To feel that now my 'mum' is in rehab that I should beam back to the stars?

[pontipinemum]

Practical supports are always welcome, I am in Ireland

Enormous back story which I have posted on here many times. Can post again if people are interested. Nutshell - born, 6 weeks sent to live with GPs - back and forth between GP (plus 3 aunts) + parents until 3.5yrs - parents divorced dad vanished - mum sent me to GP full time - saw her 4ish times per year -

Moved to her age 12 - with my 'step dad' controlling, manipulative, S.A., narcissistic (hate using that as it is so over used right now but I think accurate) - neglect, emotional abuse from her - both drunk every night. But everyone looked clean/ fed/ went to school. Abandoned by her again and left to live with 'step dad' for a few months - moved back to my GPs aged 16. She followed me a year later - many many issues followed as well.

I am now 36 and there has been crisis after crisis with her. 1 involved ICU and being told she was likely to die.

She is in rehab after I put in some strong boundaries last year. We had a family meeting last week.

I feel so off kilter after - I am numb, I am staring off into space, I feel an enormous pressure of my chest. I also feel like good I am done with that now, time to hop into my little ship and head back to the stars.

I told my husband I think I am depressed. He told me I don't seem depressed that it is probably the weather and I need a good nights sleep. I think I need something more I just don't know what that is. I did try call the therapist I met with last week but she is out of the office.

YABU - Rest will restore
YANBU - You possibly need a little more.

You need to cut her out of your life and focus on your little family.

Sleep won't fix this, im sorry to say. You are deeply traumatised by your childhood. Well done for getting your mum into rehabilitation, I wonder if now you can draw a line under your relationship with her. You've parented her, not the other way round. You need good, intensive therapy now. You likely are depressed or cut off from yourself. Trauma does that, cuts our brains into segments so we can shut things away. Therapy will help join things back up. But your husband needs to be prepared for this to be emotional and messy and support you through more than your sleep pattern.

It sounds like you have had a difficult time, OP.
Good that your mother is in rehab.

I don't really know what "beam back to the stars" mean, but I think it's very normal to feel depressed after all the things that you have been through.

I don't really have any advice, bu I hope that you will feel better soon!

I cut my mother off for less
still alcoholism but I didn’t go through half of what you have

I’m not surprised you’re depressed - your childhood sounds awful.

See your GP and think about cutting your M out of your life.

I remember some of your other posts I think. I think you do not owe your mother anything and honestly if I were you I would cut contact. You have got her into rehab and now you need to focus on yourself and your healing.

I do think that you need more help and support than a good night sleep and your husband should not be as dismissive of you. I do hope that your thearpist is back soon.

This. Suns it up nicely.

It doesn't sound like depression or tiredness to me, more like PTSD which isn't fixed by a good night's sleep. Get an appointment booked with the therapist if you can.

It’s very likely an element of cPTSD. You have been through a lifetime of traumas. But you are allowed to put you first. This isn’t your load to carry anymore. You can set it down. You can quite literally zoom off to the stars and leave her to it. This isn’t your fault and it’s not your responsibility. You can set it down.

If you are in touch with the therapist, I would ask what resources are available to you. Talking therapy may help. I found it really validating to say it out loud and have someone else validate my experiences. EMDR and breathwork may help. I haven’t done EMDR, but breathwork was really powerful.

You now need to concentrate on your own family. Your DM is now in rehab so it's now down to her how she wants her life from here onwards to pan out once she's out of there.

You can only help those that want to be helped so it's her choice, if she's of the mind shes only there to shut everyone up and when she comes out she'll just revert back to previous behaviours you need to steer clear and right now I'd say you also need a bit of TLC but that's going to be more than just a good night's sleep.

You don't say if you have DC, depending on that you really need to start by giving yourself an hour or so a day to do just as you please, whether that be soaking in a bath, reading or just laying on your bed ponding as little or as much as you like...take some time to sit quietly and be in the moment and take care of you.

Actions I would take - or ask your husband to take -
— book a GP appointment
-chase the therapist— inform your family you are taking a contact break with everyone due to exhaustion.

One day or week at a time at the moment.

@SkaneTos ''I don't really know what "beam back to the stars" mean,'' It doesn't make sense but I feel like 'mission complete' time to return to base. - The mission was to get her to rehab. To 'fix' her.

@JustMeHello @mindutopia I was diagnosed last year with ADHD, it was 4 sessions in total. The psychiatrist said I have 'trauma related stress disorder'. I have also been seeing a counsellor for about 16 months now. Which has helped a lot.

@Shatteredallthetimelately I have a 3 yr old and a 1yr old. But they do actually sleep through most nights now. Then come clean up, laundry, etc.

@TheThingOnTheIce I feel like I only scratched the surface with that description. The strangest thing is that I didn't actually know what I had been through until I started counselling. Well like I did, but I didn't if that makes sense? I thought my feelings about my life didn't matter 'because it only happened to me'. Some absolutely awful things (assaulted at uni by someone in authority) but I always felt like it was OK.

When you went N.C. with your 'mother' how did it look? I feel like it would be a bit unfair to do it now she is finally getting help.

You tell her or anyone else pushing you to see or talk to her that you’ve reached breaking point with your own mental health and you need to take a step back to protect yourself.

@pontipinemumit was a few years ago now . She died while I was nc. But I think I gave her a few warnings about not contacting me with guilt trips and abuse whilst she was drunk (she only contacted me when drunk , wasn’t remotely interested in me when sober) and when she ignored me I blocked her . I was pregnant and wanted to protect my child from her and she died a week after he was born. I was also 36 at the time

I think you may need more, and that’s okay.

One of my family members was exposed to grooming and abuse from around the ages of 11 to 14 by her mum’s partner at the time. Her mum was loving, grounded, and supportive, but like many parents, she simply didn’t see what was happening. The abuse only came to light years later during what her mum thought was a typical heated teenage argument. I don’t think she will ever fully forgive herself, but she has done everything she possibly can to support her daughter since.

Fast forward to last year. This family member is now in her 30s. While reviewing a brain MRI she had for a health condition, her consultant tentatively asked whether she had experienced significant trauma. He explained that there were changes in areas of the brain involved in stress regulation that are often seen in people who have lived with prolonged stress or abuse.

It was a shock to all of us. The realisation that those early experiences may have left not just emotional scars but physical ones too, and that they were still be contributing to her significant health difficulties now.

What I’m trying to say is this: be kind to yourself. I’m not a medical professional and this is only based on my family’s experience, but trauma can permanently affect how the body regulates stress hormones like cortisol. Your system may not respond the same way as someone who hasn’t lived through trauma.

You are a survivor. Trauma can leave lasting marks, and it may mean you need more care, more rest, more boundaries, and more compassion than others. You are allowed to need more. You deserve more. And it’s okay to do whatever you need to make your life safer and easier, even if that means stepping away from people or situations that aren’t helping you.