to think kindness is mistaken for weakness and gets you taken advantage of?

[allthingsinmoderation]

Is kindness mistaken for weakness and does it get you taken advantage of ?
I have been feeling that being kind these days is seen as weak and doesn't result in appreciation or reciprocation .
Can you or should you change how kind you are based on responses?

I think you can be kind without being taken advantage of.

Say you offer to help out a struggling young mum with some shopping once. You have been kind, and not taken advantage of because you offered and were happy to do it.
Next week she comes back saying she's short of money. You don't want this to become a regular thing so you want to say no.
Do you:
Say no, sorry, you were only able to help that one time. You hope she can work it out. You are still kind, and not taken advantage of.
Or say yes, because you feel pressured and don't know how to say no because you're a pushover. You feel resentful and regret being kind. You've allowed yourself to be taken advantage of.

Your choice!

I don’t mean this unkindly op but could you be mistaking weakness for kindness? It’s good be kind but not without limits.

Takers take and givers have to have boundaries because takers have none.

I consider myself to be a kind person. I'm also a good judge of character and don't allow people to take the piss. I don't think anyone who knows me would consider me "weak" as I have no problem saying no when I think it's necessary to.

Totally. There was a mum at primary and if you helped her out slightly she then thought you were beholden to her needs.
She constantly tried to push things with people. For instance on of the dads used to give her and DD to an activity. Then she kept getting him to take her alone as she was ‘busy’, then to buy dinner for her on the way home and even pay for the activity. So they had to cut her off.
I gave her a lift once and she kept ringing to ask if I would take her to the supermarket in the middle of the work day.
She just moved onto the next person. One of them drove her about, took her to things for years.

I am a very kind person but do not let people walk all over me. I do think that has come with confidence and age.

This. I had someone in my team who thinks she is kind and thinks everyone likes her. And they do initially. But she has no boundaries and gives people what they want. Not what they need, not the truth, not the hard conversation, not the reality, not the boundaries while being empathetic. Just bestowing largesse that then has to be walked back.

Empathetic boundaries are 'kinder' than niceness. And take a lot more work and effort.

Kindness shown because you genuinely want to help another person is never a weakness, it's a strength.
Doing kind things because you're a people pleaser who's afraid to say no, or because your ego wants the boost from being seen as nice, is a weakness.
You can only ever be exploited if you're in the second group, because if you're in the first you only ever do what you're happy to.

My observation is that a lot of “kind” people are not actually kind or all that motivated by being kind: they’re motivated by trying to make other people like them and so behave in a way which they think will get them that, which is something rather different. And there are people who are very adept at recognising that this is what the “kind” person wants, and manipulating that by constantly raising the bar of what they can out of that person.

Kindness isn’t a weakness, but insecurity and fear of rejection is. Kind people can be assertive, and kindness is often courageous, particularly when it involves having to reflect and look at something from somebody else’s perspective.

Similarly, I think a lot of ill-mannered people see politeness and good manners as weak. I see it as a strength.

People just don’t trust kindness anymore. More an indication of them having an issue than the person being nice. The world would be a better place if people weren’t so mistrusting!

If you do something "kind" for someone and feel taken advantage of because they weren't sufficiently appreciative or didn't reciprocate then what you actually did was enter into a transaction but failed to mention the terms to the other person. That is not kindness.

Yes. The 'no is a complete sentence' brigade who conflate rudeness and dismissiveness with assertiveness. I often think that so many problems are caused by the way people choose to deliver their message rather than the message itself. Tell your friend "No you can come round its not convenient" you don't owe her an explanation, is always going to cause more issues than Tell your friend "Oh sorry, can we make it another time? I'd love to see you but can't make Tuesday".

It’s about boundaries, else it’s people pleasing. Kindness isn’t about giving into every request, it’s about living according to your values and only doing things when you don’t mind the possibility of receiving nothing back. Ask yourself, ‘’what do I lose if I do this?’’ Then make your choice.

For example, lend money only if you’re comfortable with the risk that you may not see it again. You can’t go wrong if you think of it that way because resentment can’t build. If you’re not comfortable doing something, just say, ‘’Ah, I can’t because XYZ’’ if they don’t accept it, then they’re a dickhead anyway so who cares.

I used to be a bit of a people pleaser until I started being a bit firmer, I find it so easy now.

Yep, when I was younger I'd do anything for anyone...then when I was 24 dad died and I asked for a bit of help from a couple of people I'd really gone out of the way to help, who were actually my dad's friends not mine. Nada, not even a sorry I can't. Just a list of excuses as to why they couldn't help. Lesion learnt

It's not kind to enable poor behaviour. It just ends in emotional car crashes.

Sometimes being kind is to be honest and to say things people don't want to hear rather than to pander to someone because it's otherwise you create an unhealthy or otherwise more difficult situation/expectation.

I’ve done my loving-kindness meditation which is meant to help with connecting with others and went to pick up dc from school. Saw my DC’s best friend and his mum looking through the school bag for something so stopped for a sec to greet and ask if all is ok. She completely ignored me. So blatantly rude. Yes, may be, she wasn’t in the mood but she definitely saw us and could’ve said a quick hi back… I moved on as didn’t want to block the narrow way at a busy time.

She’s done similar enough times for me to know next time she’ll probably be back to ‘nice’. Some people just don’t care how rude they come across. I will of course be always civil - for the sake of dc - so in a way that’s a kind of unappreciated kindness from my side.

I think I’m kind but boundaried.

Theres a parent and child we have been driving home from an activity as they don’t have a car and it’s late. That’s fine as I offered and they live near us. However, I don’t take them on the way there or take the child by myself as that doesn’t suit me.

We don’t go to the activity if it’s not convenient just because of this lift giving situation.

I didn’t offer a lift to someone the other day because the child annoys my child and would have done so in the car. I would have done if this child didn’t wind up mine.

I think that yes some people can see kindness as weakness, and some people will try and take advantage

But advantage can only be taken if you let it. Kindness isn't giving everyone what they want all the time, that's just people pleasing.

But you weren't being kind were you? She was busy looking for something and you came and interrupted her?

I mean all obviously wasn't okay but you were hardly going to be an additional pair of hands rifling through her sons school bag and just would have distracted from her actually sorting whatever issue was at hand

Treat others as you would like to be respected but under that respect is a two way process and that they should respect you in kind with how respect them. No one way traffic.

Remember that everyone you meet on the way up, you may meet again on the way down. They will remember and you have lost nothing in being nice along the way.

Kindness is not a set of hard values. Kindness is a judgment call on an eventual scenarios and processes. Sometimes we all need a bit of tough love in order to see the bigger picture and for our own benefit even if we can't see it at the time.

Kindness is about intent not behaviour. We can be perceived to be 'mean' whilst the intent is kind.

Wow - what a take. I could’ve helped by watching her child for her if she needed to go back and speak to the teacher.

This is one of those false concern threads (possibly AI generated) where the OP will either never come back or will come back with increasingly word soup answers, saying, 'No, what I really meant by this was........' or 'I've observed.........'

Don't be so clever you forget to be kind,
don't be so kind you forget to be clever.

                Taylor Swift (I think it's from a song about advice from her beloved grandmother, anyway sounds good to me!)

The only people who I have ever met who label themselves as kind have been the exact opposite.

I like to think I am a kind and helpful person.

But I am definitely not a doormat. Take the piss, and my kindness shrivels up before your very eyes.