To feel like things won’t get any better

[Lonely12]

Me and my husband have separate finances. Last year before we moved to the house we live in. I spoke to my husband about sitting down when we moved and looking at all outgoings, to see how much could be saved a month and to also try and stop my husband from getting into debt again. Fast forward and we have been in our house nearly a year and we still haven’t sat down and discussed our finances, even thou I have brought it up a few times. At one point he said he wasn’t going to write down his outgoings, he had said he would. He said that he doesn’t have any money left over at the end of each month and I found out he was using credit cards again.He finally did end of last year for one months outgoings.

There is stuff that needs doing in the house and things that need buying like a carpet for our bedroom, it’s currently got lino from previous owner. Also wanted to see if we could go on holiday this year, we haven’t been for four years.

Today I find out my husband is in further debt again, maxed out credit cards. He pays for the all the mortgage and bills, contributes towards food, we don’t seem to just do one shop, instead it’s multiple trips to the supermarket. Also one of our children will only eat mac Donald’s due to arfid. I did express my concerns over the mortgage amount payments before we bought the house as it’s just about nearly 50% of his wage. But he said he would be better off as he would be able to clear his debts. I pay for my own outgoings, towards food. Buy all children’s clothes. Shoes, pay for their presents, school trips, stuff they need. I do get dla for them.

I wanted to work our finances so we could start to save, be able to buy things for the house and pay for it to be decorated and to stop my husband from getting into debt again and so he would have money for himself. I feel like we are just going round in circles. We have two children to think about. I only started working a couple of years ago, I was a stay at home mum and on disability benefits.

Well that's not working as a team!

A huge part of relationships is finances. If he can't be honest with you then what's the point of the relationship?

A friend of mine controls all their finances as her DP is crap with money. He is fine with this. He transfers a chunk of his earnings into a joint account then he knows exactly what he has left to spend each month. He is now allowed a credit card!! Too dangerous.

I'd say you need to put your foot down and tell him he is either honest or he leaves.

Why is he paying the whole mortgage and bills? Is that a fair split?

This must be beyond frustrating for you Lonely12, I don't know if it would help to watch something such as Dave Ramsey's programmes on you tube as I think he has some tips on how to broach discussing finances with a 'reluctant' partner!
Both of your lives will change with regard to finances, stress and relationships not to mention doing up your home, so a lot is at stake if you can't get him on board. I would try and put all the positives as mentioned before and build him a picture of a happy, secure future for your family, good luck lovely x

Your contribution to the bills should be based on the income you receive. From what you are saying g, it sounds like he pays towards all the essentials where there are no savings to be made and you pay towards what is less an essential and more room for flexibility. Children clothes can be cheap, school outings not essential, presents can be cheap if necessary.

Could it be that he just can't afford what he is expected to pay on his salary whilst yours is only used for the extra?

Without knowing your income, its hard to tell.

Why don’t you contribute to the mortgage or bills
OP?

She does contribute, cheeky cow!

What is he buying on the credit cards @Lonely12 ?

She literally said HE pays all the mortgage and bills. You are being bloody rude for no reason. Try reading the OP.

She also said she pays for all children related expenses, contributes to food and pays her own outgoings.

Clothes, shoes, activities, Christmas, birthdays are all still bills.

I'm reading between the lines here but her DH will be the higher earner working more hours and the OP will also be picking up the lions share of the housework, despite her disability.

Take your own advice.

No, this is you and your reading comprehension. I didn’t ask why she doesn’t contribute to the household, because she clearly does. I asked why she doesn’t contribute to the mortgage and bills - which she clearly said she doesn’t. You can ‘read between the lines’, and il just ask the OP. Either way, bugger off and go call someone else names, there is just no need for it.

You need to ask about the credit cards.
I am in a similar position. It’s utterly draining when I count the pennies and he spends without any thought. 😢

Hi no it’s not a fair split. But I’ve tried, I’ve said numerous times we need to sit down and sort out our finances and it never happens.

our oldest is on a residential trip with school. I paid for it all. I also paid for all the clothing he needed for it, luggage bag, snacks, spending money, my husband bought him some headphones and that was it.

I’ve found out he is around 10000 in debt. He said before we moved that he wouldn’t get in debt again. Because he is in so much debt, he now has no spare money each month to do anything and can’t save. This is the third time now, he has racked up debts and doesn’t seem to learn each time.

