Urgent advice.

[needadvice27]

I have posted here before about my mum who is an alcoholic. She has always drank but it really ramped up 8 years ago when my dad passed away suddenly. I would say up until recently she has been a functioning alcoholic as in she was still able to go to work part time and was ‘normal’ during sober periods. But she has really gone downhill over the past week. I went to see her a few nights ago and she was really drunk. Couldn’t stand or string a sentence together. Since then she hasn’t been to work. She says she can’t cope and she is just going to stop working.

I have been to see her again today and pleaded with her to go to the doctors. She said she’d rather be dead than take antidepressants. I said to do it for me and her grandkids but she said we don’t need her or care about her. Basically said since I got married and had my kids she was no longer important to me which is rubbish but I admit I have distanced myself due to the drinking. She is saying things like she just wants to be with my dad which has really worried me.

I have kids and work. I can’t be there with her and I don’t want to be when she is drinking and being abusive. But I am at a loss what to do next. She is blaming me and everyone else for the state of her life but I’ve told her only she can improve things. I have no family I can ask for help. I don’t know what I can do next.

You can't do anything, She has to make the choice to get better.

Yes it is a disease, but it is also a choice to continue with this lifestyle.

PLEASE PLEASE prioritise yourself and your kids.

(Source: 20+ years of being the family member of an alcoholic)

If ou are concerned for her safety and ability to look after herself call her GP ask to leave a message for the duty GP stating you have risk related concerns

Sorry posted too soon.
You can also call 111 option 2 for any issues related to MH

Where I live recovery services are third sectors commissioned you may need to look up your local one like CLG

To look after your self too you can contact anon

I am an alcoholic,sober 23 years,there is nothing you can do.Step away and take care of yourself.

Anti-depressants and alcohol don’t mix,medication only work without alcohol.

Have you been to/or contacted Al-anon? They are the people to seek help from for you.

My mother was an alcoholic,she died from it,I tried many times to get her to stop drinking,that was before I knew anything about Alcoholism,now I know there was nothing I could do.

Wishing you well,it’s bloody horrible.

al-anonuk.org.uk

Call the non emergency nhs number. The crisis team could possibly come out and evaluate her.

Whilst she is still drinking antidepressants will be totally useless. Alcohol is the biggest depressant going.
She has to be prepared to do something get help and stop drinking nothing will change until she does.
You really can't help her she needs to do that for herself.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

You need to look after yourself and your partner and your children.
There is nothing you can do - I’ve been there with a family member and they have to want to stop.

From a safety/medical point of view would anyone actually speak to me? She won’t go to the doctors or speak to anyone herself. My gut tells me she won’t actually do anything but the way she is talking is like she’s given up. Dh thinks this is just a massive downer following what happened last week and is again self pitying and blaming everyone else rather than face up to the drink issues. But it’s obviously a huge worry to hear her speak like this and see her in such a bad way and not be able to do anything.

Give her the phone number for Alcoholics Anonymous then its up to her. The person answering the call will be able to help as they have been where she is.

Unfortunately, unless she wants to change, there is nothing you can do to help her. She needs to choose to participate in her own recovery. I am sorry, I know how awful it is to watch someone you love drink themselves to death.

Boundaries.
You cannot change her. You cannot stop her drinking. You cannot bring Dad back. None of that is your fault.
What you could do is find help for you. See if you can access counselling to help you navigate your feelings and manage the situation. Reach out to al anon(?) The charity for families of alcoholics.
Put a firm time line around what time you will spend with her. I lost a brother to alcoholism so I know how much it will consume you if you let it.

There is always an underlying reason for drinking. For example, Escaping memories of trauma, ADHD etc
the death of her husband has contributed to it going downhill but there is always a root cause (as she was drinking before this).

In my experience there are a certain number of people who drink or use drugs because they want to die, or want to die young.

It sounds like your mother is in that category, which is damn hard to deal with because there is simply no reason for her to stop as long as she feels that way. And she will continue to feel that way as long as she is drinking.

I don't have much to offer. I think my approach would be to maintain contact, and to say what I think is going on very directly, and also very directly tell her that we do love and care for her and want her to stop drinking, but that in the end only she can make that happen.

When I say maintain contact, I don't mean take care of her and her problems. You can't and you have your own life. Try to keep yourself safe and do some of the things you would be willing to do if the situation were more normal, drop in one a week or call, maybe cut her grass, etc. If he is drunkenly abusive you don't need to subject yourself to that though I would likely still call a few times a week and try and check on her.

PS - and I second other posters suggestion to try Al-Anon.

I’m sorry. I’ve been in your shoes and it’s horrible but there is absolutely nothing you can do. I have found alcoholics can be very unpleasant people and my mother would also say those sorts of things to me, blame me, etc. They see themselves only as victims and there is no reasoning with that.
I don’t have anything positive to suggest, I just wanted to share that you’re not alone and to please make yourself a priority.

Thank you all. Someone suggested calling the MH crisis team but I really don’t know. I do think she needs some help but I don’t know if forcing it on her is the right thing to do.

Contact her GP practice and say you're her daughter and you're worried about her drinking and mental health etc and see what they suggest. They might contact her for a check up or be able to offer you some advice

Otherwise call Al-anon or local alcoholic charities in your area for some advice
If you think she's unsafe you can call crisis team or for a police welfare check

She won't be forced into anything I wouldn't worry. She most likely will refuse help and they'll say OK, they can't exactly section her and throw her into a dry clinic. But at least she will be on their services radar

I really recommend Al Anon OP.

You won't be able to make her see you've distanced yourself because of the drinking because the disease of alcoholism will make her feel like a victim, which perpetuates trauma in herself, which then leads to more drinking.

You should not feel guilty for having your boundaries even if she doesn't understand them.

Thank you. Logically I know I can’t do anything. But I still feel so concerned and frustrated. The narrative she spins is so that she can convince herself it’s ok to keep drinking because she’s a victim, nobody cares, life is too stressful, she’s faced bereavement and every other excuse. I know this but it’s hard not to argue back and get angry.

Im just so sad. And literally feel like by doing nothing I am acting as if she’s right and I don’t care. I don’t think at this stage she would meet the threshold to be sectioned or even visited or anything like that. I also can’t physically drag her to the doctors or force her to stop drinking.

I will look into Al Anon. I have considered it before but there are no in person meetings near me. I just wish someone else was around to help. We had a couple of close family friends who I have spoken to in the past about it but I don’t feel like I can keep burdening them and they have also started to distance from her too.