I'm always the 3rd wheel

[IAmthe3rdWheel]

Not really sure what my AIBU is. I suppose it is AIBU to be feeling a little fragile this morning and feel like my confidence has been knocked.

I've realised I have a pattern going on. I am always the 3rd wheel. This has happened so many times in my life and now in my 50's I think I am tired of it. Obviously I am the problem, so perhaps stop trying.

I enter a new situation e.g. a new hobby, a new activity, a new job. All real examples. I join with other people. We all get on really well, meet up, develop a bond, support each other. Then I become the 3rd wheel as the other 2 (it's usually 3 of us) become besties. I usually find that we all start talking and they find lots in common and hit it off!

I started a voluntary job, it is a team of 3. There were just 2 of us initially getting along nicely, then someone else joined and they are now really close and I am the 3rd wheel.

I joined a new hobby with 2 other women on the same day, all got along nicely, now they are really good mates (happened twice to me).

Now I do have a couple of really good friends, and I am very popular at work according to my manager, and my work colleagues do confide in me and tell me they really like me, but the scenarios above happen a lot.

On Tuesday I was in a situation where I felt like the other 2 women at my voluntary job I do were kind of presenting a united front against me, and there was a bit of politics involved and I just came home with my confidence knocked and feeling why bother trying to do things and meet people. I am always really helpful and supportive and put in way more than I get out. If you do 1 thing for me, I'l do 10 for you. My DH said this is my problem, that I am a pushover.

I'm tired, a bit hurt, and a bit fed up of trying to get out there and meet people (DC all leaving home, I have a p/t job, trying to get out there) and coming home feeling like there is something wrong with me.

YANBU for feeling a bit hurt. These are just some thoughts, and I may be way off the mark...

• if you do 10 things to another's 1 thing, do you think that might come across as a bit needy, and therefore a bit off-putting?
• are you 1 of 3 siblings or does this feeling of being a bit on the outside have roots in your childhood? Sometimes we can unconsciously create situations that replicate old patterns, even if they're consciously unwanted patterns

-I think sometimes women go down the excluding/bestie route in a way that's not necessary. I know generalisations are tricky, but men tend to be less like this and have broader friendship groups/are less likely to make someone feel like a third wheel. So don't take it personally.

• but ultimately, if you have a husband, good friends and you're popular at work, and warm enough that colleagues confide in you, I would not take this most recent feeling of exclusion so much to heart that it stopped me putting myself out there.
• You sound lovely, OP. "Choose people who choose you." And don't waste too much energy on the rest. 💐

As above