AIBU to ask DH for help?

[Fratch]

Ok here goes, looking for a bit of advice please, sorry its long. DH and I have been together for 27 years. He moved in with me and for the first 10 years of our relationship I paid the household bills etc (my call not his, we dined out on his wages so to speak and he was earning less than me anyway). We married after 7 years and a year after our DS was born. It wasn’t until we had our DD and DS started school that he started contributing to the household finances. Fast forward to now, I am 57 he is 50, I had a crap transition through menopause and my mental health has been dreadful for the last 2 years, exacerbated by the death of my much loved Dad and at the same time as my DH was having a 6 week stint in intensive care which we weren’t sure he would survive. I am exhausted, I run my own business and would desperately just like to close it as it’s such a struggle making any money at the moment and there is only me and my business partner to consider in this plus my 93 year old mother is increasingly in need of care which one of my sisters is providing alone which feels unfair on her.
I think I could survive on the money DH gives me every month, take a break and maybe do a little retraining and find another job but I am scared to ask him. He has a property that he rents out and we have talked for ages about putting both properties into both of our names as he pays 40% tax on the rental income and (the one we live in is in my name as I bought it before we met and the rental is in his name), we also agreed to increase the mortgage on the rental to enable us to clear the mortgage on the property we live in (£16K left) and do some work on both. I can’t do any of this without him taking the lead and re-mortgaging but any time I have ever asked for financial assistance his attitude has been as if I am asking for the moon or light hearted its "no problem" but never materialises. His has always been a procrastinator but when I addressed this again recently in the hope of moving things forward he said he’s scared to ask for a remortgage in case they say no, this now concerns me that there is something he’s not telling me as I know he is not good with money and had some issues when he was younger. AIBU to ask and should I just tackle this head on as he doesn’t share his feeling much? If I don’t sort our joint finances out soon and make a decision on my own work situation, I feel like I am going to lose the plot completely. Thanks all

You need to ask him for help as this is taking a huge toll on your health. Write down a list of all assets, yours and his. Sit him down and talk to him about it. When he says "yeah sure", say great because i have booked an appointment with the solicitor/accountant/person responsible and we are going on Friday.

Then see how things go once it is in action. If he freaks out then you know where you stand. If he goes along, reads the information and listens to the advice before signing then he is just too bloody hopeless to organise an appointment.

What is he like with other things? Is he generous in general? Sounds to me like you possibly have some personal hang ups about relying on others and he is happy to take advantage. That is probably worth looking into. I don't think what you are asking is unreasonable.

It’s not helping. Surely it’s him paying his way?

This is not about asking for help. This is a marriage/long term relationship where you are supposed to be partners.

You need to sit down and position this as what to do next, not about asking for his help. The status quo needs to change.

He is not the keeper of the help and the decisions. Tell him what you want, and why, and make an appointment with a solicitor/mortgage advisor/IFA at a mutually agreeable time.

If he says no, you have to give him the chance to explain why, and then make a decision about how you want to move forward given the new information.

Yep, tackle it head on. Time to sort out those finances (and if there is anything else, with the re-mortgage etc, well, best to find out sooner rather than later)

Good god OP. You've been married for 27 years to the man, had two children with him and supported him for at least 10 years. After that you say he started to "contribute" as if it was extremely good of him to do so! Marriage shouldn't involve begging or asking for "help" from your life partner and father of your children. Sounds like he's had an easy ride, or taken you for a ride. Tell him to sort his bloody act out although personally I suspect he's hiding things from you.

You have a cocklodger!!! Helping?!? He’s on the bloody council tax as a resident so should be paying his half and also half the kids!!! Same with the rest of the bills!!

if you chucked him out to go to “his” house then you’d be much better off receiving universal credit!

You're not asking him to "help". Why should you pay for it all? Whilst he had a btl all for himself?
He's taking you for a fool.

Hmm. All sounds very odd for a long term marriage but you are where you are.

Firstly you are married. If you are in the UK, irrespective of whose name is on the properties they are marital assets / liabilities. So you absolutely do need to understand if he has been buggering around with the finances on the BTL and it's on an interest only mortgage and there is no equity in it at all?

In your shoes, I would TELL him that if he is supportive you've decided in principle to close the business down and take a break so you can look after your mother, and retrain to do X before looking for a new job where you are not self employed and you get a pension and preferably health insurance. To that end, you both need to sit down and plan finances and establish the art of the possible. Can you please have a copy of all the relevant financial docs and you'll put together a spreadsheet of outgoings and incomings and then you two can have a chat before perhaps seeing a mortgage broker.

His reaction will be a marker of whether he is hiding stuff from you or not.

It's concerning you see this as asking for "help". It amazes me really ....the things couples share when they are married yet finances seem to be an issue for them.

Tell him that you need a sit down meeting as a couple to review your finances and then take it from there.

Thanks all. Yes, when I read out loud all the comments and look at your responses in black and white I realise that 1) I do find it difficult to rely on other people 2) I'm being an idiot, I should just lay it all out and have a grown up discussion with him. Thank you for giving me some clarity