Party for my 3 year old? Anxious mum! Help! AIBU?

[Shypinkpiggypants]

For context: I am painfully shy. My world is mostly my husband and two close friends I see a few times a year. Even my wedding (15 people!) was one of the most stressful days of my life because of how anxious I am socially. I’ve struggled with this for around 40 years! meeting even a long-time friend can send me into a spin.

My only child, my daughter, will be 3 this summer. Last summer she went to a birthday party, and I’m honestly shocked by how much it’s stayed with her. She still talks about it nearly every day and asks when she can go back to that child’s party again. It clearly meant so much to her.

I’m now wondering whether I should throw her a party. I’ve found a small soft-play place that would organise the food and party bags. I’d just need to bring a cake and send out invites. But the thought of it makes me feel sick. What if no one turns up? What if it’s awkward? What if it’s not “good enough”? My brain is full of what-ifs.

I also feel really sad that my shyness might be the reason she misses out on something she’d love. I don’t want my issues to limit my children’s lives.

Part of me thinks I should just be brave and do it. Another part of me knows it will cause months of anxiety, and realistically it’s not necessary???? we could put the money into her savings instead.

AIBU not to throw a party?
And if you do think it’s a good idea,
what time is better for toddlers?
10–12 or 2–4? My anxiety says earlier is better so it’s “done with,” but I’m not sure what’s actually best for little ones.

If this is something that is so hard for you, can your husband help? Could he be the contact point for RSVPs? Whilst a party at 3 is not essential, your DC will miss out if they never have parties/playdates. If you can make it work, it sounds like your DD would love it.

Is your DD at nursery? Would you invite friends from there? It can be hard to judge who will attend when you don't know other parents well, but at 3, she probably won't mind too much who is there.

I'd go for the morning slot. Gets toddlers out and about and still leaves the afternoon for family plans, plus isn't an issue for those who still nap.

No Party needed at 3 years old

She is just remembering a nice time she had and doesn't know about cakes, party bags, fuss presents and all that jazz.
What you could do is ask her 2 pick two or three of the nursery friends and agree to go to soft play that day. Make it clear to other mothers it's no real party just for your daughter to have some fun. No presents just the kids having fun

But that is only short term solution once she's older she will probably parties but your husband can help when the time comes

I think you should bite the bullet and do it. She's going to want parties as she gets older so why not start now and have one more year to get used to it?

I also think it may be worth you seeing someone to work on your anxiety. It would massively improve your quality of life if you were not worrying so much about social interactions and probably your daughters in the long term too.

I think she will love it and you’ll be so busy that you won’t have time to be sociable. Opt for the morning because otherwise she will spend all day asking when her party starts.

Realistically you have years and years of this ahead (I have a lot of anxiety over parties too and I have three DC so it’s been never ending) so honestly I wouldn’t do it this year. No need until she starts school.

Ask your husband to organise it. Nobody can be that busy they can’t buy a cake and send a text, and surely he would want to take any strain off you knowing how these things make you feel.

We haven’t done parties for children that young before, but I think they have fun (well my husband said the ones he’s been to were enjoyed by the children - I try and avoid soft play like the plague!).

Personally I would go for the afternoon as most classes (swimming, gym, ballet, football) are in the mornings.

A party at soft play is definitely the least stressful option. My DD also wanted a party at that age, but we went for toddler play equipment in a hall. We invited a mix of nursery, family & baby group friends.

Do you chat with any other mums?

I had exactly the same issue with my son! I actually spent a therapy session on this issue. He was a summer baby so I also knew lots of people would be away. It was highly stressful. But I did it. RIP off the plaster! It also helps with the shyness as you get to know people

Another vote for ask your husband to do it..

I'm also very very shy, and my son just had his party. I did none of the arranging that involved any of the guests, my OH did it all, as they are actually socially "normal" and can deal with messaging people and communicating effectively.

Instead I made the cake, arranged and did the decorating of the venue, got the presents/wrapped, sorted gift bags, arranged the food etc.

At the party, it was just a few polite hellos, and then I left my OH to be more social while I either arranged, washed up, or kept an eye on my son.

He had a great time, it was a good party...

Families work together on each other's strengths, I imagine your husband knows how you struggle with social things? And unless he does to the same extent, he should be reasonable enough to pick up the slack. A lot of couples I know seem to have one more social half that does more of the arranging and managing of social occasions, and it never seems to be a problem.

I think you need to do it. I also have party anxiety so I know how you feel but my DD who is also 3 has just started receiving party invites from nursery and I think its only going to continue on from here! Honestly, I think bite the bullet and arrange the party. She will feel like a princess for the day and parties will be seen as super exciting and fun - she won't have a clue about your anxieties if you put a smiley face on and power through. I get it though, easier said than done sometimes.

Thank you everyone for sharing experiences and opinions! To those of you who braved your anxiety and held the party - wow!!!

I am going to bite the bullet and do it.
@Furlane i hear you about children having activities on a Saturday morning but I just don’t think I could cope with waiting until 2pm!!!!!!! We might end up losing a few children due to this but maybe the following year we would make it the afternoon to avoid this.
I just pray we will have at least 6-8 out of 20 we will invite !

Thank you all 😀

Start with a couple of friends this year. Get hubby to help, and your close friend's, go to the place where you just have to supply a cake as less stress

Bite the bullet and do it, you will feel SO proud of yourself afterwards. Soft play party is a very easy option, kids will be entertained and parents will get themselves a coffee and entertain themselves too.

Do you have a confident friend or relative you could rope in? I was very nervous about holding my DD the whole class reception party she wanted and her godmother who has older kids and is far more confident than me had to force me to book it in the end. Another close friend came along and they both made lots of small talk with the reception mums and were just a bit of a support.

Honestly if these types of events are challenging for you I’d totally skip nursery aged birthday party. Do one in reception when you are building friendships that will last for the whole of primary

if it’s any help as long as you have a decent entertainer , cake and a party bag at the end you can totally hide in the kitchen. An entertainer will take loads of pressure off of u

I think this would be a great way to ease you in to school parties? Most parents at this age will be chasing around after their own kids, so less time needed to make small talk etc? Totally normal as well to put your husband’s name on the rsvp! You’ve got this!

It really isn't worth it if it's going to be distressing for you.

If you're not prepared to do a party of her own, your daughter will be invited to plenty of other parties she can always enjoy

You say her birthday is in summer, be aware that if it's in the school summer holidays you may get a lot of no-s if people are away. 2 and 3 year olds are not constrained by school terms but they may have older siblings who are. We have a DC with a summer holiday birthday, we always hold their party at the start of September for this reason.

Can your husband be pint of contact for all this? You can organise and stuff but he does the liaising with the parents etc.
Personally I do think you need to find ways to start pushing yourself outside your comfort zone for your DDs sake. There is much she might miss out on over the years if you don’t.