Is this normal teen behaviour?

[Sostewedover]

My da 15 doesn't speak to me about anything in his life whatsoever. It started about a year ago and has not let up - to the point whereby I dont even know what mocks he had each day as he brushed away any questions about what he was revising. I try to give him space I offer food and drinks and bring them up if he's clearly a bit grumpy. I try to chat a. It a bit in the car, we've been away on a hol to do his favourite activity etc. he speaks to me about absolutely nothing to do with his life not the name of his friends or a single comment about school teachers etc to say it's all boring.

He has friends, usually goes out of a Saturday to a party or hang out, never ever wants a lift always walks gets the train, does revise , isn't the most academic but is doing roughly ok, doesn't drink that I can smell at all and doesn't appear to take drugs no evidence that I can tell (90s ex clubber).

I worry that he is addicted to his phone as he is constantly on tic tiok or games and he lives in 2 hours as his father and I divorced when he was young - abuse and I ltb. While it was the best thing for our safety its been really hard since as exh is emotionally absent and very controlling and it's been 50 50 ordered by courts . I'm worried hes just sort of checked out of family life and while he doesn't seem anxious or depressed the impact of the 50 50 has been so unsettling he has just moved on. I can see him moving abroad / going to uni far away and frankly not coming back and it makes me sad. Oh and he makes a point of never, ever replying to a single text I send. It's getting me down.

Speak to school to check their view. Ask school for more info - for example parents can usually see timetables on the school system? It's ok to ask them directly for the mock timetable so you're aware.

Check his online/phone activity.

Spend more time with him doing things he likes and don't ask too many direct questions, discuss other things even if just TV or his next birthday.

Most teenagers have a point where they are more interested in their peers than in their parents.

mine are young adults now and they are in relationships and getting ready to form their own family life.

he is checking out of family life - but that’s because he is getting ready to launch out into the world. At 18 he’ll either be at uni or in a job and making new friends and looking for a boy/girlfrirnd.

it is a phase of life where parents seem less important.

that having been said, it’s good to keep the relationship going as well as you can. Do you have tv that you watch together? Is he interested in something that you can ask about and have a conversation about?

Not in my experience. I'd be so concerned. Is he like that with his father?

I don't know....two of mine are teens and have a bit of this but not nearly as extreme.

I was an only child and did much the same as your son. I think it was feeling insecure in all aspects of life and I closed myself in. It wasn't healthy and I did similar in the rest of my life. He needs feedback from loved ones to build self esteem.

Not normal no, I'm wondering how much of an influence your abusive ex is having on his attitude towards you? Do you pay for his phone? I had a rule with my boys when they were teens - I pay for the phone on the understanding that when I text you, you reply. If that doesn't happen, I will remove the phone. They knew I meant it so they did always reply to my texts, even if it was just an 'ok'!

I think you need to try and break through the distant behaviour and connect with him again. Ask him to help you find a good series to watch, ask for his recommendations - maybe you could find something to watch together? Ask him his opinions on what to cook this week for dinner, what does he fancy? Maybe rope him in to helping in the kitchen a bit? It's easier to chat when you're side by side doing something. Would he be tempted into a shopping trip where you get him a couple of new clothes? And lunch out? Just trying to spend a bit more time together is the goal. Tell him how much you enjoy his company, he might not show it but he needs to hear it.

Not normal for my teens. Their focus is certainly more on their friends, but I know what's going on in their lives (more or less).

I'm surprised you can't access mock timetables through the school?

All you can do is keep trying to offer to connect.

Thanks all

We did watch the traitors final together on Friday

We are going to a gig in march together just the two of us

I do worry about his self esteem and the impact of the divorce.

He used to chat much more to me about his interests but since he started having growth spurts is as though he just completely shut down in most aspects.

He does chat with his dad I believe they tend to have debates about current affairs he shuts me down if I bring anything up like that .

His dad pays for his phone and asked that I don't take it away and mocks timetables were wrong on the school portal for parents

Just to clarify has not shut down in terms of interests he is still into music fashion and parties just shut down in terms of talking to me. This did co incide with a big house move as well. He also does quite clearly have some ASD traits

Do we have the same son?

