DH & his inability to stick to a routine

[zombiemom]

Hi all, NC but long time lurker and occasional poster.

DH and I have one night “off” each a week, scheduled for us to do whatever we want. His night “on” was tonight. He is very actively involved in a community project that he’s attending 3/4x per week at present. We have a just 3 year old who is at a childminders in mornings with his mum collecting on “his” day/ night and with mine collecting on “my” day/night. His parents are incapable of getting DC to have a nap despite everyone else managing it, but in fairness to them she is likely to drop it soon, so bedtime is moving earlier on no nap days (7ish instead of 9ish).

Tonight he doesn’t get home from hobby until 8pm with DC, who then isn’t in bed until 9pm. No nap with his parents. This is the 3rd week running. To me, this is too late on a school night. DC needs their sleep on days we have to wake them at a certain time, and I feel it’s really unfair on them to be putting them to bed late unless we absolutely can’t help it. I’m not so rigid on a routine for example if we have a family party or outing on a weekend, fine.

He now wants to have another day of hobby when taking DC, and refuses to set an end time (it’s a bit like a playgroup for under 10s/ early practice for a skill). Which means another really late night for DC and rushed morning when they don’t want to get up. What really gets me cross about it is that for the previous year before hobby really took off is that he’s been gloating about how much he can’t wait for her to go to bed earlier to “get his life back”. Now it’s happening, but he can’t stick to it?? Argh! Am I being unreasonable here?

Can’t you swap your night off for one where he doesn’t do the hobby?

This would annoy me as well especially if you are seeing effects of the overtiredness the next day. My DC are older and still are in bed before then on a weekday but now are able to cope more with a later evening if necessary but I wouldn't make a habit of it. Can you switch the days around or maybe a babysitter for nights where you are both out?

It’s not a school night when your child is three and at a childminder’s.

To you it’s too late but to him, it’s not. You’re supposed to be equal parents so your view doesn’t get to trump his.

Yes, I’ve no issue with that, but he would just do hobby that day too! At the moment he’d go any time or day, as it’s shiny & new and there’s no real constraints from the building owners 🙄

Do you not think this is too late for that age though? It’s a pain getting DC up and ready to not being late for work when they’re clearly shattered

When is he actually spending time with his child? It seems like he’s palming the kid off on his parents or clubs, so he can do hobbies every evening, but on your evening “on”, you pick DC up at a decent time and have the evening with them, is that right?

That is how it feels! He gets PIL to drop off late and after tea (like 6-7pm) directly to hobby, but in slight defence he then has been staying for an hour still doing hobby with DC. I just feel it’s too late twice a week plus weekend late nights, it’s like half the week for DC not having enough sleep.

On my days yes I do, generally go and have tea with my parents at 5:30-6 then take DC home afterwards.

What hobby is he taking a 3 year old to at 7pm?

Another mysterious hobby thread…

Don’t want to be overly specific but also appreciate context required, think along the lines of indoor climbing/ roller skating/ trampolining

I think both of you should be prioritising getting your 3 year old to bed at a reasonable time, over hobbies and evenings off. Mine weren't out doing hobbies at this age, they had tea, quiet time, bath, stories and cuddles and bed at 7. Small children thrive on routine and they need their sleep during the crucial years of brain development between 0-5.

And who watches your child while he's doing this? Doesn't sound very safe.

What time does child need to get up at? Appreciate she's not at school but presumably up early enough if you are dropping to CM on the way to work. Plus she'll be in school soon enough and it's good to have good sleeping habits established.

Yep so do I. I don’t however think having one evening to myself is unreasonable, nor for my husband, providing the other can do as you say. Starting to think DH isn’t capable of this!

Usually they do it together, so he is supervising. But yes if he’s doing something individual, there’s minimal supervision.

Around 7-7:30 is ideal, but it’s being pushed to 8 which is making us all late! And yes I agree for the routine ahead of school!

So he's taking her to an activity as such? Which presumably she enjoys, or does she not enjoy it?

Either swap the day or have the child at the childminder all day so she gets the nap.

Yep DC enjoys it, I’ve no issue with the activity just the time he’s taking them/ bringing home. DC will drop the nap soon (max 6-9 months) so what after then? I’ll have the same issue

Can she eat at the activity and then literally just come home to bed or is it still too late

What about if he gets her up in the morning and has to deal with the tiredness, would that make him change his mind?

Does he think its too late or does he disagree with you?

Kids are often up very late in other countries and have early nursery/school so I often wonder why ours go to bed earlier, but that might be that their societies have naps too!

Why can’t he just do the hobby with DC 6-7 and not have any alone time on it for that one night a week and get your 3 year old to bed at a decent time. I can’t imagine your 3 year old actually enjoys it at that point, it’s way too late and they’ll be exhausted!