Friendship run its course

[Onemorestepaling]

I have a friend who I’ve known since dd was born 20 years ago. She had a baby at a similar time and we used to spend lots of time together with the children and nights out without them, She moved a few hours away about 8 years ago and until recently she’s been to stay with me a few times a year. She preferred to come here as she could turn see other friends too. About 3 months ago my db passed away unexpectedly. She was in touch a bit when it happened but hasn’t contacted me for nearly 7 weeks. She also knew that before this I’d been having surgery & my mental health was suffering. I contacted her a few days ago about something unrelated and she didn’t even ask how I was! She’s been thoughtless / dismissive of messages in the past but this is on another level. I did ask how she was initially and she said all ok. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

I think you’re not being unreasonable to be upset, but I wouldn’t want to end a 20 year friendship over it. Are you sure there’s nothing going on in her life that she hasn’t shared?

I’m so sorry about your db and health. However, how do you know that she isn’t in the middle of dealing with something quite big/serious. She might be feeing herself at the moment. Have you got any other friends or people you can get support from? x

@CountryBumpkin22 well I only know what she told me that all is ok!

Have you had an open conversation with her about it. I would feel upset too but I’d want to talk honestly before I made any decisions about the friendship being over.

I think it’s shit but I would explain to her how you’re feeling. Some people are just unaware (?)

If your friendship has survived this long then I’d give it a chance.

@Newone123456 thanks. Yes she might be but she hasn’t said and would do normally. I have one or 2 others I can talk to yet, 😊

Sorry for your loss.
She maybe also has a lot going on so I'd give her space and not message her and wait for her to make contact. On the other hand it surely wouldn't have hurt her to ask how you were as it only takes a few seconds to send a text. I'd pull back and just wait if I were you even though it's difficult as you expect a longstanding friend to be more caring during your tough times. Some people aren't good at dealing with the problems of others unfortunately and I don't think it's a conscious thing and I'm certain no malice is intended but it does hurt when it's meant to be a good friend.

One of the worst things that can happen to someone has happened to you. So sorry. And your friend has not been there for you…that’s awful. Unless she has something big going on in her own life, what is the point of the friendship. No support there

I have had a similar situation recently. I had a long phone-call chat with a long-standing friend (she lives abroad) after about 18 months of not having a proper natter.

The back story is, she was dealing (only child) with a dad who suddenly descended into a particularly nasty type of dementia. At the same time I was dealing with a cancer diagnosis, but realised that she just didn't have the bandwidth to deal with hearing that.

So I never told her. Then felt guilty/lie-of-omissiony that I hadn't told her.

But not once in that 1-hr convo did she ask how I was doing. I heard a lot about her long COVID, but she still doesn't know about my cancer because she never once asked "how arevyou?".

I not longer consider her a friend.

In answer to your question, OP, you are not being unreasonable to be upset. Unlike my "friend", yours knows your situ.

She sounds selfish and self absorbed. Step back from the friendship for the time being and look after yourself.

No doubt she'll be in touch when she wants somewhere to stay so she can see her friends.

@Rhaidimiddim so very sorry to hear about your situation 😞

It’s more of an English thing to be awful with grief and death. A lot of people don’t know what to say so the they don’t say anything.

I had a friend who experienced a loss and had worked in the USA. She said they were so much better at talking and asking how she was while the English skirted around it.

I agree it’s an awful situation and her behaviour isn’t great but as it’s been 20 years I think you owe her to make it up. Explain your feelings and what you would have preferred, allow her the chance to apologise. Worse case she doesn’t step up and it’s the same outcome if you didn’t say anything.

Thanks everyone. I messaged yesterday- just a general one about her children - no reply…

I would talk to her about things, the friendship may have run out, you’ve been through a lot and are struggling so a few texts wouldn’t hurt.
You probably won’t get a good reaction from her, but she deserves to hear that she has hurt your feelings.

Do you think you'd be okay with a downgraded level of friendship, where she might come and visit and you'd have a nice time together but there aren't expectations beyond that?

A lot of people stand back around grief, assuming the person will come to them if they need anything and telling themselves the grieving person needs time to heal and peace and quiet. It's not true but they don't know what to do, especially when she lives far away.

I think this is an awkwardness and communication problem, rather than friendship ending, but it's fine if you feel differently.

And me about yours. It is a very sad thing, and hard, to lose a friend.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother.

I think perhaps you just feel that this friendship is a closer one than your friend feels it is. It's a shame, but it's understandable when there's so much physical distance between you.

Thanks for all the comments. I’m very hurt and disappointed but as some of you said maybe something else is going on for her or maybe she just doesn’t value the friendship. No reply to my last message still.

she did actually reply today but no mention of how I am, etc

Bump