AIBU to feel done after husband video called another woman in front of the kids and then denied it?

[Rainyschoolrun]

Married 12 years with three kids (10, 8, 6). I’m a nursing student about to start placement. Husband works full time and is a good, involved dad who supports childcare, which I do rely on.

My youngest recently told me when I was out his dad was on a video call with a woman and the kids spoke to her. My husband apparently told them she was his sister, but we know and seen all of his sisters. When I asked my husband who he was video calling, he said no one. When I asked if our son was lying, he said no but still refused to explain and just stonewalled.

He is also very secretive with his phone and barely lets me touch it. This now feels like escalation and denial rather than a misunderstanding.

I’m not jealous or heartbroken. I just don’t want to live with someone I don’t trust or who denies reality, and tbh I see it as utterly disrespectful. Since then, I feel calm and at peace when it’s just me and the kids, and tense when he’s around.

Joint tenancy and starting placement means I need stability short term, and I don’t want to damage his relationship with the children as he is a good dad.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line beyond repair?

There’s no reason it would damage their relationship with their dad specifically, especially as you’d obviously need 50/50 care. How will you make childcare work when the kids are with you? How long is left until you qualify?

He’s not even trying to hide it. Even worse, he’s doing it in front of his kids too.

Would he continue to be that great dad if you were to separate?
Are you able to plan an exit?

He sounds awful, I’m so sorry

and the kids spoke to her.

If he's not remotely trying to hide her, your marriage is not going to last long either way

Nothing to do with the kids relationship with their dad. He is going to do whatever he wants regardless of your action or inaction. He has already introduced her into the family. Take the power away from him by deciding how/when you will end the marriage and just present him with a fait accompli. “I am separating from you now with a plan to divorce and split assets and childcare within the next year, two years, whatever. I see you have moved on emotionally and have a mistress who you have introduced to the children so we can call it quits. Save your breath arguing or lying about it. My mind is made up.” Done.

He lied to his kids and gaslit them and their mother. That's not a good dad OP. But if you need to stay for practicality, do.

It sounds as though you're planning to turn a blind eye when you know he's having an affair. That's up to you but I couldn't live that way.

Another bastard man I'm sick of these pricks who shit on their partner all because they're sex obsessed can't keep it in their pants dickheads....op you deserve better and allowing to let this woman say hello to your kids how dare he..disrespectful knob who doesn't you

Last line should read 'who doesn't deserve you

So either this woman is happy to be having an EA (at the very least) with a married man with kids, or he's lying he's a single dad or some bullshit. I mean he lets her talk to them?!

If he was going to do that he could've at least used his brain to think of who he could say it was or even just say, oh it's my mate from work Sally, and showed any correspondence. If it was indeed just a friend he'd maybe only recently started talking to outside of work. With nothing untoward.

So he's not even trying anymore. Obviously your kids and career come first, so if you need to delay splitting due to work for a while then just grey rock. And get all your finances sorted. You don't even need to say you're doing anything yet.

He's introduced his affair partner to his kids. This means this is not a one time thing, this is likely a serious affair. You can't count on him to want to stay married as long as you want to. He may want to stay married once he founds out the financial costs of divorce, but continuing a marriage with man too stingy to divorce is not something you can rely on. It's not a marriage where you can expect love and support when he wants to be somewhere else but is too stingy to make the break. You can't count on his financial support. He lied to your face.

Get your ducks lined up and get a lawyer consult so you know your rights and what you're entitled to. Make copies of financials and store them in a safe place he can't access.

Get full STI checks.