Consequence for 15yo

[AheadOfTheCrib]

Hi

Posting here for a friend who is not on social media. She is legal guardian of her brother (15) and has been since he was 12. He has ADHD.
A few days ago, he sneaked out of school with an older boy who was driving. He left his phone in his locker intentionally so it could not be tracked. He was asked three times if he'd left school, and warned that if he lied that he wouldn't get to play in a football match at the weekend. He still lied and was found out.
He has been pulled out of the match, but is really annoyed because it's an important game and he's a key player. He's laying on the guilt thick and she's starting to doubt whether she's done the right thing or if the consequence is too harsh. His coach is also trying to convince her to let him play.

YANBU - stick to the punishment and don't let him play, this was a serious safety and trust issue
YABU - she should back down, this is important to him and an alternative punishment can be given

To avoid drip feeding - he has skipped school at least twice before. The older boy who was driving does not go to the school.

It's ok, everyone will give loads of shits about his ADHD diagnosis and make allowances for him for the rest of his life!

Only joking. Deal with it now or live to regret the inaction.

I think she should stick to it. Especially as he’s skipped before. Seriously how important is a football game to a 15 year old vs having good school attendance.

at a push she could ask both the son and the coach separately to come up with an alternative to discuss but they would need to come up with a tough one.

That’s a mild consequence IMO.

the fact he’s moaning about it means it is meaningful. If he just shrugged it off it would be ineffective as ‘punishment’.

Teenagers get very wise to adults who say they are going to put a consequence in place and then back down at the first sign of pressure. Don’t threaten something you aren’t prepared to go through with.

That's what I've said as well, she grounded him the last twice but it's obviously meant nothing to him
Taking away something he clearly cares about just once might have the required impact

I wouldnt stop him playing in the game. Only because its not just affect him but also the team (who arent involved). Plus football is a healthy thing for him socially, mentally and physically so I would want to support that as a hobby. I would take away screens or pocket money or take away time hanging about with friends (grounded).
As a parent (i know many will disagree) but I would have no issue saying I have thought a about it more and changed my mind/listend to your reasoning and I am willing to allow you to play in the game but I can not ignore whar happened therefore.....whatever alternative consequence is.

I back down/apoLoguse No probs when I need to, but I’d stick to this because he cares, and his coach cares, and his teammates will care, so maybe he’ll not do it again. I’d be cross with the coach: he should care about this kid’s education and back your friend up. Her brother will have an easier young adulthood if he can get some GCSEs, and an easier relationship with her if he knows where her boundaries are.

I honestly don't think the ADHD played a part in this, his choice to skip school wasn't impulsive, he thought about it enough to know to leave his phone behind lol

Then why did you mention it?

In an attempt to preempt posters saying "sounds like he could be neurodiverse"?

I don’t believe that skipping a sports game should ever be a consequence. It’s an obligation to the team.

I would be looking for an alternative consequence.

I think it's a reasonable consequence and she should stick to it. He was warned and continued to lie, knowing what the consequence would be.

If it was a knee-jerk punishment after the fact, I’d say that it shouldn’t be allowed to affect the rest of the team, but she was clear that if he lied then this was the consequence. He is letting his team down (although if they’re that dependent on one player, they can’t be all that serious a team) and that’s a choice he made and will have to live with. His ADHD might make it harder for him to see the longer term consequences of the decisions he makes (not that only ADHD teens struggle with this!) but he should have been able to foresee this immediate consequence. He obviously just didn’t think (a) he’d get found out and (b) that she’d follow through. He’s learned a very valuable lesson, as long as she continues to follow through. And, I agree with a PP about the coach - he should be ashamed of himself, but sadly too many people think football is more important than anything else.