Partner smoking

[Birdwatchx]

Need a bit of advice

have lived with my partner a couple of years and they gave up smoking when we bought a house. I insisted as I hate it, both for health reasons and the smell.

3/4 times a year they have a night out with a group of friends. Partner is 40s, friends are all 20s and mainly opposite sex. I am never invited.

i know partner smokes on these nights out and we’ve had a couple of arguments about me feeling they don’t want me there so they can relax and smoke without me getting bothered by it. They never smoke anywhere else (I think)

theyre out tonight and I’m invited. I’ve said I don’t want to go if they will smoke. They would prefer to smoke rather than have me there so I’m not going.

im Really upset that they would rather smoke than have their partner there. They think I’m being ridiculous

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a proper full time smoker. A handful of times a year I couldn’t get overly excited about.

Your being a bit ridiculous.

Even if it mean I’m excluded from these nights out? For clarity, it’s a family members friends group and they’d like me there but I can’t go if partner smokes. I hate it.

Not for me, I'm afraid. Hanging around with a group of women (I'm guessing) half his age and being 'naughty' smoking? Ick. Do you want/have children?

But also, he should be able to choose to smoke in his own house so buying together was a bad idea. A fundamental incompatibility.

Go if you want to enjoy the night that they have planned, which sounds like it involves socialising while smoking. If you don't fancy that night out, don't go. But don't get all pissy and spoil it for them.

No kids.

ive always felt they use these nights out to “regress” back to their old single life. Not cheating, I have no worries there, but drinking, smoking, generally enjoying me not being there to disapprove

Or you could say you’d rather stay at home than go out with your partner just because he smokes…

Don’t ruin the night for them, they have their personalities. Can’t stop everything just for you

Ok I’ll take what seems to be the consensus on board. I find it frustrating that family member wants me there but partner does not, just so they can smoke when they’ve given it up. I understand though that’s my issue and I should just suck it up and not go

So they all sit in the freezing cold smoking? Sounds like kids behind the bike sheds. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so immature. Who even smokes nowadays?!

They’re not excluding you though are they? You were invited and you’ve declined because they smoke. That’s your choice!

Honestly, I’m not a fan of smoking, but a handful of times on a night out wouldn’t bother me. Plus presumably he’ll be outside in the smoking area so it’s not like you have to be with him? You can stay inside. I have a couple of friends who smoke when we’re out, whatever, doesn’t affect me. Personally people who vape annoy me more because it seems they’re constantly huffing away compared to smokers.

I voted YABU but I don't think you should suck it up and not go. I think you should go and ignore the smoking. They gave up smoking for you and it's only 3/4 times a year. Can't you turn a blind eye?

It stinks. I won’t want to sit with him, kiss him, sleep in the same bed after (these nights always involve stopping over at his sisters house as it’s her and her friends).

You can go. You're just choosing not to.

Smokers are selfish. I'm not sure what else you can do, unless they quit.

I'd be clear that I'm not going to be empathetic if they get an illness due to smoking in later life though. Karma 🤷

Sorry that sounds selfish but it's a habit that you can stop. I know as I stopped using will power alone in my late 20s and I've got an addictive personality (adhd).

They'd have to shower as soon as they got home, brush teeth and put all their clothes in the wash. If they had a smoking jacket that would not be with other coats.

I have a respiratory condition and would hate it.

Thanks everyone. Message received