Ok so this is long winded but bare with me. Hubby and I own a company, we don’t physically work there as we have staff however we are the managers, problem solvers everything in between. We have three children under 5 and up until recently I was the main “worker” I dealt with all the tasks at hand that go with running a business while he managed the finances. It’s been almost one year when he took over all the other tasks that I usually handled (due to an argument we had and he felt like he had nothing to do). I’m now a SAHM, but actively involved in what’s happening/decision making etc. When I was doing everything, I went to work one day a week and utilised other time if needed such as when kids went to bed, or if it was social media I could easily do that during the day whilst parenting. Now that he is the one doing everything he feels that one day a week isn’t enough time to do it all - sounds fair enough? It isn’t but when you utilise your time properly it can be alongside a few hours here and there on other days, I know he doesn’t utilise his time and goes into the workplace to chat rubbish, scroll on his phone and do other things non work related.
Now for the problem - me and our day to day. I have a built up rage inside me about the work situation, probably some resentment probably some jealousy of child free time call it what you want ok?! I go to the gym every morning at 6am to get my workout in before everyone wakes. I return home at 7am, and he rushes out to the gym, 7/7.30. I get the kids their breakfast, get them all dressed and ready to go, make the school lunch. He comes home gets himself ready and on the day He goes to work, he chooses to leave 15 mine before school run meaning I’ve to take all three children out to do one drop off and doesn’t give me a time he’ll be home “when everything’s done” - ok it’s one day a week I can deal with that. Usually it’s after 6, sometimes 7/8 sometimes it’s 4pm. But what sends me into a flying fit or internal rage if when he says after a particularly long day 8.30-6pm is that he then needs to go to work tomorrow again because “there’s loads needing done”. Again, it’ll no doubt be another long day with no timeframe given. But ok it’s only two days again I can deal with that too but a little notice and heads up would be better so I can plan ahead. Then when I look at our shared weekly calendar it will be haircut Monday, sports Tuesday, work Wednesday, work Thursday, sports Saturday, something else another day etc, he would also add in a two hour long sports session after said long day of work and not think that this could pose a problem, you get the jist and I’m left thinking ok so where is the time for me? Where’s the planning around everyone’s schedules? Or does it rely on me to wait until everyone else has got their schedules and I work around it all and try and find the moment that works for my nail appt or whatever. This week he scheduled two things in the same day, one morning and one evening event that clashed with sons appt and my beautician appt all because he didn’t check the calendar before booking them and then got annoyed that my mum wasn’t readily available to babysit both times.
Anyhow moving on, he’s come home from a long day of work, said he’s going to work tomorrow and then throws it in that he also has to go in Friday too which results in another schedule conflict of an appt I’ve booked. He goes on to tell me how he wants to grow the company and can’t do that working one day a week as that’s just maintaining time, and how he can’t because I’ve a problem with him going to work. I repeat I do not have a problem with him going to work, I’ve a problem with the constant lack of consideration that goes into it. What bothers me is that everything is on his terms, when it suits him and what he needs, and I’m always bottom of the priority list or my plans or what I had thought our week was looking like if this makes sense. The way he words it makes it seem like he’s considering me by asking is this ok, but if I ever said oh well no actually this and that then it’s thrown back to me that I don’t allow him the space to go to work or how do I expect to have the life we want if he’s not able to go to work and do this. I asked him if we could compromise and he do an evening or so when the kids go to bed and apparently that’s a no because he deserves to go into his work place and be inspired.
Another issue I have with this is when we got together and planned out our young children’s lives we created a company where we could work remotely and hands off and the POA was that we could both be at home as much as possible, it seems now that he’s changing this plan without discussing it, or when I bring it up it’s a me problem and I’m preventing a better life. It was never in our plan to work a 9-5 five day week.
It also seems that he’s scheduling more and more things to do outside of work time, for him and his me time which again I’m fine with but they always coincide with dinner, bath and bed time or weekends and I’m left wondering is it really work and him time he’s looking for or is it time apart from me and the family we created together? Of course he needs me time but I equally do too and with him prebooking basically all the time away on the calendar I’m left with the drags or the struggle of well that’s over bed/dinner time and I wouldn’t leave him to do that alone so I’ll just not do it. This conversation came up tonight and when I asked could he compromise with an evening a week for work rather than the full day away he said well that’s works both ways because can you not do what you need to do in the evenings? Well yes I could but after looking after everything else from 6am to 6pm my energy levels is at 0 and I’m ready to crash out.
final issue from this spiel is the consistent comments that as he is building us this life, he’s driving the company up, he’s working hard to make sure we have the life we want, this is what he’s doing for us - I feel unseen. I’m equally doing my bit here whilst he’s working, I’m carrying the mental load of everything children and home. Whilst it may be different roles, we’re both working hard to ensure we have the life we want? No? When I called him out on this it was that’s not what I mean, I don’t know what other way you can mean comments like those unless you’re saying “we” in them. I genuinely believe he thinks he is the driving force behind the family because he’s the one actively/physically working.
Sorry this is a little mess and a bit of a rant but please tell me there’s a way to resolve these issues, get rid of this pent up internal rage towards these issues that I have and move forward? Am I being unreasonable? AITA?