To tell my 15 yo he can't have his phone in his bedrrom

[deliverdaniel]

Over Christmas we did a partial "digital detox" with the kids. My 15 yo DS had been becoming addicted to his phone, scrolling for hours in his bedroom (we put on various screentime limits but he found ways around it.). Mainly youtube, tiktok etc. Nothing bad or violent just endless dumb short videos that were rotting his brain. It was destroying his attention span, his ability to read, concentrate, enjoy other things etc. (He has ADHD and mild autism for reference so pretty susceptible anyway.). The digital detox went well. He was allowed the phone mostly locked down to the basics when he went out, to do schoolwork and could use it to text friends in another room but just not in his bedroom. He was enjoying other activities, getting out more, starting to read a bit. Now the DD is over and he wants it back in his room. I say no, he is furious. Says we betrayed him by saying it was temporary and then taking it away forever etc etc. What do otheres think/ do with teens with phones? is it U to say it's not allowed in the bedroom? (Unreasonable- let him have it in his bedroom. Reasonable- you are good to hold this boundary and say no)

It's not unreasonable to ban phones in bedrooms. They are in our house and my eldest is the same age.

He's right though, you were being deceitful if you told him it was going to be temporary and you never intended letting him have it back.

His reaction sounds like that of an addict. Stand firm.

He is 15 . He needs to learn to give himself limits on screen time. He is to old for you to do it for him . That ships sailed.
All you can really do is give him the relevant advice amd information on how bad it can be for you .
Or if he uses the WiFi turn it off completely in the evening. But im sure that will cause a lot of problems.

thanks for responses- glad to know others do similar. I don't think it was deceitful exactly- it wasn't that we told him that it was temporary but had planned to take it away permanently all along. More that we didn't know what we were going to do, tried this and saw that it worked well so now want to make it permanent...

for those who say no phones in bedrooms, what are the specific limits in your hosue? what do you do?

You point out that you pay for his phone and that if he can't be reasonable, he doesn't have one at all. Funny how quickly they remember their manners when you point out that they don't actually own the damn thing and it can be cancelled at any time.

I'm not sure if you mean in his bedroom ever or in his bedroom overnight?

14-year old hands in their phone at 9:30pm. Their closest friends have similar rules but I know not everybody in their class does as often there are 50+ messages by 8am the next morning on the class WhatsApp and some were sent after midnight.

He doesn't have ADHD as far as I know, was showing some behaviour but cutting down screen time during the day has really helped with this. No way could he have his phone at night, he drops everything for a message notification.

We didn't have this rule with their older siblings and we couldn't bolt the stable door. I wish I knew then what I know now (and I work in tech!). Their older siblings are in full support and see their earlier use as problematic. The oldest says won't give a phone to their own children until 16.

My DS has 45 min time allowance on his phone each day so just enough for WhatsApp messages to friends. No tik tok, insta. No phones upstairs. If he wants other internet access, youtube etc, he's welcome to do that on TV or tablet in the family rooms. I'm mainly trying to avoid him wasting his life mindlessly scrolling.

And when he drops out of school etc then what?

I can’t understand why you would think for one minute you’re being unreasonable. You’re the parent, you decide what he is able to do with his phone.

Phones go on charge downstairs before the kids go upstairs to bed. There are zero exceptions to the rule. If any kids are here for a sleepover, the same rule applies to them.

Would you be saying that about other addictions...

"He's 15 and needs to learn to give himself limits on alcohol, he is to old for you to do it for him . That ships sailed. All you can really do is give him the relevant advice amd information on how bad it can be for you"

Or

"He's 15 and needs to learn to give himself limits on cannabis, he is to old for you to do it for him . That ships sailed. All you can really do is give him the relevant advice amd information on how bad it can be for you"

Hmmm I think a blanket ban is unreasonable. At 15 it’s how they all socialise and relax - and yes some will say that’s terrible and argue against them having their phones but that’s the reality we live in. My Ds is 14 and we give him freedom to use his phone as he wishes BUT he has to leave it downstairs to charge at 10.30pm so he can’t be on it all hours of the night and by doing that he does actually read a bit before bed.

Tad dramatic. At 15 its not about control its about advising and hopefully they take it on board.

Mine dont have social media and never have . We always have used information to inform them why and obviously told them when they are over 16 we cant stop them. Thankfully my 17 year old still has no social media and has naturally developed the ability to limit screen time. And has plenty hobbies/interest that dont include a screen .
But we didn't confiscate or dictate. I think that just makes them resentful and angry

..but the DS clearly can't manage his time.

You can tell him ,but it's an addiction....

