Family money or your own money

[ton181]

We moved miles away from home, a career promotion for her, whilst I took a massive demotion. I worked a FT minimum wage job and looked after the kids as she worked weekends in retail. My career never regained the previous wage due to needing to be around for the kids, I had a retail background too.
Her money has been her money. She pays for the family holiday of 2.5k and I provided the spending money of 1k; which covered my ticket if you like. She complained I wasnt spending enough, which I dont have. She now earns x4 my wage. She embarrasses me and belittles me, because I dont spend what I dont have. We are not married.
Is your money your money or do you have family money? We have been here for 15 years and are about to split due to this. I have never asked for, nor received anything. I penny pinch every month and pay 50% of all household bills; whilst she wastes money left right and centre. I cant afford to take it in turns when we eat out. We had a big argument about me taking a massive wage cut and her response was "thats on you".

AIBU for being hacked off

Of course YANBU.

Where there are two adults in the family, and one of their careers takes a back seat due to either moving to accommodate the other's career, or due to taking on responsibility for dc and the home, then all money coming into the home needs to be seen as joint money, IMO.

That's not to say, you don't then both have some personal spending money too - I think that's a healthy thing to do if you are able to afford it, but the amount of money for personal spends (or saving) should be equal, after bills have been taken care of.

What was the agreement between the two of you when you first took the minimum wage job? Did she ask you to do it, did you offer? What was the arrangement you discussed?

It's all family money here. It gets all put in the shared pot and then we discuss larger purchases or ongoing commitments. I couldn't live in a marriage where one person struggled while the other had loads to spend. We've always cut back or relaxed a bit together no matter who earned what (we've both earned more than the other at different times).

Family money !

This seems unfair to you TBH.Sadly often when one partner becomes a SAHP ,the balance shifts.it sounds like this is the end of your marriage now. Money should be shared equally.

Do the kids have SEN? If not, I agree with her. Plenty of families have 2 parents that pursue careers. You chose to take a back seat and do a low paid job. You can't expect to live the high life off her money if you're not making any effort to do the same. You are in control of your career, do something about it before she gives up on you, (I'd have left you years ago!).

Once kids are in the mix it’s all family money, while you could have pursued a career I’m guessing your job allowed you to attend to the kids needs while she forged ahead. I think it’s very hard to have two career focussed people in a partnership when kids are in the mix. Different if you were not working and refused to work but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.

I’m the higher earner, all money is pooled and we have individual spending money, the same amount each. I couldn’t watch my DH struggle while I did whatever I liked.

Did you not make an agreement with her when you had children? You mention holidays before you mention housing - do you rent or own?
Why do you pay 50% of bills when you earn so much less and pick up more childcare? You cannot afford a 2.5k holiday on your wage so why agree to go along with it? Do your children have additional needs, otherwise why did you agree to limit your career at all - 2 working parents pursuing careers is not unusual?

I think your set up is very unfair to you. Why allow this for so long?