Advice please

[Irishlady90]

Hi please can I have some advice my partner and I have been together just over three years, we had a really good sex life the first couple of years , were both in our 40s the problem is that the past year my partner only kisses and hugs me we haven't had sex at all my partner is a alcoholic, we have spoken about not being intimate and he says he loves and fancies me but he can't get a hard on , he keeps saying he will go to the doctor but he never does, we just talk and talk about it and still no sex I'm in my 40s and I've needs I don't know what to do so any advice is really appreciated,I know for a fact he's not having sex elsewhere

my partner is a alcoholic

There's your answer.

You are less important to him than alcohol. Eventually everything else - money, work, house, food - will also be less important than alcohol.

Do you want that life?

If you stay it'll be no more sex and eventually being his nurse when his health undoubtedly fails. I'd be wanting to see him making an effort for me to stay.

Probably won't see dr as he knows the dr will tell him it is due to his alcoholism. Is he getting support for this?

I have to ask why on earth would you want to have sex with an alcoholic?

Brewer’s droop is a thing.

You need to lay it on the line - he seeks help with his alcoholism and erectile dysfunction or it might mean the end of the relationship.

In the meantime, there are other intimate things you could be doing that don’t require a penis.

Sorry OP, but your answer is in the first posts.

You can’t solve or cure someone else’s alcoholism, only they can, and he’s clearly not in a place where he’s ready to do that, even if it means being in a sexless relationship at a relatively young age. And no sex will be the least of your worries if his addiction gets even worse and he starts to rely on you to the extent you feel you can’t leave him.

Addiction makes people myopically cruel and selfish, and living with an addict is a miserable cycle of neverending worry and disappointment, constantly being lied to and let down because you’ll never be more important to him than the booze.

Get out while you still can.

Hi thank you for your reply, my partner went to rehab and he hasn't been drinking for a while, but still he doesn't seem interested in sex or about my needs , I don't know what to do, what if I left him and he started drinking again, it would be my fault

It would not be your fault.

You didn't cause this. You can't control it.

So does everyone agree that I should leave him?

Unless he is willing to go to the doctor, nothing is going to change. Only you can decide if you want to stay or leave.

Yes. Lack of sex is the least of your worries OP. Only a tiny percentage of alcoholics remain sober, that's a fact. I was married to one. I went through hell and back and then he died. Don't think you can help this man because you can't - and never, ever believe any of it is your fault. It isn't but that's what they want you to think.

Only you know if you should leave, OP.

Even if you love him and feel the relationship is worth saving, you can’t do that single-handedly. He needs to be equally invested in making it work - and that includes making it work for you sexually. Maybe try to get to the bottom of why he won’t see the doctor, even though it’s really important to you? My worry would be that he’s still drinking but keeping it under the radar (ED meds don’t work well with alcohol), but he may just have lost his libido completely.

The most important thing is that you need to consider this from one point of view only - the benefits to you of staying, not the consequences for him if you leave. He can’t use his addiction to hold you hostage.

You’ve told him what you need, he’s failing to respond and shutting down communication about the problem. If you decide to leave at this point he’s had fair warning. Anything he does after that, including drinking, is completely his choice.

It’s nothing to do with you - he’s a grown up and you’re not holding a gun to his head. However he’s doing the metaphorical equivalent to you if you’re only staying in this relationship through fear of him relapsing.

Thank you everyone for the advice, I think the best thing would be to call it a day with him , as I'm always waiting for him to have a drink and I can't live like this anymore, I really appreciate all the advice

Life is too short for this at 40.

I have been in a relationship with a guy who couldn’t get an erection if he’d had more than a thimbleful of alcohol. So he didn’t drink when we were together! He also had a few issues maintaining an erection on other occasions, but never failed to satisfy in other ways.

I am not saying LTB , as maybe all the rest is worth it, but you are absolutely not being unreasonable to expect him to seek GP help or to abstain from alcohol in order to facilitate a sex life.

If he wanted to, he would. Pretty much every man I know would readily abstain is it meant getting some action. He has a serious alcohol problem if, in his 40s (or 50s or 60s), alcohol is more important than sex.