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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Constant shouting/drama

8 replies

Meg878o · 28/01/2026 21:02

Is this normal from men in general and how they cope with children, AIBU to consider leaving over this.
Husband and I have been together for 13yrs with 3 primary aged children. The children seem to constantly stress him out and I don't think he deals very well with being a father. My view is that this is how children behave and shouting and getting stressed every time they misbehave does not achieve anything...its constant, if he thinks they're taking too long on the loo he'll shout, if they misbehave and have sibling arguments he'll shout, they are quite demanding and often constantly ask for stuff, he'll shout at that and shout 'what now', constantly saying that our boys are driving him mad and that they're a 'nightmare'. I end up doing everything for them and picking up the pieces because when he deals with things this way, they come crying to me, don't want him to do anything with them, don't want me to pop out, they'd rather their dad so that I can stay with them and not him. I'm the first to admit that I'm probably abit soft and much more of a 'gentle parent' but when hes not here there are no issues, arguments get resolved nicely, they listen to me (they don't listen to him), there's no drama, we get out for school with no shouting matches. Would appreciate any advice? I just want a calm, chill life not this constant battle to get anything done because of the way he deals with stuff. One prime example is doing the school run today, he hyped our boys up so much that they became too silly and uncontrollable to get ready for school, I knew exactly that it would lead to that...never happens on the mornings he's not hear. He then starts saying what's wrong with them, I can't get them ready and I say it's because you've hyped them up. He says what he always says 'it's always my fault' with never any accountability for what he's done or the fact that it is his fault!

OP posts:
whereHeroesAremade · 28/01/2026 21:06

If he is not going to change, are you willing the boys to grown up with a man who just shouts at every little annoyance in life....

EachotherAndAnother · 28/01/2026 21:11

Oh God OP, no advice, but I hear you! DH has just been away for 10 days and the house has been so peaceful.
I think some men just don't know anything about normal child development, and can't be bothered to learn. They can't conceive that an academically bright 8yo still doesn't have the pre-frontal cortex to make fantastic choices / exercise perfect impulse control all the time.
DH was also raised in a very tightly controlled home where he would have been sent to his room for crying "unnecessarily", or smacked for misbehaving. So he was "well behaved" but because by his own admission he was scared of his dad. But he thinks it's obviously possible for a child to be quiet and well-behaved all the time, so why can't his manage it without being scared of him? 🤦🏼‍♀️

nutbrownhare15 · 28/01/2026 21:25

It's not normal no. Would he be open to a frank chat about the relationship he wants with his kids and the role his childhood plays.in how he relates to them now. This is a useful set of articles .www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/guide/concern-parental-anger But if he isn't open to change yanbu to leave.

TorridAntelope · 28/01/2026 21:26

Children are annoying and some people can't handle it. It's not fair on the kids, though, they didn't ask to be born.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 28/01/2026 21:28

This is a terrible atmosphere for your children to grow up in. It's abusive. They're afraid of him.

I'd be making plans to leave him. Or get him to leave. It sounds like he'd be happier on his own anyway.

Abd80 · 28/01/2026 21:34

Absolutely not normal.
I would certainly be making plans to leave this manchild. The kids don’t seem to like him either. And who would like someone who shouts at them all the time for just being themselves ?! What an environment to grow up in.
Also give yourself more credit, you’re not “soft” you sound like a lovely calm and respectful parent that is providing your children with a safe haven.

Angelic999 · 28/01/2026 21:36

No that sounds horrific and stressful all round. I couldn't live in an atmosphere like this and this is an awful environment for children.

fableless · 28/01/2026 21:38

My DH is like this, I’ve had to give him an ultimatum maybe 3 times and it gets better for a quite a while before slipping again. I just said to him I do not want DC to live in a house where this is normalised and I need things to be calm, absolutely no shouting and DC to feel happy & if he doesn’t stop being a dick he can move out. He is learning but his default mode is to be pissed off about normal things and he has no common sense around how to deal with kids at all.

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