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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is weird?

24 replies

SlightlyPuzzled · 13/06/2008 20:00

I genuinely would like to know whether I am right to think this is strange.

Our next-door neighbours moved in about 8 years ago. At first we had no relationship until we had children. They have a 7-year-old DS and a 4-year-old DD, we have a 6 year old DS. Our DS (6) and their DS (7) like each other, go to the same school, sometimes play in each other?s houses and we take their DS to school one morning a week and they take our DS to school one morning a week. We also feed their cats when they go on hols. Other than the occasional adults party or wacky warehouse outing we don?t socialise.

Today I found out they are getting married tomorrow from their DS who gave us all the details ? it?s a restaurant followed by big party wedding. Now, I have seen them twice this week to exchange kids, several times the week before and we even went to a kids party with them 2 weeks ago, sat next to one of them for an hour talking - and in all this time they have never once told us they are getting married. I am finding this totally bizarre. I am not bothered that we are not invited as I don?t socialise with them and don?t know any of their friends. Am I right in thinking that to not once just mention they are getting married is very odd behaviour?

OP posts:

Original poster

SlightlyPuzzled · 13/06/2008 20:02

sorry my computer is converting ' to ? for some reason

OP posts:

Tortington · 13/06/2008 20:02

yep bizarre

hope you get them a lovely presen though

NotABanana · 13/06/2008 20:02

It appears strange they didn't mention it but maybe they couldn't have you because of numbers and didn't want to be seen to be rubbing it in, talking about a wedding you couldn't go too.

LaDiDaDi · 13/06/2008 20:03

If the details actually are as their DS has related to you then yes I agree that it's a bit odd for it never to have been mentioned even in passing.
A bit different if they are just planning to go off to the registry office with the kids and a couple of witnesses, then I would think that y were bu but in these circs. you are not.

Original poster

SlightlyPuzzled · 13/06/2008 20:05

It could be that NotABanana but what they have done (not mentioning it) seems worse than not inviting us IYSWIM. it feels like a snub

OP posts:

paperdoll · 13/06/2008 20:05

I dunno, if you don't socialize with them, why would it be odd not to mention it? Maybe it just hasn't come up in conversation?

For what it's worth, DP and I are not married (after 12 years together) and if we did get married one day, I imagine we would not make much of a big deal about it and not necessarily mention it to everyone. I might mention it to neighbours/kids' friends, but I can easily imagine not getting round to doing so, without having a particular wish to keep it secret.

Don't worry, I'm sure they are not actively hiding it from you

FruitynNutty · 13/06/2008 20:08

Maybe they just feel bad for not inviting you. But you were bound to find out anyway so they should have dropped it into conversation. Then again, how would you drop it into conversation? "Oh, by the way, we're getting married" you would sort of want them to say "and..... you're not invited/you are invited" It's a difficult one

Carmenere · 13/06/2008 20:08

I would guess that they actually thought about inviting you but had to keep numbers down and are concious of you not going and they are so busy that they just couldn't deal with telling you iyswim.

Original poster

SlightlyPuzzled · 13/06/2008 20:08

Hear what you sat paperdoll but it comes over as rude to me - but it's true I might have done something like this in my younger days (before I learned a few social skills!)

OP posts:

Carmenere · 13/06/2008 20:08

Er what NaB said

NotABanana · 13/06/2008 20:11

Then tbh I think it is your problem. It is not a snub at all.

paperdoll · 13/06/2008 20:12

[wonders if that means I have no social skills]

Honestly, I think with the combination of

(1) the fact that they've been together ages w/out a wedding, so it's not perhaps something they think is the world's biggest deal anyway, and

(2) the fact they may not be sure how to mention it without drawing attention to not having invited you

it is not especially rude. Just be happy for them!

Original poster

SlightlyPuzzled · 13/06/2008 20:14

Hmm.. you are all very empathetic with my n'bours, will have a rethink.

OP posts:

BagelBird · 13/06/2008 20:15

Just a thought... perhaps they are not the ones getting married and they are all going to a wedding together tomorrow?? We went to a wedding recently and my 7 yr old sounded very confused in the way she told her teacher all about being a bridesmaid and told her her Nanny was getting married when she really meant Nanny was taking her early..

Original poster

SlightlyPuzzled · 13/06/2008 20:17

sorry paperdoll, didn't mean that (damn I must be still lacking in those social skills afterall)

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 13/06/2008 20:19

My neighbours got married without mentioning it-they had lived together for years so I think they probably thought it was no big deal.

Flamesparrow · 13/06/2008 20:19

I don't recall telling my neighbours... I remember talking about it after, but not before (we used to chat over fence)

WinkyWinkola · 13/06/2008 20:21

No, it's weird not to mention it. Getting married has some significance in anyone's world.

The only reason they didn't mention it to you is because you're not invited and they're embarrassed. They shouldn't be embarrassed because as you say, you're not really part of their circle. You're not offended by this so that's cool. Send them a card congratulating them.

Original poster

SlightlyPuzzled · 13/06/2008 20:27

Thanks Winky, somebody who agrees with me finally, you put it perfectly! and I am even contemplating getting them a card AND a pressie

OP posts:

bergentulip · 13/06/2008 20:33

When we got married, already with two kids, we did not tell our neighbours, who we are on friendly terms with, but never talk about anything of significance with.

It just did not seem a big deal, and we are not the types to hype it up anyway. Besides, I would assume my neighbours would not really be particularly interested....

Seems quite normal to me.

Now, if you asked about it and they lied, well then, that would be weird.

Alderney · 13/06/2008 20:43

Its a bit strange, but my husband's work is like that...

When we were getting amrried I lived, ate and breathed that wedding, and so did the girls around me at work...

My DH didn;t tell his work (where he was 45 hours a week) and they didn't know until they saw the photo in the paper....

That was fairly common at his work - one of the girls he worked with did exactly the same.

Neither of us eloped - we both had fairly quiet weddings (we had 26 guests for example) and we had all lived together beofre we were married...but I did find it strange the he told no-one at work at all...

MERLYPUSS · 13/06/2008 20:49

I didn't tell anyone (other than close family - the only guests) til the day before. I didn't want the 'ooh what flowers are you having, blah, blah, blah' questions.

potoftea · 13/06/2008 22:11

Maybe they didn't tell you because they aren't inviting you, and were worried you'd feel you had to give a present if they told you, so are down playing it a bit.

stickybun · 13/06/2008 23:36

Depends what their view on marriage is - I've got a friend who did it v. low key and only invited family. DH has a friend who only told work afterwards because he didn't want to invite everyone from the office. Sometimes people are a bit shy or weird about things. Don't let it spoil a good neighbour relationship they can be very important - I agree with potoftea could be more to do with being self-deprecating/not wanting to impose. You could do worse couldn't you [rottweiler and drum-kit emoticon]

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