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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to this sleepover?

17 replies

feedmefudge · 29/01/2026 06:55

Will try to be quick, as getting ready for work. My youngest daughter is 16 (nearly 17) and has left school, which for several reasons didn’t go well for her at all. She is now at college and doing really well. She’s much happier and has made some friends. Her closest friend on the course is 19; I’ve met her and she’s a lovely girl. My daughter is fairly mature in some ways, so the age gap doesn’t matter. It’s not a particularly academic course (and not 6th form college - we’re in Scotland), which is why there’s a range of ages.
The friend lives with her boyfriend, who is 25. My daughter has met him before and says that he’s really nice, a sweet and nerdy type. She has never been to their place before as it’s about an hour away. So she has met him when he has picked up the friend from college.
My daughter and her friend have planned a sleepover for next weekend. If it was just the girls, that’d be fine. But the boyfriend will be there, an adult male who is unknown to me.
Would I be unreasonable to stop my daughter from going? I’m delighted that she now has a social life and have always encouraged my kids’ friendships. But I don’t feel entirely comfortable with this situation.

OP posts:
Livelovelaughfuckoff · 29/01/2026 06:58

Can understand why you feel worried but I would let her go. As long as you know the address and that she can get in touch with you anytime.

fairfat40 · 29/01/2026 07:00

She’s 16. Just be around with you phone on, just in case.

Imanautumn · 29/01/2026 07:00

Can you invite them both for dinner first ?

99pwithaflake · 29/01/2026 07:06

YABU. She’s nearly 17 and having a sleepover with a friend.

SENmumof22026 · 29/01/2026 07:13

Yabu.

feedmefudge · 29/01/2026 07:14

Thanks very much, everyone. I appreciate your replies.

OP posts:
feedmefudge · 29/01/2026 07:22

I see all sorts in my job and think that has probably affected my initial feeling on this!

OP posts:
Rainbowsandlollipops1 · 29/01/2026 07:30

Aww I get your worries you’re just being a caring mum but at 16 nearly 17 you can’t really stop her. I’d understand more if she was 13/14 saying no but you can’t really. Just ask her to message when there and if she ever needs you. Can you drop her off/pick her up?

CrustyBread1977 · 29/01/2026 07:40

She’ll be thrilled to have been asked, and to be allowed to behave like a young adult. As long as she knows what to do if she’s worried/scared at any point, she’ll be fine.

tedibear · 29/01/2026 07:44

Yes I think you being unreasonable. She’s nearly 17. It’s normal to worry about your kids but you need to let her grow up too.

SingedSoul · 29/01/2026 07:45

YANBU I wouldn't be keen either.

Owly11 · 29/01/2026 07:47

I would say no to this. It doesn't feel at all appropriate. She is a child spending the night with two adults considerably older than her. One is male and 9 years older. Nope. Not going to happen.

cocog · 29/01/2026 07:50

No way she’s in a vulnerable position, He won’t be the only male there. There could be drugs and alcohol involved too. Why would an adult couple want a sleepover with a young girl.

pilates · 29/01/2026 07:51

I would let her go but say you are around if she needs picking up at any time.

MadAsAMongoose · 29/01/2026 07:55

I'd say to my DD that I wasn't comfortable with it. I would talk through my thoughts with my daughter. Her friend is technically an adult and can make her own life choices, but a 25 year old man in a relationship with a 19 year old who is still at college (not uni) is a significant age gap and significant difference in life circumstances. What does an adult man see in a barely adult woman still existing in a child's world? Why isn't the man with someone closer to his own age? Why is the 19 year old not still at home with her parents? When did their relationship begin? What is their power dynamic? Has she been isolated by the man? How many other friends does the 19 year old have? What ages are they? Does she have any of her old school friends still? Why not have more girls going to this sleepover? Why just your DD?
It might all be fine, but they are valid concerns. I would try very hard to make my daughter consider her own safety and her make a different plan without me having to actually say "no". But I would say no if I that didn't work. I think my DD would listen, she'd sulk, but I think she'd listen.

If you think your DD would ignore a "no you you're allowed" I'd suggest talking through your concerns and then talk about how to make herself safer - advice around trusting her instincts, not getting drunk, what she'd do practically if he came onto her, or made any 'jokes', or suggestions (be very honest about the possibilities that concern you, get her to actually consider them), you'll go get her if she texts, no questions asked, no consequences. Etc

SpanThatWorld · 29/01/2026 07:56

There is nothing you can do after midnight that you can't also do before midnight.
Are you banning her from their house completely?

She's 16. Next year she could go away to university.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/01/2026 08:26

YABU, and it makes more sense to be on her side and support her rather than turn normal teen activities into something she feels she needs to lie about or keep secret. Tell her to keep her phone on and let her go

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