Am I being selfish?

[ThatNewReader]

I’m really hoping to have some views. I’m sorry in advance for quite a complicated dilemma.
my husband and I are recently separated. It has been my decision- it’s very sad but I sadly don’t love him anymore and resentment was really building. He is very upset and I’m feeling so guilty. He’s not a bad guy but has been difficult to live with- grumpy/ irritable and negative and over the years it’s really got me down.
We are still living together and have 3 children- 3, 8 and 15. We will be living together for the foreseeable due to finances and it’s all very new. Although it’s horrible seeing him upset I feel a relief that the pressure of having to pretend is over.
we haven’t spoken about the future yet but I have been- I’m just worried about broaching it.
basically very long story but about 2 years ago we moved an hour or so out of London to a large town. I’ve hated it ever since and have so many regrets about moving. There are a few reasons- I have a 2 hr each way commute twice a week, and I don’t like the town and have struggled to make friends. I also had a scary experience soon after we moved that has affected me. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy here. I’m desperate to have my own space where I can feel free and relaxed and happy with my kids.
what I really want is to move back to London where my family and friends are and where getting to work is easier for me. (It’s about an hours drive.) I think my ex will be ok with moving close to wherever I am as he will want to see lots of the kids.
but I feel I selfish thinking of moving them when they are settled here and they love our house.
ive been thinking a lot and my 8 yr old will be moving to secondary school in about 2 years and this could be the best time as he’ll be moving schools anyway. I would make sure to keep in touch with his best friend so they can see each other lots at the weekends/ holidays. But my 15 yr old will be half way through his A levels so I can’t move him. Is it horrible selfish to ask my ex to stay in our town with him for that last year while he finishes his exams- we can alternate weekends where my 15 yr old stays with me and my two youngest stay with their dad? My ex works in London so he can pop in to see me and the youngest after work on some days during the week?
then once my oldest finishes his exams he can move in with me and my ex will find somewhere close by?
it is quite complicated and I’m so conscious of the disruption for my children. But the thought of staying in the town I’m in now just makes me feel so depressed.

Is it horrible selfish to ask my ex to stay in our town with him for that last year while he finishes his exams- we can alternate weekends where my 15 yr old stays with me and my two youngest stay with their dad? My ex works in London so he can pop in to see me and the youngest after work on some days during the week?
then once my oldest finishes his exams he can move in with me and my ex will find somewhere close by?

If I was your X I would laugh very hard and plan as I wanted.

I think you need to talk woth your stbexh. He may want to stay in the town where you are now

Where does X want to live? If your 15 yr old has gcse this summer, you’ve only got 6 months to go before you are free to move to London with all the kids. And it could take that long to sort the divorce, sell the house etc. don’t make any decisions in a hurry but do think about where you want to be a year from now.

Will the kids definitely be living with you?

Have you discussed this or assumed?

You should not assume he wants to live close by, he could choose to stay where he is or go to the opposite end of the country. Also why you assuming DC want to live with you, not their dad.
You need to speak to him, instead of making assumptions.

“I think my ex will be ok with moving close to wherever I am as he will want to see lots of the kids.”

I don’t think you can have those sorts of expectations of your ex, nor do I think you can presume you’re calling the shots and having primary residence. You can’t be planning his weekends two years in advance! What if he’s sitting planning how he’s going to move to Brighton or Peterborough and you will of course follow so you can see the kids?!

If you really want to move then I think immediately after eldest’s GCSE is your best option- but I’d be prepared for a pretty angry and upset teen and an ex who may very well not want to facilitate your wishes.

This would be good but I don’t want to move my son’s school in year 6 to then move again in year 7. Just trying to keep the disruption to a minimum..

Wow! Your post reads like you've only thought about the benefits for you. Have you given any thought to what the impact on sibling relationships would be? Parents split up, now siblings are being split as well?

You're not trying to keep the disruption to a minimum at all. You're just expecting your kids and your husband to fit in around you. Grow up and have a proper conversation with your family instead of plotting on your own.

