In desperate need of positive ADHD/ASD stories

[eldoraaado]

My son has ADHD and ASD. He is 7. We are in the middle of a wave of horrific behaviour. I'm a good mum.

I worry, so much that he's going to turn into an awful adult.

Can anyone please give me their positive stories of children who had difficult behaviours, and with loving family support, turned into brilliant adults?

Feel like I'm reaching breaking point here!

So this might not be the response you're seeking but...

...I was late diagnosed as an adult at 36. I'm female and was born in the 80s, back when they didn't even think girls had ADHD and the only boys who did were outwardly hyperactive. During school nowadays I'd have clearly met the inattention side but that wasn't considered, nor tha fact for women the hyperactivity is more in my brain that externalised.

But I want you to know this, despite the fact I had no support, despite the fact I struggled, I've still made eot to adulthood! I did suffer badly with my MH and genuinely wasn't sure I'd make it 16 and yet am now 39!

I managed to get my GCSEs, my a levels and a degree.

And now I'm working.

With the right support, your son, can do ANYTHING. I'm sorry his behaviour is so challenging right now, and I can't comment on that part as I'm not a parent though I guess I probably made my own parents very much feel the way you do (god knows how they coped with me 😳).

Sorry as I said I'm probably not the right person to respond but I guess I wanted to say that even with later life diagnosis I'm still ok x

As the DM of a DC with ASD if you can find something he loves and encourage that interest that’s a great thing to do.
7 year olds can also be generally awful.
I also remember something a ND specialist (doctor) told a workshop I attended : that ND kids are at least 18 months to 2 years younger developmentally than their biological age. When I adjusted my expectations and parenting accordingly that really helped.

Keep supporting him. My daughter had diagnosesvof adhd and asd and is now in full time work and lives with her boyfriend. What helped was me scaffolding life for her - none of that school of hard knocks, you've made your own bed stuff. I treated her as much younger and always prioritised our relationship. She never did any chores for example. Now she runs her own house. Don't do what you think you should be doing as a good parent but what actually works for you.

DP. Absolutely lovely.

Can't give him more than three things to do or buy (and it's 50:50 as to whether he manages the third, even with a list), gets lost on the way to the kitchen (which looks like a demolition of a slumlord's rookery within 30s of him starting a 10m meal that takes him over an hour).

But he's a wonderful man without a scrap of malice in his head. The only thing we have to do is try to make sure that his head retains what he needs at that moment, rather than it all drifting away at the next distraction.

My DH has ASD/ADHD. He was expelled in all but name around your son's age. He now has two great DC, a pretty amazing wife, lots of friends, fulfilling hobbies, fantastic job, an educational record anyone would be proud of. He's incredibly smart, very funny, and a loving husband and father. He would be the first to say that he was not an easy child, but medication, patience, and learning to work with how his brain works mean that he's now a pretty functional adult.

It's not perfect. He probably has to work a lot harder to do his job than his colleagues, he has to keep on top of his mental health, and I do pick up slack. But mostly, we have a pretty good life.

One of our DC has ASD and probably ADHD too. The tough times are really tough. Are you getting support from school? That's made all the difference for us.

DS has ADHD and ASD, we had an awful time at the age your DS is now. I used to drop him off at primary school and be in tears before I’d even driven out of the school grounds because I was so stressed about the calls I might get from school.
He’s 14 now and is a lovely young man, he’s doing well in school, has good friends and is generally well behaved.
He needs loads of reminders to do his homework and get ready for school and has had some issues with social misunderstandings that we need to support him with but think are 100 times better than they were at 7!

DH is early 40s and diagnosed with inattentive ADHD.

He’s always been incredibly sporty, representing his state and having Olympic trials, has a Master’s degree, a great group of mates and earns over 100k. He is also a fantastically supportive and attentive husband and dad.

We have built our lives around how best to support his needs which in turn allows him to show up to his full potential at home and at work. He wishes he had been diagnosed at a younger age as it has been very validating for him and has answered a lot of questions, but he feels very lucky that I recognised it fairly early on and got things in place.

