To ask where can I get help?

[rose88xx]

A bit of a tired trope I know but I am feeling so entirely exhausted and overwhelmed with life atm and don’t know how to fix it.
I have 2 DC, DD1 and DS3. Both in nursery. Since coming back from Mat leave I am in a new role at work, that I really wanted but is a lot more pressure as I work much more independently now. Also due to restructuring I have had to pick up a lot more. I do 5 days compressed in 4, and nursery drops/pick ups half the days so can’t stay late to catch up. My days are planned to the minute and I’m always running around and working through lunch. I can try to reduce workload but not in the short term because of the nature of ongoing projects, I would have to stop accepting new work to decrease maybe in a few months.

physically I feel a wreck. I have always been fit and active even through pregnancy but since DD was born I just do not have the time. As I result I am constantly pulling muscles, twinging my back etc. Right now I have done something to my neck which has been agony for days, I need to see a physio but again WHEN and to go private would be expensive.

we’ve had a horrific run of sickness since about Halloween last year, vomiting bugs and then a weird virus than knocked my DS for about 3 weeks. Then chickenpox over Christmas and new year. Now my DH just rang to say DD started vomiting before nursery drop off. I just do not feel like I can do this all again. The past few weeks I have cried most nights when up with DD (wakes 2-4 times a night to BF) because I feel so exhausted and fed up. DH is good and does his fair share but ‘mental load’ is probably more on me.

I take shortcuts where I can eg cleaner and getting ready meals occasionally but it all feels too much. I wish I had someone to ring and ask for help but there is no one. I lost my mum a few months ago and my siblings live abroad (with very busy and stressful jobs so not easy to come visit). In laws are good but also live away and don’t ever want to visit.

sorry this is long I just feel totally out of steam. How does anyone do it?

I’m sure what most people will pick up on from your post is the breastfeeding 2 to 4 times during the night. Personally that would be the first thing I tackled to improve sleep.

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Could you afford a housekeeper/cleaner? A housekeeper could cook meals for you too.
Would help even if it's just temporary. Also make sure you are taking a vitamin d suppliment at this time of year as the sun isnt strong enough to make enough vitamin d unless you are outside with bare arms for half an hour every day. Low vitamin d screws your immune system. You might also have low iron if the births were tricky and that also lowers your immune system.

You are in the trenches.

Can you throw any money at it? Employ a mother’s help, active grandmother type who lives very close by?

A few nights a week go to bed at the same time as the dc

Generally lower your standards and just do essentials

And consider maybe that 5 days in to 4 just isn’t working for you atm; is there any room for manoeuvre with your managers? It sounds like they have taken advantage of you with the restructuring?

I also missed the info about breastfeeding and the loss of your mum only a few months ago. I am so sorry op. That’s huge. You are still in the very raw stages of grieving. Can you take any compassionate leave? 💐

Thanks everyone. I totally agree about the breastfeeding, although night weaning/ sleep training etc just feels like another thing on the to do list atm.

@Clovermountain443 you may be right with work, although I may not have explained that very well. It’s more that some of my colleagues have been moved to other roles, so I don’t have friends to ask to help me out the way I would have before.

Personally I think your working hours are not conducive to what is going on in your life at the moment. Sadly too many people are in the same position, and juggling too many plates, at once.

Also you are in the first stages of grief for your own mother. This will make everything seem so much harder. I’m showing below a link to Home Start, an organisation of volunteers who can come for a few hours a week to roll up sleeves and do whatever you need. Feed the baby, empty the dishwasher, play with toddlers etc. They were a godsend to me when I had a toddler and newborn. I hope you feel better soon ❤️
https://www.home-start.org.uk/

Compressed hours sounds good in theory (as you get a day off each week) but means that it is very intense for the four working days. Could you move to 4.5 or 5 days (same hours)? I think that would be less stressful for you.

