Is this led by middle age hormone or am I quietly just a miserable rather nasty person.

[LonelySeahorses]

I've always found it difficult to make friends. Always feel I have to mask very heavily to fit in. I am sure i am not alone with this... I work as a nurse, im a mild mannered person who hates conflict but as part of my role as a senior I have to effectively deal with this daily. Im a mum of teens and i have a partner. Family is very limited. I do most things alone.

I am on HRT..it's maybe reduced some of the hot flushes but my moods, my tolerance and anger levels are sky high and I consistently seek for ways out of my current life ie running away to another country, re-training as a lorry driver, moving myself into the woods...silly things mostly that just reflect my feelings of overwhelm. I cant and wont do any of them.
I divorced a controlling older man 5 years ago who basically mirrored my abusive and very neglectful childhood. My feelings run very deep..and I have paid thousands for therapy over the years. I cant afford it, it's eaten into any little bits of wages that could have gone towards my children or towards bills. I hold massive guilt that essentially i feel no different than i did prior to therapy (5 years of it with 3 different therapists)
Its been suggested by all 3 therapists that I have Audhd. Ive been on a list to be assessed for several years through "right to choose" but the GP screened me for autism and said i didn't meet the criteria.
I don't share my thoughts with anyone properly outside of the therapy. It's too muxh for anyone to understand and a few times i picked the wrong friend to confide in and it bit me. I also understand that my issues aren't for anyone else to deal with and that its a bore to hear. I also understand that people are genuinely well-meaning and trying to normalise neurodivergency and there is lots of training at work around the subject and work places love a bright poster advertising inclusivity and various nurture groups etc for various disabilities.

I am probably sound awful, but i dont discuss my feelings because of the responses like "oh arent we all a bit Adhd?/on the Spectrum" or "yeah me too (plus some anecdote about how they multi task then end up late on the school run so this makes them adhd or maybe they've always not liked carrots and peas touching on the plate.so this probably means they have Autism)
I live daily with crippling difficulties that i can't share with anyone, rushing thoughts, anxiety, energy crashes, physically have to hold my own hands so that I don't stim and recently at work became so overwhelmed by the lighting, the air con and then the chit chat, that I fainted. This has happened a few times.
I constsntly think i am in the way, unwanted and i really struggle in groups of women. I dont understand the hierachy, i dont understand the chit chat and i am now really isolated at work partly due to a jealousy about banding and pay.
I have a higher band and work quietly. A lot of the health care staff and other nurses dont like it that i am paid more and at least once a day there is a snipe about discrepency with responsibility. Rather than tackle it properly, i have just applied for and been offered, another job.
I know it was a bit rash of me as itll happen again. I just annoy other women and i dont know why. I actually really like my team but could feel the other nurse slowly "recruiting" other Band 5's and the workspace had started getting quiet when i approaxh etc. Its quiet possible that instinctively they know i am different and they find me annoying and im sorry about it.
I will keep a smile and keep saying "morning" and checking in with everyone but i have often had frosty relationships with the sort of "alpha female". I wish it wasnt like this but it often is. Its made worse by the fact i get on well with managers and with consultants although try to be very quiet abiut this.

Days off, i try to hide from the world as it is so loud, bright and i just tried to nip into Tesco and within a few minutes I have had to leave as feel physically sick with the smells, the sounds and the huge waves of energy that I feel crashing off other people. To be fair it was silly of me as i know this happens..but i do try every so often to do these "everyday things" when i need the loo or an emergency drink while at work as i live in hope that i can just be sort of "normal" and not have to expend huge amounts of energy on litrle every day things.

It feels so trapping and diffixukt to plan everything i do around picking quiet times, avoiding others. I have suxh sensitivity that i csnt even bare head phones or a band or even those special "Loop" ones designed for this exact thing.
I am a nurse that is used to assessing others very thoroughly, i know with my patients that I am good at listening, really hearing what is going on, i try to always empathise and gather information without judgement. Hopefully I can offer some positive input into tackling some of the health issues. I am now finding that doing this along with all my own unmet needs is becoming massively uncomfortable and I can feel myself reaching burnout and I am finding it hard to care about others... when i cant find any solace myself?
I wish i could just hide but i have to keep going and hope it gets better dont i?

this does sound very much like you are approach autistic burnout. I'm sorry, that must be very hard.

what steps can you take to get a break? can you afford to not work for a couple of months? can you identify what is most stressful in your life so you can step back from that thing?

Oh OP, you sound so unhappy. Does your family have any idea about all this? Are you actually on a waiting list for assessment?

That's a lot to carry all alone.

I don't think you are in any way a 'miserable rather nasty person'. Perhaps you are in a perfect storm of ND and menopause so that the things that make life more difficult day to day are enhanced due to menopause.

Have you talked to your GP about all of this? Have you considered anti anxiety medication to see if that would help? Edited to add, yes autistic burnout, maybe a period of extended sick leave would help you recover and then return to your job.

As for the other women, I totally understand. those alpha females are such hard work, they drain the will to live from me. Why can't they just leave you alone to get on with things, instead of bitching and complaining about not being as successful as you, or as good at their job as you. I hope the new job works out for you.

I am ND (diagnosed ADHD, but also likely autistic) and a lot of what you say i can relate to.

Traditional CBT type therapy often doesn't work for ND people. You might be better to try and find e.g. an ADHD coach.

Have a look into RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) as this is very common especially for ND women. Reading about this and coping techniques has been more helpful for me than counselling was.

You could also consider if anxiety meds are worthwhile. Propanolol is often a good choice if your BP is ok.

Autism sucks. You need autistic friends.

Try writing down your sensory difficulties, your social and communication difficulties and your routine/fixed interest difficulties again and try a different GP. Plus why would diagnosis make a difference to you. (Accomodations at work maybe?) There was so much in your list.

