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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to question DF’s behaviour?

15 replies

Justlikestartingover2 · 23/01/2026 17:08

With Christmas being almost a month ago now, I find myself still questioning my dad‘s behaviour and would like some honest views on this.
A month before Christmas, my stepmother was taken ill and was admitted to hospital for about a fortnight. She was discharged without any definite diagnosis, just a suspicion that it was a viral infection. My dad was understandably very worried during this time and when she came home said that they weren’t going to do Christmas this year. With a number of hospital appointment still hanging over them, I completely understood that they did not want to send cards, buy presents etc and respected their wishes. My dad asked me to tell my two sons (both in their 20s), his grandchildren, that they were not going to do Christmas this year.
What I don’t understand though, is that on Christmas Day on Facebook he posted a picture of his dog dressed up in Christmas clothes and then went to my stepmother’s daughter’s house for Christmas lunch. I didn’t hear from him at all on Christmas Day – not even a text message.
I should add some context here. My dad walked out on my mum when I was two years old and I grew up with my mother and an abusive stepfather who used to revel in telling me “your real dad doesn’t love you “.
So what are your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable to feel that I was shut out at Christmas? Perhaps I’m being triggered to remember my stepfather‘s cruel words. Or should I at least have expected a text message?

OP posts:
90sTrifle · 23/01/2026 17:13

Of course you should have received a text message on Christmas Day.

What are the usual plans for Christmas with your dad when he ‘is’ doing Christmas?

Jellybunny56 · 23/01/2026 18:15

Not unreasonable at all to expect a text message, did you send him one?

I’d take “not doing Christmas” to mean not hosting/visiting/gifts/cards etc, a text message isn’t exactly a huge burden.

Aplstrudl · 23/01/2026 18:18

What a shit to say he’s not doing Xmas then has a Xmas event!

yeesh · 23/01/2026 18:38

You dad is an arsehole

Justlikestartingover2 · 23/01/2026 18:48

90sTrifle · 23/01/2026 17:13

Of course you should have received a text message on Christmas Day.

What are the usual plans for Christmas with your dad when he ‘is’ doing Christmas?

Usually we get together in the fortnight
leading up to Christmas and I spend Christmas with my mum who would otherwise be on her own. I’ve always spoken to my dad on Christmas Day though

OP posts:
sprigatito · 23/01/2026 18:51

I would interpret that as him viewing me, my family and any interactions with us as a chore. He can’t be bothered with you and sees you as optional. So I would be “matching his energy” by removing him and his wife and dog from our lives. He can reap what he’s sown, which is fuck all.

Justlikestartingover2 · 23/01/2026 18:53

Jellybunny56 · 23/01/2026 18:15

Not unreasonable at all to expect a text message, did you send him one?

I’d take “not doing Christmas” to mean not hosting/visiting/gifts/cards etc, a text message isn’t exactly a huge burden.

I respected his wishes and didn’t message. It was only on Boxing Day that I saw his Christmas Day FB post and learnt that they had gone to my step-sister’s for lunch. Maybe I took him too literally? I did ask him if he would prefer me not to send a card etc when he initially told me they won’t be doing Christmas. He said he would prefer not so that’s what I did. As weird as it seemed. I’ve not been in the same position but I am struggling to understand what would make me feel so bad that I wouldn’t even wish my own children ‘happy Christmas’

OP posts:
DemonsandMosquitoes · 23/01/2026 18:58

sprigatito · 23/01/2026 18:51

I would interpret that as him viewing me, my family and any interactions with us as a chore. He can’t be bothered with you and sees you as optional. So I would be “matching his energy” by removing him and his wife and dog from our lives. He can reap what he’s sown, which is fuck all.

This

purpleme12 · 23/01/2026 19:22

You're not being unreasonable

It is odd that they claimed not to be going Christmas but basically to me it sounds like they did.

Mind you for a fair few years I didn't hear from my dad on Christmas Day. He didn't text either.

He's died now. Too early. He wasn't a perfect dad. But he really tried later. And I recognised that.

90sTrifle · 23/01/2026 21:09

Justlikestartingover2 · 23/01/2026 18:48

Usually we get together in the fortnight
leading up to Christmas and I spend Christmas with my mum who would otherwise be on her own. I’ve always spoken to my dad on Christmas Day though

Is the meet-up usually at his? He may have just cancelled this part of Christmas as the prep for the meet-up would be too much whilst his wife is sick.

Sending a message to you on Christmas Day I suppose would go against him ‘cancelling’ Christmas and didn’t want to cause confusion. Maybe!

They still have to eat though, so DSS probably insisted they go to her for lunch.

You’re probably overthinking it.

Rhaidimiddim · 23/01/2026 21:13

They didn't want to host. They didn't have the mental bandwidth to plan. That doesn't mean they have to sit at home eating gruel.

Justlikestartingover2 · 23/01/2026 22:21

Rhaidimiddim · 23/01/2026 21:13

They didn't want to host. They didn't have the mental bandwidth to plan. That doesn't mean they have to sit at home eating gruel.

Sure, completely understand they didn’t have the capacity to prepare for Christmas. They haven’t hosted for years and there was no intention they would this time, even before step mother was taken ill. It just felt like my children and I were blocked out with a blanket ‘not doing Christmas’ which didn’t seem to bear out in reality. Still playing on my mind!

OP posts:
Justlikestartingover2 · 23/01/2026 22:23

90sTrifle · 23/01/2026 21:09

Is the meet-up usually at his? He may have just cancelled this part of Christmas as the prep for the meet-up would be too much whilst his wife is sick.

Sending a message to you on Christmas Day I suppose would go against him ‘cancelling’ Christmas and didn’t want to cause confusion. Maybe!

They still have to eat though, so DSS probably insisted they go to her for lunch.

You’re probably overthinking it.

No, never at his. Usually at a pub halfway. Thank you for your balanced answer x

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/01/2026 23:22

Sounds like a great excuse to not bother with you and yours. Just remember it...

JanBlues2026 · 23/01/2026 23:31

I bet your step mother did all the legwork and mental load of it all in previous years

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