Trigger childhood sexual assault

[nondrinker1985]

I was assaulted sexually when I was 6 years old. He was very brazen and he was sitting in the back of the car with me, we were going home from a wedding. In the back was my little brother and my great uncle too.

in the front my mum and dad. I was 6 years old, he sexually assaulted me, I know what he did as I spent some time pulling his hands off my private parts, I was muffled crying into my seatbelt. It was dark and we were going home from the wedding.

When I was 14 I had a big argument with my dad and brought it up - he has passed away now - I shouted at him and I said why didn’t you do anything about it - he said to speak to my mum. It was decided then by the elders in our family to banish the man from any contact with the family but it was not reported to the police.

My great uncle and dad have passed away now, I of course remember the assault and I remember whose wedding it was so I have an exact date. My brother was only 4. But my mum will remember and my grandfather whose friend assaulted me will know the name of the man who did it.

should I report it to the police it happened in 1991.

I have had therapy. I was also assaulted in my teens by men in their 20s however the 1991 assault haunts me the most.

Yes you can report to the police. Do you know if the man who assaulted you is still alive?

You can get more information and support here -
https://napac.org.uk/pursuing-legal-action/

If it would help you to report it to the police, absolutely report it to the police. If it would not help you, then feel absolutely no pressure to report it. You are the important person in this, and your needs and wishes are paramount. I am very sorry that this happened to you, and that you were so let down by your parents.

My parents are not English, back then we still faced a lot of racism as a family. I think it was fear, backlash, shame tbh in the community too. That’s how it was viewed then. They were both teens when they had me and had a limited education they can read (well dad is dead now) but only little. They didn’t let me down they did what was right then.

I don’t know if he is alive, my mum actually said he was an elder in our religious community and at our place of worship each week when I was 14 I could not believe it as I attended the Sunday school, he wasn’t at the Sunday School but I was walking around and he knew he had assaulted me. Another uncle told me this man had written to my Grandfather begging to be allowed back into our family. He wasn’t a family member. So maybe he’s dead.

only mum could be a witness in saying that it does appear several members of my family knew.

It would not help me but then it might help others

My mum said he often stood at the parapet to talk and I was in the room!! I did not know he was the man who assaulted me, I would not remember him. I would remember his persistence in the assault, me pushing away his hands and I know how far he got and I know what he did, it felt like a long time to me.

Having gone through messages from my Aunty it was her wedding it was November 1993 so I was 8 not 6 and my brother was 4. My dad 27 my mum 25.

If anyone else was in this position would you see it, I read some of the info on restorative justice, I’m not sure I want to see him. If I wanted to give the police the info but not have it actioned is that possible? Just so they know about him?

It really depends on what you want. Sometimes reporting to the police can help you feel heard, and acknowledge that a wrong was done to you even if it can’t be prosecuted.

From what you’ve said you wouldn’t recognise this man, and can’t identify him. That means the police would need to speak to other people who were there at the time and those people may not be able to corroborate your experience. It will be difficult after this amount of time to press charges or get a conviction (if that’s what you’re hoping for) but not impossible. It may be the case that other people have made complaints, so your experience might form part of a wider picture.

It sounds like you’re trying to make sense of what happened which is understandable - a good therapist can really help with this, whether or not you report to the police.

Very gently it’s unlikely you reporting now would prevent him harming others, because so much time has passed but it’s not your responsibility to protect other people. You were a very small child, not able to protect yourself and not responsible for his behaviour in any way. You still are not responsible for anything he may or may not have done. Reporting may help bring you peace, in which case it’s worthwhile.

No if you report a crime they will need to follow it up where possible. I very much doubt a restorative process would be followed given the nature of the offence and you don’t need to consent to that. Besides which for any restorative process they would need to find this person, charge him, find enough evidence to prosecute, gain a conviction - all of which are significant hurdles. So the question of restorative justice most likely would never arise.

Thank you @Jellycatspyjamasthey can find him - my mum will know - it will mean bringing that pain up for her but also my Grandfather is still alive it was his daughter’s wedding my Aunty. It was one of their guests we were dropping home. I re-call when my cries were heard that my dad stopped the car - I don’t know where - and whatever happened then my Great Uncle was sitting next to me instead not this man anymore. Did they kick him out, I still remember my dad crying. I mean why did they sit me next to this drunk man. I know they were young but why did they do this?

I do have a therapist it’s come up in the past, I’ve been suffering from panic attacks recently and this keeps coming up. It’s like I can’t breathe, something is stuck in my throat so it’s making me think I need to find my voice on this now. Yes it was a long time ago but the key thinhs:

I am a witness
my mum and granddad are still alive
it’s easy to get the date as it’s my aunty’s wedding anniversary
at some point he was prominent in our religious community

I feel for you OP. I was sexually assaulted when I was about 14. It shaped my entire life. I married someone a lot older than me as, in my head, he could protect me from the world and keep me secure. I struggle with meeting new people and have no friends. Before the incident I was gregarious and fun.

