To book a holiday of a lifetime if DF was terminally ill

[noexcuses26]

The scenario is DF has stage 4 lung cancer. Diagnosed 3 years ago & had lots of treatment which has kept it at bay but it has stopped working & now he’s in palliative care. But he seems ok. He’s lost weight and is more frail but he’s not in pain or sleeping all day. He has a healthy appetite. We have no idea how long he has as he doesn’t want to know. The dilemma is this. Our DC will complete their GCSEs & a levels this summer. For years we have earmarked this summer as the one we’d have a ‘big’ family holiday - thinking safari- and we’ve been saving to make it happen.. but now with this situation hanging over us I don’t want us to commit to booking a holiday and either dad is gone & I'm grief stricken (have suffered bad enough with anticipatory grief so am terrified once it actually happens) or he’s on his deathbed… I can’t see him being fit & well still by then, but of course we never know & actually thought he’d decline more than he has since treatment stopped.. my Dh is understanding & patient but tbh we’re all sad because if we can’t rebook it the prices will be out of reach to make a decision closer to the time. What would you do?

I would book the holiday, then spend as much time with DF as I could before going.

Can you speak to his doctors for an opinion?

I wouldn’t book as it doesn’t sound like you’d get much enjoyment at the moment .

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want a lovely holiday with your family but I think you are right to be mindful about things changing.

If I were in your position I would earmark some dates to aim for but not book up. Yes, it might be more expensive but it may also buy you peace of mind. Having a holiday booked like that at sure a stressful time would give you another layer of stress and you likely wouldn't enjoy it.

If he is palliative and treatment has stopped working, he may well decline a lot quicker than you think. My Dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer and was gone 8 weeks later. The decline from up and working to gone was so fast that I've probably been in shock since. Not to worry you just to give you an example of how quickly things can change.

I would wait and go another time. You can’t predict how long he has and what if something happened when you were away?

Book it and go. My uncle had holiday of a lifetime booked and my mum, his sister, died the day before he left, we just delayed the funeral. She would have wanted him to go.

I would still book it

I would hang fire and book a late deal once you know how things are.

at the start of 2025 my grandfather was diagnosed with advanced cancer. I wanted to cancel the special holiday we had booked but we waited. He passed awaya couple of months before we went. I was still grieving but I went as that’s what he wanted. Maybe ask your dad

I would delay for a year. If your dad deteriorates over the next few months you'll be cancelling, or worst case is he passes away while you're on holiday.

Maybe book a nice treat in this country for this summer so you'll be close at hand whatever happens.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

I would book it. Harshly but honestly live does go on and something to look forward to can be the light at the end of a dark period.

Also he could still be here come Christmas. Some people despite being terminal just keep going despite doctors thinking they won’t last.

I also think if you were to ask your dad he would likely tell you to go and live life.

There’s a reason you wanted to go it at this particular time. You may struggle to find another with your children getting older especially the older one.

I would book the holiday. I think your DF would be pleased to know that you were going to do something so special for the grand children and would want you take the opportunity rather than feel responsible for you holding back.

As a poster upthread said it is likely that with his diagnosis and on palliative care he might not have long left, talking about the holiday will give him something positive to focus on apart from his illness. When you go on the holiday you will take those memories of sharing your plans with you, yes you could well be mourning him, but you will also know that he would be happy for your family to be having a wonderful shared experience.

I definitely wouldn’t do this as the stress beforehand of what happens if you have to cancel, then the stress of being so far away when he might take a rapid turn for the worse, would remove all enjoyment from the experience. Your dad’s only going to be dying once. A special family holiday can happen any time (within school holidays).

My view is tainted because my best friend’s dad has just died. Treatment was withdrawn (as no further benefit available) a little while ago, he was fine at home. Declined middle of last week suddenly and died at the weekend. She was with him. I think she’d have regretted it for the rest of her life if she’d been away and not able to get back quickly. I know I would.

Thanks everybody. There’s no way I could contemplate being away when he is very sick / on his deathbed. Not least as I’ll be needed by my DM - also the teens will be devastated when the time comes anyway. I guess I’m thinking if he declines quickly it’s more reason to book something for summer as there will be a certainty that he’ll be gone by then & so it’s just our grief we have to deal with & as PP have said, a special trip might help us move forward. It’s such a bitter sweet decision to make.

I wouldn't book it. Maybe book something nice last minute or nearer the time.
I went on a holiday of a lifetime when my DF was seriously ill and although I did have some good times, I spent a lot of it worrying and checking my phone constantly.

And we don't have the money to do that same holiday ever again.

I’ve been in this position myself. Everyone told me life goes on, book the trip, they would want you to go, nothing you can do, etc.
The person in question was still alive and I went on the trip. In all honesty, I just didn’t enjoy it. I always had an eye on the phone, I worried about my sick family member, I worried about the family supporting them, I worried I was missing the opportunity for last moments together because no matter how much time you spend together before you always want the last moments. I couldn’t focus on the holiday or the family I was with. It was a wasted trip and a lost expense.
My advice would be to wait, decide in the moment and book a last-minute deal if it feels right to go at the time.