How to stop being hurt by 'I want to live with my dad'

[loellajames]

My son is nearly 8. Didn't see his dad for a long time (from 0-5) and dad was made to do a perpetrator programme before he had any contact. Contact is now one day every other weekend and overnights in holidays. Child has ASD/ADHD. I do all heavy lifting, school runs, hobbies, hair brushing, bedtimes, etc. His dad does fun stuff - days out, visits to all his family members when he's there, cinema, exciting stuff. My son is adamant his dad is better, his dad lets him have whatever he wants, has new toys waiting for him every time he goes etc and that he wants to live with him. It's very unlikely to happen, but due to our history it has lead to me completely catastrophising. I'm so scared it will actually happen, and that my ex will take us back to court. And I'm just wondering if anyone has been through similar? My son has no idea it upsets me as I'm very good at hiding this, but inside it tears me up. His dad subjected me to emotional and secual abuse, and I just hate the idea that he is now the favourite. I'm in a really weird head space.

Oh goodness this would make me feel sick I get your feeling of dread.

Do you have a formal child arrangements order ?

I’d imagine he, your son doesn’t understand what that means in terms of where you’d be. Do you think the ex has been pushing it?

Yes my ex has told him 'if you live with me you can have whatever you like' - according to my son anyway. He may be playing me, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's true. We have a child arrangements order, and his dad lives 3.5 hours away, which is why it scares me so much.

I think he’s got no chance but it doesn’t stop you feeling panic I’m sure.

with your son I think I’d be shutting it down and responding to say that he lives with you and if can choose that when he’s much older if he still wants to.

if ex wants that considered that he can apply via court…. Don’t even discuss it with him

how long does he stay in holidays ?

Thanks. Usually 2-4 nights

I think you just have to try and stay in the here and now and whenever your mind wanders to 'what if' say to yourself 'that is a future problem that may never happen' and force yourself to think of something else. Even if DC is temporarily swayed as a teen, as long as you remain a constant, loving parent he is likely to always return.

My DC also has ASD and ADHD. With regards to DC I would explain to him why you parent him. 'I understand it would be nice to always have what we want but i love you and want the best for you, if I always let you eat sweets you would get poorly/if I didn't make you brush your teeth your teeth would need to be pulled out/ if I don't make you go to school/do school work you won't get an education to be what you want to be when older' etc.