Seriously, very very similar here. I find we can speak a bit about clothes (he likes to look good) and more recently about current affairs. Not debates though, more like jokes. It is disheartening but I think all we can do is press on and look for the occasional chink in the armour of silence. Certainly asking him questions does not work.

We do get a takeaway once a week and he chooses a film to watch. This week it was Fight Club (had to fast forward through sex scenes). I asked him what he thought of it next day & this led to a bit of a chat where he explained his views on consumer culture, capitalism & masculinity etc. On previous occasions it’s just been Batman etc though!

Sounds pretty normal to me.
one of mine didn’t speak to me for two years. Actually didn’t speak apart from the odd yes or no.
no evident stressors and he had good friends and everything okay academically.
he’s 25 now and we have a good relationship though we are not especially close.
apparently he told his girlfriend he was a ‘complete dick’ as a teen and he has no idea why 😂🙄

Watching closely, as my DS 18 is like this. Divorced from his dad 5 years ago, and he hardly sees his dad, which is a good thing. But in terms of talking to me about friends, how college is going, he has stopped speaking to me in the last month or so. He doesn't go out to do one of his hobbies any more, just gaming and staying up all night. Ignores text messages.

I plan to speak to college this week, try to find out why his attendance has dropped to 50% and see if they will assign a male mentor to check in with him regularly, perhaps the OP could try that?. (DS has an EHCP for ASD). He has a tendency to be a news junkie and everything that is happening with jobs for young people, Trump etc does weigh on his mind.His younger sister has recently got a boyfriend and I do wonder if he is feeling left behind......

I'm sorry to hear that @CondeNastTraveller . It's so hard to be in this boat. I hope the college can provide some support that helps him. @RoastBanana that's a film he has watched and has enjoyed - just not with me. When I asked him about it he did have some good ideas about capitalism and toxic masculinity I was pleased to hear. But a big mistake is that we probably made his room too nice when we moved and he has Netflix etc in his bedroom so no need to come down and watch with us! If I could go back and undo that I would.

I can't advise about separated parents or ASD but my DS is 15 as well and yes does spend a lot of time in his room and with his friends and his girlfriend. He has a twin sister and she's much more vocal about her day etc so it's interesting to compare them in that sense.

My DS and I are pretty close though, we have the same sense of humour and he often tells me funny things that have happened at school. We also like the same music and spend time listening to music and playing guitar. We watch one show together occasionally, I also watch one with my DD that he doesn't like. Would any of these things work for you? Seems like you do actually do some of this stuff as well?

We also eat dinner together as a family most nights depending on work / school / sports etc so maybe you could try making dinner together more of a thing.

Finally the mock timetable thing - I'd be all over the school about that for the information. Just been through mocks as well and I had both their timetables printed and stuck up in the kitchen where we could talk about them and discuss what was coming up etc. maybe that's a bit too much for some teens.

@Sostewedover, I get what you say about his room and it would be useful if you could go back but you can’t. My DD and I discuss the engagement of her DD-14, my DGD, in family life. DGD, naturally wants to spend time in her room and she does but it’s 50/50.

Are you able to call him out of his room and say directly that you want to have a chat? He is never going to approach you for this necessary conversation but as his DM and the fact that he is 15, it is your duty to have this conversation with him.

You need to bring this to his attention. He may feel that his behaviour is totally acceptable, yes it is to some degree, but not to the degree you are experiencing.

He does talk and debate with his DF about current affairs and the state of the world but shuts you down when you attempt to have these conversations. He clearly is engaged, knows what is going on in the world and has not withdrawn, but why won’t he have these conversations with you. Does he not value your opinions, is he not curious about what mum thinks and feels?

From what you have posted, him not answering any of your texts and your fear that he will move away, could suggest that he may eventually go NC. Which would be terrible, your fear is justified.

I know it is difficult, but sit him down and have a serious chat with him. He clearly has something going on inside about yours and his relationship, because from what you post he engages well with others.