Also, each child is different, what you did may not have worked for another child.

DS2 has ADHD he is 16 his phone isn’t in his bedroom. He did ask last year could he have the rule lifted I asked him did he think that he would be capable of putting it down, not going on it very early in the morning etc. He thought for a bit and then decided he would have zero self control so it should stay down stairs.

I do a lot of work with him to get him to understand what he is and isn’t capable of and put scaffolding in place to help him achieve what he wants.

So all of his tech is downstairs only thing in his bedroom is books. He is happy with it like that.

thanks everyone. For him it's not really about the sleep- I don't think he's really on it overnight. It's more about the like, hours passed at the weekend of after school mindlessly scrolling, and the fact that if it's in the room at all it becomes the default entertainment (this is true for me too btw- just having it there means i pick it up whenever, and for whatever reason.). But he doesn't want to use it in the main rooms of the house, partly because his two younger brothers also have ADHD/ ASD and they are extremely wild and loud and they really stress him out so he wants to retreat to his room (this is a separate issue that we are working on, it's kind of a nightmare.)

the control we use: everyone’s phone lives on a shelf on the kitchen - free to take it down and use it whenever you want but that is where it lives. (It is where the chargers are). That way I can see easily how long he has been on his phone etc. It never occurred to me to try electronic restrictions - DC are far better at tech than me if they wanted to get round something they could.

So if he is doing homework I should be able to see the phone on the shelf - etc.

we also do if you are picking it up tell yourself why you are picking it up. “Checking messages” “looking something up” “watching nonsense on you tube”. Then do the one thing you said and put it back - this works less well partly because I am rubbish at modelling it.

these are some really good ideas- thank you.

My 15 year old has to leave his phone downstairs overnight. He'd been on it at all hours if we didn't limit him. He can use his Chromebook to do homework in his bedroom (it's tied to the school network and locked right down, so he can only access school-approved content).

9.30pm phones get charged for the night downstairs. We also have one day a weekend where we all ditch the phones.

The sites you mention are full of silly, pointless videos but also plenty of graphic, violent videos and plenty of misogynistic ramblings aimed at people like your DS so anything you can do to limit time on those are the best. Of course he’ll be angry but that’s part of parenting - the aim is to protect him not to be friends.

I’d have a chat with your partner about how things might change over the next 3/4 years (as you’ll have to slowly hand back ‘power’ as he grows up). Decide what your rules might be. Once you’ve done that and have a plan, apologise again to your son and then tell him exactly what to expect going forward, at least for the next 6m so he at least knows what the plan is for now.

Absolutely no to phones in bedrooms - that's a rule in our house, even during the day. No one has really ever challenged it, it's just how it is. Also no phones at the table or if we have guests (their friends are different but the bedroom rule still stands).

I can understand how he'd be annoyed if the previous rules were more relaxed - to have something taken away from you is very frustrating. But you decide the rules in the house and you gauge whether this is a battle you feel is worth holding. I'd say yes - especially at 15, but I know many wouldn't. It's encouraging to hear he actually enjoyed the detoxing though!

You are the parent, he is the child.

You set the rules and he follows them.

It is totally normal and sensible for children to not be able to have phones in their rooms. That way you can control how long they’re on them and get them used to not depending on them all the time.

Remind him that a smart phone is a privilege and not a right and you set the rules for phone use.

Tik tok and YouTube is absolutely brain rot you are correct. You’re doing the right thing.

When you say "this is an issue we are working on", do you mean that you are trying to prevent him from spending time in his room? Because I feel that is extremely unreasonable, especially during evenings and weekends and even more if his younger siblings are wild and stress him out.

He likely needs the safety of his own space to wind down. I'd say no phones overnight or after a certain time is fine, but he needs to be able to retreat to his own space and relax without his siblings bothering him. Whether that's on the phone, reading, or doing whatever. If you try and control too much what he does and where he does it, he might end up actually resenting those things, which is the opposite of what you want. I also think that given he has ASD/ADHD, it must have been difficult for him when you did not set clear expectations from the beginning as to how this phone thing was going to go. That has likely influenced his reaction to you turning round and saying you're making the change permanent, regardless of levels of addiction.

No no I meant we are working on the younger kids wildness/ behavior and trying to get them to be more sensitive/ mindful to the eldest’s sensitivities. DS is of course welcome to spend as much time in his room as he wants when he’s not supposed to be doing something else and def needs this time to recharge/ reset.

And yes- re the setting of expectations- you are right- that’s def part of why he is finding it hard . But this is where we are now and I don’t want to go back to something harmful purely because we didn’t set proper expectations around it. Life happens and you can’t always know everything in advance