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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Handling this friendship

16 replies

ThrowingDi · 24/01/2026 22:16

My friend had a baby and was busy with family life. I would message her and she would ignore me, or we arranged to meet up and she just didn’t show. From my perspective, there were no hard feelings. I attributed her being busy with family life and nothing personal. But I spent less energy on the friendship as it became one-sided.

The other week she kept sending me cryptic messages such as “???” and “lol”. I messaged to figure out what’s going on, and she said she is disappointed because it was her child’s birthday and I didn’t say happy birthday. It totally slipped my mind because we only spoke about twice in the entire year! She calls me his “aunt” which I find slightly overfamiliar given how little we speak.

I then said happy birthday. But she said she’s hurt because I don’t invite her to catch up anymore, and that she found out I bought a new house through social media and feels I should have told her directly.

Aibu? I don’t understand how often am I supposed to keep a friendship going when someone disengages. When I was in the process of achieving the house finances, getting promoted etc, she didn’t want to know. So aibu to find her behaviour childish? I feel she thinks she should get leeway because of mum life, whereas I don’t like to impose on people so I’m not the sort of person to keep messaging if I sense it’s unwanted.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 24/01/2026 22:18

I would leave her to it she sounds 12

NotnowMildrid · 24/01/2026 22:31

She’s not a genuine friend.
I think you should cut her off.
Never be desperate and let someone treat you so shoddily.

ThrowingDi · 24/01/2026 22:53

I haven’t been desperate, I have left her to it tbh as I have a good relationship/family/other friends etc. but it seems like she has taken umbrage because I didn’t chase her

OP posts:
CaragianettE · 24/01/2026 23:01

You're adults. Have a conversation with her and tell her what you're telling us. There's absolutely no point in telling us, tell it to her. Give her a chance to tell you her side of the story. I don't have kids but you only have to read a few threads on here to get a sense of how tough mothering can be for some women especially with babies or very young kids. Her perception of what happened may be completely different to yours, maybe she was sleep deprived, maybe she had PND. Or maybe she's just an arsehole, but give her a chance to tell you her side of the story. Be adults and communicate with each other and say what you want, and sort the friendship out, or let it go if you want to, but personally I'd at least have a go at sorting it out.

PashaMinaMio · 24/01/2026 23:15

Life’s too short.
Grey rock and let it all die.
It all sounds immature on her part.

RawBloomers · 25/01/2026 00:19

You don’t have much to lose, so if you’re interested in salvaging what you can, maybe be direct with her - You’ve been busy and I get that with a baby. But I have been getting on with my life too and I’m not going to be tracking your DC’s birthday. If you want to take umbrage, that’s fine. We can drop things. Maybe you’ll feel differently in a few years. If you’re up for something more equal, let me know.

Possibly add something along the lines of - Has something happened that’s suddenly made you need a friend again? Because I’m here for you if you need support.

RueLepic · 25/01/2026 00:24

What @CaragianettE said.

EmeraldRoulette · 25/01/2026 00:35

I'm like you
If I never hear back from somebody, I'm not going to keep chasing them

There is one person, possibly two, who I think tried to come back into my life. But I just couldn't see the point. I also moved. I did let them know and heard nothing back at the time.

some people will say to you that you should accept that people will drop in and drop out, but we all do things differently

It's possible that she's been so overwhelmed with a new baby that she doesn't realise how things have been I suppose?

So worth having a chat to her about it.

purpleme12 · 25/01/2026 00:54

I would have messaged back saying it felt like you weren't bothered about the friendship much anymore when you didn't turn up/didn't answer texts like you used to so I backed away a bit

Wouldn't be having her blaming me

Createausername1970 · 25/01/2026 01:03

purpleme12 · 25/01/2026 00:54

I would have messaged back saying it felt like you weren't bothered about the friendship much anymore when you didn't turn up/didn't answer texts like you used to so I backed away a bit

Wouldn't be having her blaming me

This.

Make it clear you had been trying to stay in touch, but she either didn't respond or didn't turn up, so you didn't think she would be interested in hearing your news about moving.

Whether you want to continue the friendship is up to you, but she sounds immature.

Pryceosh1987 · 25/01/2026 01:03

She needs to be given an ultimatum. Either put out or kick rocks. Some friends just want all the attention without giving anything back.

ThrowingDi · 26/01/2026 14:10

Pryceosh1987 · 25/01/2026 01:03

She needs to be given an ultimatum. Either put out or kick rocks. Some friends just want all the attention without giving anything back.

Thanks everyone. I can’t lie I think she was put out because I didn’t buy her son a birthday gift. When she had birthdays, engagement, hen, wedding, baby shower etc previously I did get her nice gifts and I think she assumed it would extend to her son.

But my pov is - I didn’t get a gift as we don’t seem to be friends anymore. But I totally would be open to picking up where things left off, just without the passive aggressive attitude

OP posts:
TwoTuesday · 26/01/2026 14:18

She has zero self awareness. Yes she's been busy but she could have asked how you were and said sorry for ignoring you, being a shit friend etc, not send aggressive texts straight off the bat. It comes across as her just wanting gifts really. You could say to her that you've been taking the lead from her as she didn't want to meet up or be in contact, so you presumed she was happy for you to step back. She could have invited you to celebrate the birthday?

Tengreenuggs · 26/01/2026 14:38

You didn’t rush her child happy birthday, the friendship is done. Let it go.

Mary46 · 26/01/2026 15:20

Let it go. You at different life stages too. Or let her suggest dates. Op I dont chase people anymore.

Nogimachi · 04/04/2026 13:39

I wouldn’t expect anyone beyond grandparents and my sister to remember my children’s birthday.
There is no way I’d expect a childless friend to remember (I do have several) and if they did I’d actually find it a bit weird, to be honest.
To reach out a criticise a childless person for not remembering your child’s birthday is unbelievably self-centred, insensitive and crass, in my book. She sounds really dim.

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