Oh bless you.
you are in the early stages of grief still and that alone is extremely exhausting never mind working full time and having very young children.
I don’t have any real advice for you other than to try to take a breath when you can.
ready meals can be helpful and your kids having easy , quick meals like beans on toast or omelette etc is perfectly acceptable and maybe seeing in the short term if you can get extra help from your cleaner if funds allow.
im so sorry for the loss of your mum x

Wow! You are holding so much! Grief as well as everything else. Just wow.❤️🥰

If someone could wave a wand and put a few things "right" or make changes, what 3 things would be top of your list?

Going back to work after mat leave is rough. The first year I went back after my second baby was awful. He was sick all the time and surviving on breastmilk alone. Solidarity. I felt pulled in all directions. At work and at home I was always exhausted and feeling guilty about not giving my all to either job.
I ended up dropping work hours.
I made a morning that everyone was in nursery that I wasn’t in work just for me.
I got a cleaner to come every week.
I kept breastfeeding my toddler to help him through all his illnesses, he needed that bond and reconnection with me after work. Plus he’d breastfeed back to sleep within seconds overnight so it made things easier for us all.
sending hugs it’s such a hard time without the grief you are experiencing also.
join the FB group Breastfeeding older babies and beyond for solidarity and support and with gentle weaning whenever or if you decide that’s something you would consider.

Thanks @Clovermountain443 - I was on mat leave at the time so didn’t really take any leave. I could potentially ask to take some now, retroactively. Although I’m not sure how that works

I’m sorry about your mum.

Compressed hours often don’t work well with young children, even though they seem great in theory. Sometimes dropping the 5th day altogether or just working all five days is much more manageable.

Does your cleaner also do things like changing the bed covers and ironing as that can give you back some time.

As above, as great as breastfeeding is, you need to look after yourself before you can look after others and it doesn’t sound compatible with your current work/life balance.

It sounds to me that you are close to being burnt out. If you aren’t well enough to be in work, especially if you need that time to grieve your mum properly, sometimes you do just need to take sick leave.

Thank you so much everyone, these posts are so lovely and lots of good suggestions. I agree with the PP that the work hours may be a problem, and considered going back to 5 days and putting DD in nursery 5 days. But I think I would end up just taking on more work, and at least now I have some quality time with her and can usually catch up on random errands like going to post office etc.

@FriendsWithoutBenefits12 your question really helped make me think. Honestly the answer would be more sleep and time to prioritise my fitness so I could feel better physically. But stopping breastfeeding seems too big a hurdle just now and as a PP said is an easy fix to soothe the baby currently and get over sickness

If you could afford the fifth day in nursery maybe you could take that as a day for you to have to yourself? Sleep, gym, physio whatever.

Id agree that summoning the strength to stop the night feeding would probably be a very short term pain for a long term gain. Would DH be onboard for that?

Finally but most importantly please find a space in your life to grieve your DM. It’s a huge loss and at a particularly difficult and vulnerable stage of your own life. There are various bereavement support services and some areas will have free or low cost bereavement counselling, although I think they recommend that you wait at least six months. It would definitely be worth speaking to your HV and GP for advice and support with all of this.

Very best wishes.

More sleep and improve your fitness. Great ideas. So....how do you do this? Let's brainstorm a bit

Weekends - DH/MIL/Babysitter take children so you can sleep/exercise

DH has the children some evenings so that you can exercise or pay a babysitter to cover this

Buy in meal plans (Gousto?) so that you can get healthy options without too much hassle

Any chance of some unpaid leave/sick leave to focus on you sleeping and exercising , maybe just 2 weeks to start

Do you take vits/minerals to help boost your body especially as you're still breastfeeding. I'm especially thinking about extra iron and multis. Cytoplan give advice (you don't have to buy from them)

Have you considered counselling for your grief

I'm also wondering about you taking a break from work for a few months , to help everything calm down and balance out. You're putting yourself through an awful lot atm. Be gentle with you ❤️