I never told anyone about the incident until about 2yrs ago. I never filed a report and I don't even know their full name. All I know is that they changed my life irreparably.

Were you a JW?

I am so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too - over years and years. It never leaves you 💔

I reported a historic CSA offence to the police. I felt that it would give me closure to report it and hand the whole thing over to them, even though I knew a prosecution was unlikely. I did get some closure in the sense that the offender is still alive and was interviewed under caution, so it was also a way of telling them that I remembered what they had done. But the police investigation was useless. The odds of a prosecution were always going to be low so they put it in the hands of a very inexperienced officer whose handling of things was very hard to cope with (e.g. how I was talked to/communicated with). And the process of reliving all the incidents and being questioned closely again and again, which I realise they do have to do to make sure the allegations stand up, was really traumatic and left me with PTSD. I wouldn't say don't report it, because the psychological benefits of acknowledging events in that way can be significant, but I would say to carefully balance benefits and harms. I'm sorry for what happened to you and hope you have support.

It may be that this man was known to them, prominent in their community and they trusted him. Most abuse happens at the hands of people who are known to the child and/or family. It sounds like your dad protected you when he realised you were distressed even if he didn’t fully know why you were distressed.

It’s not uncommon for childhood trauma to pop back up again even years after we feel it’s been resolved in whatever way we’ve managed that. Often there’s no way of knowing what prompts it to come back up but it’s a sign we need to look at it again.

Remember you’re now looking at it through adult eyes, and that can bring lots of questions about why and how adults around you did it didn’t deal with things. In the end there will be questions that just can’t be answered and healing means being able to lay those to rest.

Someone at my grans catholic church was recently arrested for abuse against someone years ago now and adult who reported..it's bad enough hearing someone everyone knew as the life and soul of a party and church is actually another person behind closed doors so can't imagine the trauma of a victim

Thank you for the messages and I am so so very sorry for those who have also experienced abuse.

No I am not a JW. It hasn’t impacted my faith, we were not an overly religious family but Sunday school
was to learn our scriptures. He wasn’t at the school but would speak in the main hall. I mean I don’t know him, if I asked my Grandfather now I think he will have forgotten maybe my mum would still remember.

My great Uncle has passed away too but he would have remembered. I just remember the absolute relief when he was moved away from me.

I think my parents so young, probably just doing someone a favour dropping this guy home. I really wish I knew who he was, maybe I can just be strong enough to ask my mum. @Jellycatspyjamasi have been doing some somatic work with my therapist and this came up after the session. So she did say the work would continue to work on my body over a couple of days so it’s interesting this came up.

@ThisYearIsMyYearthank you for sharing your story, that is distressing to read. I am glad you got some closure and I guess I would want that man to be scared.

@hiyacloudsandstarsI am so sorry, years and years horrific.

@Belladog1Im very sorry, so sorry. I hope you are able to get some support. My therapist has been helpful over lots of things over the years.

I think of the family, I also think how my mum knew it was him as well and had to listen to him speak when she knew he had assaulted me.

Our community is very mysogynisitc - then it was decided it was safer for me and less shame on me as a girl.

There is no shame on you. The shame is on the paedophile who abused you, it us all his. You were completely innocent.

@nocoolnameslefti know that now but in my community I guess it’s like that a girl is seen as damaged it has changed now … I think my mum wanted to protect me. But I feel so tired thinking about it, I just want it ti leave my head and I don’t know why it’s come up now. Unless it’s this somatic work.

It's really clear that something has brought this back up for you, and that you have a lot of thoughts and feelings to work through. The question is what will give you the most peace, whether that be counselling, involving the police, talking to your family, or even on here. The most important thing is that you centre yourself in this process, and at each stage think what feels most right to benefit you.

Thank you @nocoolnamesleftpart of me feels like well it only happened once, and I feel it went on for a long time I know our journey was long because I know where the wedding was and where we live … in fact it was a 3-4 hour journey at least.

I feel bad it has imprinted me this way, what is also brought up with this are two assaults by older men when I was 14. Finally whar also comes to mind is a rough male obestrcian who broke my waters while I was under gas and air it was horrific force left me bruised.

i feel horribly let down, my body feels tired.

I think I have a lot to take to my therapist next week. So much of which I thought I had worked through.

Talking to your therapist sounds very sensible. It may help you to actually know what you’re thinking and feeling. At the moment I think it’s an understandably confused mess of emotions. And part of your mind may be stuck as that hurt bewildered little girl.