Solidarity - DS is five and seems to be showing a lot of both hyperactive and inattentive traits. It is incredibly tough at times and I’m dreading parents evening soon.

I wasn't diagnosed until late 30s. I've had issues all my life without knowing why.

But I've held down a job for 20 years, had a relationship for 20 years, have my own car, all paid for, a cat, friends and loving family.

I've made mistakes along the way, like anyone else. But I'm not a disaster either.

Have hope.

I'm not sure what kind of stories you want as everyone with ASD and ADHD is different and it is true that ND people are over-represented in the prison population and mental health statistics.

However, I was late diagnosed with ADHD and am very probably autistic and I have a good job, friends, I'm happily married and a good mum.

My stepdaughter got diagnosed at 9 and she's an all round high achiever, about to take her GSCEs and predicted good grades, working towards her Gold D of E, recently visited the House of Lords to talk about the dementia cafe she volunteers for, working through the Grades for drums and LAMDA (I think she's at 6 for both now, with distinctions every time), does lots of exercise.

My nephew was different, he was diagnosed with autism at around 5, and after that his Mum more or less gave up on parenting him and by 8 he was off the rails, very aggressive and violent, suspended from school every other week. He couldn't do anything for himself, his Mum was still dressing him and wiping his bum at 10. She mostly just left him in a room with an ipad, and if he came out in a bad mood she locked herself in the bathroom and left him to smash up the house. He was eventually moved into a private specialist school, social services got involved and between the school and social services she got given some more robust parenting advice which helped temporarily, but more recently she's decided not to be in his life anymore and his Dad has full residency. I haven't seen him in a while but from what I can tell he now has friends, isn't getting in trouble so much and is now very independent, going off on bike rides with his friends and to the cinema.

Oh and also, remember that pretty much every great innovation came from an ND brain. The NTs would still be in the stone age without us. 😁

My DH has ASD/ADHD. As a child he was utterly wild. His report cards make very interesting reading.

As an adult he is the kindest, best DH I could wish for, even if he does leave all the cupboard doors open constantly! He works full time in a good job, brings in a decent wage and gets the kids up and dressed for school every morning, doing the school run so I can get to work.

We have 2 girls, Our eldest has ASD/ADHD, our youngest is NT. At age 7 our Audhd girl was really tricky. Now she is 14 it is much easier, not perfect, but we get on well. She talks openly about her autism/adhd with friends and family and is learning how to advocate for herself. She make us both proud.
What works best for us are boundaries, meaningful consequences and always restoring when things go wrong, nomatter what.
Hang on in there. It will be ok.

We’re getting there with 17 year old ds. He has his problems but they’re not the horrors I’d have predicted ten years ago! It took time for him to learn emotional regulation, but he’s made enormous strides. I’m really proud of him.

Please try not to project and imagine him as an adult, because anxiety makes it so much harder to figure out the best response in the moment.

Have you access to a parents support group? I found those more helpful than most of the professional supports really. It helped to be able to talk about things without the judgement and well meaning advice you get from people who don’t understand. Just seeing other heads nodding along to a familiar story was a sanity saver at times.

There’s so much undiagnosed asd and adhd in my family - a few quiet reclusive types, and some very high achievers.

My DD1 has ADHD , ASD and was medicated from age 6. Very bright, but virtually unteachable. Medication helped hugely.
School was... interesting...
She always said she was going to be a doctor.
She's a doctor :)
There have been some tough times along the way, mental health crises, eating disorder, heart breaking hard times.
But she's a brilliant GP now, lives alone by choice, still medicated, lives to a strict routine and it works. She's brilliant, an incredible mind but finds daily life difficult in many ways.

DS1 also ADHD... didn't do so well at school but muddled through, now lives on the other side of the world, happily married and has a a reasonable job. There was a time when I thought he'd end up in prison, as he had MANY behaviour issues and as a teen was horrendous... you name it he did it. But he matured eventually!