I can relate to so much op. Have you got much worse in mid life? I am mid forties. Its been much harder for me to hide it the past few years.

I identify a lot with what you say.
i had some sort of identity crisis a year ago and considered a private diagnosis but decided against it as i cope ok mostly.

I am also peri and have had to listen v carefully to what my changing needs are and I just don’t like a lot of stuff used to do.

Ive started HRT an praying this helps so far I feel terrible but I am also navigating a tricky bereavement

I am a bit stuck at the moment but I have figured some stuff that helps me:-

Being on my own
Gardening
One to one friends only
Rest
Being in the open/countryside
Planning

Don’t stay in that job it’s draining you
I don’t understand how those female groups work either
It’s Smells and noises for me and it’s worse now than before
Read up about RSD it helps to understand and spot when this is happening to reduce the impact

what exercise do you do? Spend 30mn on a punchbag every day, your anger levels will go right down.

As a fellow autistic nurse, I connect with your experience. Nursing can be a hard works to navigate.

Personally, I wouldn't see your GP's screening as evidence you aren't neuro diverse. I think there is quite widespread misunderstanding of nd, particularly female-presenting nd.

What's worked for me is finding a more niche role within my field where a lot of my work is solo and the colleagues I work with are more of a multi-disciplinary team and all a little quirky too. I'm currently doing project work for NHS England, but there are all sorts of small teams out there you might be able to access.

My social life and wellbeing has been massively improved but opportunities to spend time with other neurodiverse people. Niche hobby groups are great for this, is there anything you might like to try? Martial arts, historical reenactment, cosplay, fandoms, basically anything a bit geeky has a pretty high chance of having some other neurodiverse members. I also find it a lot easier to make friends when there's an activity we're doing together.

I also wanted to say something about anger - have you ever considered that you are justifiably angry at a shitty world that hasn't treated you fairly?

Anger is a normal human emotion, though one that women and nd people are encouraged to hide.

Maybe it's ok to be angry.

Me too! Relate to pretty much all of your post. Wish I knew you both in real life!

I agree with this. I am not neurodiverse (that I know of), but I think suppressing justified anger and feeling the need to constantly smooth over shitty behaviour at the hands of others causes a huge amount of internal stress and damage.

Sometimes we have to play nice with people who have hurt us for our own survival but acknowledging the right to be angry is quite powerful.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much and I can relate to a lot of what you say (including being in the nursing field, albeit at a lower end!) and having adhd and social anxiety. It can be crippling at times, so I really empathise.

It would be worth seeing which type of activities help you relax, whether it's sport (are there perhaps autism/ND friendly sessions) or having a long bath with candles, I even had a bath in the dark when I had a migraine and I can see how that could be a great way to decompress if you're struggling with sensory issues related to bright lights.

They also have autism/ND friendly supermarket times, usually in the morning, so you could look at trying those. They dim the lights and keep noise to a minimum I believe.

You're doing so brilliant in life to have achieved so much in your career despite your difficulties, so you can be so proud of that. It might be that you struggle with eye contact? Or perhaps nerves make you talk so fast the people at work can't understand you? Can you ask someone you trust what you think it might be?

What you are describing is the truth about what it’s like to have ADHD. Or a similar neurodivergence.

it’s not a fun quirky lifestyle or a superpower. It’s akin to a prison sentence of misery and frustration.

the fear of being seen and the horrible mortification of any social interaction, the searing emotional pain of being excluded and judged by others for reasons you can’t comprehend.

medication helps. That is all I can say

It leaps out to me that you likely have autism. I don’t understand the GP pre screening, there’s no way given what you’re describing that you don’t meet the criteria for assessment.

I suggest you go through it again or seek a private assessment.

(I’m not saying this lightly, I’m a camhs clinician who diagnoses ASC)

I would agree with others, that there seems to be Neurodivergence there.

Id also like to point out someone who has experienced both an abusive childhood and an abusive marriage often become more sensitive to other people’s emotions and energy, a sort of hyper vigilance state. This heightened sensitivity is typically a survival adaptation, where the brain remains on high alert and is draining both mentally and physically.

It is worth bearing in mind that CPTSD can present like autism, so it could be the former due to your childhood.

Whatever the diagnosis, the answer is the same - do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and make your life work for you.
Talk to your DH.

You've done amazingly well to get to senior nursing whilst having Audhd. I couldn't survive a week of it being that close to people let alone a whole career. I'm the be outdoors in nature / hide behind a computer type ND.

ND definitely gets harder to manage around menopause. Have you talked to go about hormone therapy, anxiety meds or antidepressants?
I stupidly stopped my AD after 5 years and the irritability and anxiety I'm suffering now is unreal. I'm back on them and hoping they kick in soon.

I totally second the comment about finding ND friends.

For me it was getting my children's diagnoses that made me realise my own ND. Since then I've found that getting my kids into autism groups has naturally made me meet more autistic parents. I get on with ND people much more and its also a great source of support.

I'm finding that the mix of perimenopause and pressures of caring (kids and now parent) is almost impossible on top of ND.

I have become incredibly sensitive to smells and sounds. My partner's breath is hideous to me. It can really anger me.
I have completely changed (or unmasked) cant stand large social gatherings anymore with music, drunk people, more than one person trying to talk to me at once just about makes me die inside. Worrying about what my face is doing. Overthinking everything I say. Checking body language. Guessing about what people are thinking about me.

Message any time you like for a good moan!

Im very glad not to feel so alone...but also rather sad that anyone else feels like this x

Menopausal rage is definitely a thing. It’s hormone led rather than an age/life thing.
The fact that you are concerned about how you appear to others is a good sign that are actually a nice, considerate person.