to dare think that my need for sleep might be at least equal to my husband's

[Alderney]

My husband has mental health problems that have ruled our lives for the last few years - one major manifestation of this is that he is obsessed with sleep - how much he gets, how tired he is, how he claims not to have slept at all for 9 months...

Now he has medication to make him sleep, so he at least gets sleep, but is incredibly grumpy in the morning with a medication hang over...

All of which I get and I do understand and I do know that he is ill...but for once...once, could I have some sleep too...I mean I know I'm nowhere near as important as he is, and nowhere near as tired as he is....

When DD2 started crying this morning at 7:30, he stirred and I thought to myself aww, he's going to get up with the girls this morning, I'll have a wee half hour more - no, what he did was get up, invite our 4 year old and bring our 21 month old into our bed, let them jump around while he snapped at them, and then resolutely clamped his eyes shut and ignored them.

I clearly wasn't going to get a minute's peace, and the girls did not deserve to be grumped at by him, so, in the end (well, after about 10 minutes of this) I got up because at least I was in a position to be civil to the children.

Yes he works, yes he is tired and stressed and upset about everything.....but sometimes so am I.....and sometimes I'd like an hour to be in a room by myself, never mind sleeping...

I'm not asking for a rota system for long lies, I'm happy to do it 95% of the time....but just once I'd like an hour to myself.

I'm going in for an operation in August on my arm - unfortunately its just as a day case, but frankly I look forward to hosptial trips much as others look forward to a trip to the spa...I get some peace for a while and after the operation they will let me sleep in peace and quiet...

YANBU - what can I say...

yanbu for you

do you have anyone who could give you a break?

or beg the hosp to keep you in longer?

Without knowing all of his mental health issues I don't know what to suggest - but could you go to a one off couple counselling session? If he is holding down a job surely he is capable of reasoning?

Oh poor you what does he say when you talk to him? you sound desperate

But if he is sleeping now (through medication) then he should be able to do his share surely. The grumpy hangover may disappear in a few weeks if it is a new medication. Although ime most people are grumpy in the morning

I am obsessed with sleep/getting enough/not getting enough....I think most people are. Whilst I am not minimising his mental health issues, I know loads of people who've had mental health problems, depression/anxiety etc(myself included) but still have to get up with kids

Are you sure it's not an excuse? I know that sounds awful and sorry but I was just wondering. You are in effect at the moment a single parent are you not?

There's no logic to mental health issues and depression. To those who've never experienced it first hand it could indeed seem that your dh is making excuses but once you're in that spiral it's hard to pull out, especially if he's had these problems for several years because it does become habit and harder to break.

Could you perhaps speak 1-1 with your dh's GP for some advice on meeting your own needs? You might be able to refer on to someone who could give practical support while you're helping your dh recover.

Does he usually behave like this in the morning? If not, it might just be the meds. To be honest, i am pretty much the same, i dont do mornings and i hate DD jumping all over me, even though i adore her. I think sleep is a bone of contention in lots of homes.

Is he on other meds at all?

Big up to you for being there for him and supporting him through his illness, doesn't make it any less difficult for you though.

if he is rubbish at mornings, is he any better at giving you time to yourself later on in the day?

Give him a good long ntice period that you are going to stay in bed on X day and it is his turn to get up with the children, and get up he will.

Then, on this day, if he doesn't allow you to stay in bed, get up, get dressed, dump the children on the bed with him and go out.

Repeat until he gets the message that you are a human person, and not all needs are his needs.

I'm with colditz.

"book" a day on the calendar - mark it in huge letters so he can't avoid it.

If he still refuses, just up and leave him with the kids all day - don't worry about them and enjoy yourself with a book in the library (quiet) or a coffee or something YOU enjoy for YOU.