My DS with ASD was incredibly challenging at that age. It started to slowly improve around 12.

it didnt just improve by itself though. He had medication, lots of occupational therapy, moved from one special school to an even more special one. Had speech therapy and we had to restructure our lives to give him rest, he actually had a great psychiatrist at cahms.

He's now so much easier because he is much happier and has a much greater understanding of how to regulate his own senses, emotions etc and how to communicate successfully. He's even sitting functional skills this year and has been des rubed as a 'star pupil' We thought hed be in a young offenders institute based on his 7 year old self!

His school huge suggested he also has adhd but we havent pursued that but it seems likely

At 11 or 12, my DS (ADHD, ASD) was extremely, extremely difficult to parent. There were so many meltdowns and throwing things and breaking things and just behaving so awfully. No matter what we did, the behaviours and meltdowns stayed.
We wondered if that was it, if he was going to be so difficult nad generally unpleasant forever. Then, all of a sudden, his brain farts all just evened out and it turns out it was puberty, not his neurodivergence, which, to be fair, probably made it all a lot more difficult. Nowadays he is so much more reasonable, better behaved and we can talk to him again. My DD, 13, ADHD, has just started behaving similarly but at least we are now experienced and are preparing ourselves to just ride it out.

My DD was diagnosed with ASD at 8, we thought she had ADHD. She was extremely challenging at school but better at home because we had been managing her for years without knowing it (whilst wondering why we were exhausted 😀). She was in a SEMH school at end of year 5 which was awful. We fought to get her back in mainstream and she passed all her GCSEs despite extreme exam anxiety. She is now at college and loving it, has a boyfriend, just passed her driving test. She has calmed so much now she has more control over her life (she is extremely demand avoidant).

We have always fought for her and been supportive and understanding when she can’t help her behaviour without letting it be an excuse to be generally unpleasant. It’s been really difficult as there have been some real disasters and we have all had to remain hopeful and resilient. If you can manage it try not to look too far ahead into the future.

I need to hear this today. Im sat outside school with my asd dd who is 10 and has been refusing to get out the car for an hour. She’s already on a reduced timetable. It’s so so bloody hard sometimes and I feel completely out of my depth.

One of my best friends is a primary school teacher who was diagnosed AuDHD as a child and really struggled at school. He had some epic meltdowns at home and at school as a child and teen but manages his sensory issues and anxieties really well as an adult, he's very open about being ND and advocates for himself well when he needs to. He's wonderful, the children adore him, he's an excellent role model and one of the kindest people I know.

I have both autism and ADHD. I’m happily married, several children and pets. I have a well paid job, two degrees and a masters. I also have some good friends and enjoy my hobbies.

That's all the positives and there are definitely a lot of negatives and difficulties, but neither diagnosis means the future is necessarily bleak; it’s probably just different to what it could have been or was expected to be. However, every one with either condition is very different to other people with it, so you really can’t compare.

The horrible waves come and go, but it’s hard to believe when you’re in the middle of one!

DS is often good as gold (although rigid!) but we’ve had some awful times, including having to get social services in to help us for awhile (they were wonderful). One thing we’ve found is that he spirals - one bad thing happens, he’s on edge, something not great happens, it’s catastrophe, he’s wound up, something minor happens, he explodes, violently. And because he’s been on edge, everything is magnified and things he can usually cope with are end of the world scenarios. The hardest part is breaking the cycle, giving him enough time and space to recover from it while managing daily life. Usually it’s school holidays that gives us that time, where absolutely nothing happens (lots and lots of chill time, with all food he likes, brother out socialising), and then he can get back to himself and life.

But it’s hard. It’s hard to watch them going through a horrific time. It’s hard to parent through them. It’s hard on you. Give yourself a break - go out for a walk by yourself if you can, or the shop, anything to give yourself a little peace while it’s going on. It will pass.

This sounds like my DD. I get so worried about something going wrong for her then spiralling into hopelessness and explosive behaviour. I’m bracing for disaster all the time. Maturing resilience and beta blockers are helping.