Separating but living together long term

[Ioio18]

Have been with husband for 15 years, have two primary school age kids. Relationship is generally good, he pulls his weight etc etc. Unfortunately when stressed, he has a tendency to become quite controlling which manifests in nagging me about anything being out of place in the house, asking why something hasn't been done or questioning when I've spent money from our joint account - which I contribute equally to and usually it's just house or kids stuff. We've clashed over this many times over the years and I feel like I've reached my limit.
I've considered leaving him, but as a child of divorced parents myself, I don't want to do that to my kids. I also couldn't afford a house in our area and would have to move them away from friends and school. We are in the process of buying a new, bigger house together (6 months in to legal process, not a recent decision) , would it be insane to go through with this and live there together as housemates until the kids are gone.... talking 10+ years... I know it sounds mad, I just don't see another option.

Well for a start would he agree to this? And then what happens when either of you or both have new partners?

Also, would you drill be frustrated with the same issues? You'll still have to agree about where things are placed in the house etc...

Have you even discussed this? And how would it work In practice. How would it work with new relationships. You can’t expect that both of you stay single for the next decade or never progress a relationship to living together or invite their new partner home to stay the night and not many people want to get with someone who lives with their ex.

I really doubt this is a good idea.

Absolutely insane.

We divorced last year and are stuck living together until property sells, likely another 12 months so it will have been 2+ years separated. It’s absolutely fecking awful, awful for us, awful for DD. It is absolutely not the right thing for your children.

Rip the plaster off and forge your new life. I’m having to leave my dream home in a perfect village to live in a bog standard 3 bed semi in dullsville. But it’s still preferable.

In some ways this is what I needed to hear... It's an awful decision to try to make and i think I'm just to scared to take the plunge.

We've talked about it, he knows I'm at the point of not wanting to continue, he's now trying everything he promised he would try over the last 5 + years to make things better... Just need to try and see if it's enough and anything sticks I guess

Unfortunately when stressed, he has a tendency to become quite controlling which manifests in nagging me

You want your kids to suffer ten years of that? Nah!

We didn’t do this, because exh moved out as soon as we split up, but I would really advise against it if at all possible. The reason I say this is, when we first broke up, although it was obviously strained it was easy to be amicable. 5 years on so much has happened that I find it very hard to even be in the same room as exh and in fact I’m changing arrangements so that I see even less of him than I currently do. It probably sounds daft when you’ve been living together for so long, but you’ll be amazed how quickly some apparently good men can change towards the person they married, especially if it was the woman who initiated the break up.

I did what you are proposing OP.
I wish I could say whether it’s good or bad.
I think on balance, it’s better to fully separate.
Pro: you don’t have to lose DC 50% of the time.
Con: you don’t get to move on.
Ultimately I’d be surprised if your DH agreed to this. Good luck OP.

Are the both of you planning on remaining celibate for the next 10 years? If not, how do you plan on handling the relationship part of it all? I think the kids might confused with all the mum, dad, mum’s partner, dad’s partner all hanging out in the same house part of it. I think it’s distasteful. Surely, you can see it’s not workable.

Really dreadful idea.

You either stay and work on things, or you make the break.

I obviously can't comment on your childhood and would hate to invalidate your experience but my parents divorced when I was young and honestly I'm glad. 10+ years of snide, passive aggressive comments and tiptoeing around each other is not worth it.

Living together but being separated doesn't sound like it would be too big of a difference from just being together. I would start putting a plan together to leave properly tbh.

Op for that 10’years you will be accumulating assets or liabilities into the divorce. Ie your pension will grow and in (in theory) you’ll have to give him half when you have 10 years less to recover it for your own retirement.

it too status quo and too “married” for me to cope with for 10 years

plus, you know he’ll carry on being controlling right?

I can tell you from experience, this won't work, you will both be miserable and you will resent each other. End it and move forwards with your lives.

Depends if you are both in arrangement, I knew a couple who agreed to have a loveless marriage, slept in separate rooms but didn't see anyone else, they seemed to make it work until children left home, but can imagine it was difficult and not sure what example it sets to the children.

Don’t do it. I did it for years. He wouldn't agree to any suggestions. He started another relationship 2 years ago and still refuses to move out. I’m now in the middle of a very contentious divorce after banging my head off a wall in mediation for 7 months. It has stopped me moving on and has been a complete emotional rollercoaster. Worst decision I ever made (after marrying him). Any chance of us being amicable coparents is well gone and I will never forgive him for dragging this out and putting himself before everyone else.

It depends. It won’t work for most people. However if you get on reasonably as friends and, importantly, both have no interest in new relationships, it could work. Most people want to move on, but not everyone. To be honest I wouldn’t want another relationship if I ever split. Been there done that got the T-shirt

My pal lived with her stbxDH for 4 years, it did her head in. He became increasingly difficult and it was getting pretty unsafe for her. She finally left and is enjoying her new life a lot more.

It would NEVER work. Imagine if he even agrees to this, then 6 months into it he brings home a lovely lady for dinner and to spend the weekend with, and she's over all the time because she's the new woman, how would you react? How would that make you feel?

If you leave him, then you must go for good. But I don't think this is the way- especially since it doesn't sound like he's really done anything wrong that would warrant leaving? Does he abuse you? Does he cheat? Does he drink, gamble, etc?? If he's a good man and he's willing to work on things, which it sounds like he is, I would stay and work on it too, and enjoy the new bigger house😅

But if you can't see yourself doing that and you want to end this marriage, then do it all the way otherwise you both will be very unhappy.

Had he considered counselling, it sounds like quite deep seated anxiety?

We do this. The living together I mean. We are several years into it. It’s managable. But, if I had the financial means to live apart I would. He was made redundant and now has a job earning a lot less to the point he couldn’t live independently. I won’t see him in poverty. I don’t think that’s in my children’s best interests. I have a boyfriend of several years but that relationship is conducted elsewhere. Never in my home. My husband is fully aware and the kids have met him.

everyone’s situation is different and there is no one size solution. We live in London and have a reasonable quality of life. We get on ok. The grieving for our marriage is done. The kids are eleven and thirteen and I don’t know what will happen in the long run. They may hate us for this one day but they get to stay in the nice house and their life remains relatively consistent. To live apart would mean leaving the area, school etc, and a huge amount of upheaval. And a subsistence existence. So this is what we will do for now

Is your husband making more of an effort because he's worried you won't proceed with the house purchase?
seems like you should stop the house purchase then reevaluate the relationship.