He has lied to me and kept it hidden. Let me believe we could do things like go out for a meal and it didn’t happen so I thought that he just didn’t want to. I’ve offered to pay for a meal and he doesn’t want that. I have suggested before things we can do for free. I’ve said numerous times about sitting down and working out our finances which he then went back on then said he would and it’s not happened. He said he kept it from me as didn’t want to add more stress for me, which I do understand but he has just made it worse instead. I’ve offered a few times to send him money to help pay for our youngest child food and he says no. I have sent some a few times.

when I was a stay at home mum, I had to rely on disability benefits to pay for things and until I got my car on finance I used to send him a small amount each month.

I don’t know how we are going to get past this. He says he is going to get some advice but I think that’s only because I’ve found out how bad it is. I also found out that is the reason he is grumpy and snappy, because he is stressed about it, which he takes out on me and recently our oldest.

This means another year of where we can’t go on holiday. Means anything need for house, flooring etc will be down to me like it was last time. We can’t do anything that cost money so it has a effect on our children too

I think you should contact stepchange & ask for some help & budget advice. Wjat is uour set up? Do you work? I think its likely that hes overspending to keep all the plates spinning, especially if 1 of your dc will only eat mcdonalds (that will be expensive). I understand you are angry but you really need to understand what the money is being spent on to see how it can be reduced. Stepchange are really helpful - please contact them for support

I do work. I will mention step changes to him. Debts are not in my name. We are not linked financially. I’m worried, we moved house and the mortgage is 1450 because it’s over 13 years due to my husband age. That was 500 more than our old house a month. But he was meant to be still better off as put the last debts on the mortgage and I said we couldn’t afford for him to get in debt again especially with the mortgage payment been so high, he said he wouldn’t get into debt again and in less than a year he is 10000 in debt. I should have known it would continue he was in a huge amount of debt when I met him, I still don’t understand why as his outgoings were low then. I have two children to think about, how do I tell them we can’t go on holiday and can’t do stuff, not that they want to do stuff all the time. We haven’t had a holiday for four years and it would have been nice for us all after a year off me been unwell

What is he spending the money on? He's obviously living beyond his means but if it's not obvious to you where it's going that's the concern.

It can't just be he's buying too many fancy ready meals from m&s?

You mention your child only eats McDonald's. I'm sure you've tried but you can get the mock up ones you cook at home from Iceland's and if you put it in the McD packaging might they accept it? Sorry, slightly off topic.

With H I'd be concerned about addiction of some kind. If he's so secretive about his outgoings.

Sounds like you’ve got the best end of the deal if your money including family benefits is “spends” and he’s got the mortgage and bills to pay. You need to pool finances.

There are several, different issues here:

1. He has lied to you and you cannot trust him because he does not do what he says he will do and keeps secrets from you

2. He appears to be financially irresponsible and you don’t seem to know why he is running up debts

3. he doesn’t care that you’re worried about this and won’t discuss it with you and agree a solution. He has no respect for you.

4. you have allowed yourself to become financially dependent upon him

Either 1) or 3) — let alone both — would be enough to make me decide to leave a relationship. 2) he could have fixed at any point he wanted to do so but, like 1), is caused by 3). 4) is a situation that you have allowed to happen and has now backfired spectacularly and you need to focus your energy now on fixing that so that you can leave him and be free of this stress, as that is the only one that you can control.

Hi things are no better really. Step changes recommended an equity release on the house to pay the debt or to get a loan secured against the house. He was thinking of getting a loan secured against the house borrowing another £10000. He is no longer going to do this after I pointed out the risk of losing the house.

i don’t know if I can keep doing this.

also maintaince on the house isn’t been kept up with. When we moved in, I discovered that window frames were full of mould., which I cleaned and again some have mould. Again I’m trying to clean, I have asthma and physical health problems which make it harder. House still needs decorating, curtains I bought need putting up. Conservatory needs clean, as no heating it’s got lot of mould.

it’s like unless I deal with it, either paying or do it myself it doesn’t get done and he said it wouldn’t happen at this house. I’ve suggested selling and down sizing, he says no. All the stress is making me ill

It won't get any better, so you either get out or put up with it, if you think you can survive on your own leave.
I stayed and now am in a mess, I am dependent on him because I have become too ill to work and can't claim benefits whilst married and living here, it's bad he lies, and it's abusive frankly, but I am too old, ill, poor and tired to get out.
A liar about money will always be a liar about money.

I’m sorry to hear you are in this situation

Me too, but use my hindsight to get out, it could be you in a few years.
Be in control, it will not change, I caught him taking out a bank account in my name not long ago, for a stupid business that will end in debt, please don't let him lie to you anymore.