Yes you’re absolutely right that I’m making assumptions. I’ve been so anxious and trying to plan as a way of coping. I’ve always been much more hands on and done most of the day to day parenting- my ex has a very busy job and works long hours. So I will have them most of the time. I may be wrong but moving closer to both our jobs would make life easier for both of us. He knows how much I dislike where we live now and want to move so he will be expecting this. But of course I need to talk to him.

I think that you need to do what's best for your children. They've already had a major move to contend with and now divorce. They deserve some stability.

Yes, you’re being a bit selfish. Sorry.

Honestly, I don’t think you should move to London if you can’t get the timing right for all the children.

I’d be looking for a job nearer where you currently live and making friends locally.

It seems to be all about you and what you want.

You are assuming the children will be with you. More likely a 50/50 split if it went to court. And wouldn't that be fairer to your ex.

Thank you all for your messages. Feeling pretty awful- I can see how selfish I’m being thinking like I have been. It’s really not like me- my kids are my world. Think it’s just a reaction to feeling very down and a bit trapped/ stuck at the moment. It’s been a rough year.

Sorry but it does sound like it's more about what you want than everyone else's needs. It is important for your children that you are happy as well though. Do you think you might benefit from talking to someone about your mental health if things are feeling really hard?

Tbh it might be best to move for y6 so that you can apply to secondaries from your new address. Otherwise it might be hard to get school places?

Oh my god! So selfish!

I don't think moving your middle child would be the end of the world. It'll give them a chance to make friends to move up to senior school with. I'd aim to move in the summer holidays.

obviously it's going to require 'DH's' agreement. But for your kids sake you need to get this situation sorted out, them living like you are now isn't good for them.

Yabu and you risk DC all choosing to stay with your ex where their lives are, or your ex agreeing but then moving with DS disrupted during a key year. Also do you REALLY want to split your kids up at this stage and not be around for DS??

In your shoes i would stay put for the forseeable or make a compromise and out of the town but to an outskirts location commutable for DS school. Get therapy/counselling to deal with whatever scary thing happened and focus on joining groups to broaded your social.circle locally.

Yanbu for wanting to move but imo being a parent is about putting dc first and imo you are not doing that

Sorry you're struggling and it does seem like there is no clear solution.

Realistically, trying to make a plan with your ex that prioritises your needs is foolish. Even if he agreed now, in two years he could be with someone else and having very different conversations.

I think that if the marriage felt distant and the breakup wasn't particularly explosive it's tempting to assume that things will mosey along the same now. This is highly unlikely especially with that possibility of new partners.

My DH's ex (who also instigated the breakup) has always behaved as if her priorities would still be his, even when we were together years and had additional children. In financial matters she would say things like "you know very well the plan is for me to retire early and move to X location" and then look to me to agree with her. If she bumped into him out (on her day with their kids before I get a roasting) and about she would message me "I see he's on a day off. Please tell him to bring our daughter to tennis as I won't be back from golf in time". This wouldn't have been a problem pretty much ever but the assumption that she could tell him, not ask him was just bloody weird.

When the marriage ends your happiness will not really be his concern. His kids will. That's all.

It might of been a tough year, but you need to consider your kids feelings not to mention your exs. Your the one who ended the marriage it can’t all be what you want. Your being incredibly selfish.
Your dc come first, not just oh im moving back near london you all must do as I say including the ex!

Just take a pause. You’ve only just separated and are still living together. Your kids and you need some time to adjust to a new normal.

You need to just deal with the here and now, rather than creating narratives about the future. And, you really mustn’t make any assumptions about your ex or what the children will feel/do.

Yes. It is. You decided to have three children. You decided or at least agreed to move to this town. Now you have decided you'd be happier elsewhere you are going to cause major disruption for those children, with the only benefit of the plan being to yourself. It's the very epitome of selfishness.
However, people are often self serving and do put their happiness first, so its not uncommon. You have to decide really which is most important. What you shouldn't do is delude yourself that it's the 'right' thing for everyone. Because this will make you defensive and closed to any empathy for them, which could damage your relationship.