ADHD/Autistic daughter - tips on building connection

[HappyShaker]

DD is 11 and in yr 6. She’s wonderfully funny and clever. She loves facts, likes to watch the news and documentaries (and the odd episode of panel shows such as would I lie to you, have I got news for you and QI). She’s well-behaved at school who have been fantastic in creating some adjustments for her.

However I do worry about her socially and building emotional connection and friendships. She’s well-behaved in company - she was recently amazing, funny company at a recent dinner party. However she struggles to identify her emotions and won’t chat about her day - that’s fine I can’t force her to. She doesn’t build v close bonds at school and play dates are rare.

Any techniques like point at picture of emotion or write down and put in worry bag she doesn’t like - school Elsa laughed that she could spot a strategy a mile off and wasn’t buying it.

I do worry she keeps things to herself. Her drawing is one outlet and her character drawings show emotions really well (she does gcse level classes).

But everything else is “fine” or “I don’t want to chat” on the way to school - I respect that because school is full on for her.

Posting here for other parents of neurodivergent children who’ve had success building emotional/social connection with their pre-teen? I just feel everything’s changed since her period started and puberty hit big time and I’m trying to figure how best to support her but every attempt is shot down.

Art therapy - pay privately find someone whom is experienced in autism , she likes and connects with and is prepared to work with her long term

no quick fix and it could take ages for any major ‘breakthroughs’ to occur - but having a safe space to draw and paint with a caring supportive trained psychotherapist will help her so much as gradually more and more will be revealed and worked on in a safe non threatening way - it’s about her finding herself and place in the world and that involves knowing and being able to recognise and express and explore her own thoughts and feelings.

if art is her thing - use this to your advantage as a way in.

Art therapy was going to be my suggestion as well but I see someone has already got there. Otherwise some form of play therapy.

Does she have any SALT sessions to help her with her emotions? I’d also recommend a sensory OT assessment as one of the suggestions for one of my children was rolling on a big ball and how it helped release the pent up feelings and talk about the day (I know, it sounds very odd but really does work). Suggestions from either therapists that make her feel secure and comfortable will mean her anxiety levels are lower which will enable her to talk (if she wants to) but to cope with life in general.

I’ll have a look into both, thank you 🥰

May be just respect how she is and she'll find her people in her own time? Unless she's sobbing because she's got no mates or has actually asked for help then leave her be.

Honestly, the neurotypicals need to make us just like them is exhausting

I feel like this is a little harsh, the OP isn't trying to make her daughter same as her (assuming she is NT, she may not be), she is trying to support her with managing her emotions. Both myself and my 10 year old are ND. I don't have many close friends and I'm OK with that, I find the social interactions at work take a lot out of me and I don't always have capacity for more. But my daughter is clearly craving friendships, gets upset when doesn't get invited to parties etc, but holds it all in until she explodes, and we are also looking at ways to support her, just like OP's daughter she is super smart and not easily convinced by traditional 'strategies'.

As the saying goes, when you have met one ND person, you have met one ND person. What one person is ok with another is not. Like it or not, we have to function within a NT world, so anything which helps her daughter do that is useful. That is not changing her daughter, but preparing her for secondary and adulthood.

I thought not wanting to talk about their day and answering 'fine' to any question was standard answers from the vatmst majority of year 7 to year 10 teenagers! It certainly was for my two.

Is she happy in herself? Has she asked for help or demonstrated she needs help? I would be careful about trying to make her more ‘normal ‘ it could lead to her feeling wrong on some way. I connect with my ds through his special interests, he talks about them we play games and he shows me videos. I do what I can to support his interest.

I’m also AuDHD. If anything my concerns come more from being neurodivergent myself. I do respect her need for quiet time. One of my childhood memories is my mum not letting me chill with minimal interaction after school so I could recover so I know how important it is and respect it.

Have you/ your daughter joined any groups for parents of/ Autistic children or teenagers? There are a few fantastic groups in our locality set up by mums initially for support, lobbying purposes etc. They’ve since grown into social clubs, with mums organising events for younger children and teenagers basically running their own events. No bothersome parents allowed.

My DS is a bit younger than your daughter and we get the same “fine” response! We’ve only gone to a handful of events with local groups but will go to more if he’s interested as he gets older. He’s also delighted with his own company. We joke that he’ll find any other Autistic child within 100 meters and hang out with them. There have been some beautiful, unexpected moments like this. He finds his own tribe, as we all do. Every best wish, OP. Xx

This is it. Whilst we both are AuDHD our needs are different and maybe my own wiring is contributing to my difficulty assessing how to support her. To reassure we do have lots of fun together, I can just see as her Mum she keeps some things in because can’t identify/express them. I felt a bit powerless to help hence seeking support here. I do want her to have connections with others - doesn’t have to be large friendship group but I had to learn skills of doing that, it didn’t come naturally.

This is so true! Maybe I’m worrying too much. When she has close bonds it’s with fantastic children. She loves people who are kind.

Yeah I need to keep an eye on this. Maybe I’ve slipped on that one. I do try being AuDHD myself to explain the lessons I’ve learnt from interacting with neurotypicals so she doesn’t have to go over the humps I did but maybe toning it wrong.

I think there's an element of just letting her "be". She sounds great. Not talking about emotions or giving a run down of the day is all pretty normal even for NT children.

Things I'm trying to learn with my AuDHD DC (work in progress!).

-not pouncing on every bit of info they share. The temptation is when they mention a new child at school is to ask a million questions "who is this, are you friends, what are they like?" and I have to hold myself back a bit.

-offering to defer a conversation "do you want to talk about this now or have some quiet time and talk about it later?"

-naming my own emotions ("sorry for snapping I'm feeling a bit grumpy today")

-problem solving - even if they're not very good at naming emotions, they are quite good at identifying situations don't work for them and we come up with solutions, so we're talking more about practical stuff than abstract feelings (even though feelings are the root).

Not wanting to chat about their day has got to be standard for a child with ASD IMO. They did it, got through it, now they want to decompress and not rehash the day for mum. I'm not sure it's uncommon for a child who is NT either though tbh. It's just what happens as kids get older.

It sounds like she's doing really well. When it comes to friendships Yr 6 IME is when things start to get a bit trickier, girls can get very cliquey and only want to associate with others who are into the 'right' things. The gap in emotional maturity can start to widen and while the others are talking about or getting boy friends and girl friends those with ASD may not be vaguely interested in any of that.

The only thing I'd want to know about really is how she copes with break and lunchtimes and if she is ok at those times - that unstructured free time is often the most difficult. If she happily spends it on her own or has someone to chat to then that's fine but if she's walking around alone and miserable then I'd be concerned. DS came home for a period during primary when he was finding lunchtimes difficult and that really helped him.

It doesn't sound like she needs therapy right now though, it sounds like she's navigating things pretty well. Instead of putting her into Art therapy I'd see if there were any art clubs where she could meet other kids and already have something in common.

Secondary school can be hard when you have ASD though, DS found it difficult to make friends when he was constantly changing class and in the end spent lunch and break in the library and got through it that way. i think it's definitely worth watching that transition carefully. DS has found making friends much easier now he is an adult and working with other adults, so even if Secondary school is a difficult time I know several with ASD that have come out the other side and been much happier when they've moved on to colllege/uni/work.

Thanks both x

For a long time DD spent break times and lunchtimes alone but she found her tribe two years ago. Now she has friendships she dips in and out off and likes to walk as well.

Perhaps I’ve been over worrying and projecting. She responds well to practical requests and I need to focus on that more.