DS refusing school upon end of reduced timetable & school are refusing to let him have another

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I posted in September but no linger have access to that account. I'll copy some of the OP from that thread for context. Some of you may remember.

I have 2 DS’s DS1 is 16 and DS2 is 15. They're 10 months apart. They have totally different personalities, DS1 is more outgoing and very popular whereas DS2 is quiet and sensitive. They both share a room and do share some interests

He started secondary school and struggled to fit in immediately, DS1 would say he would follow him around at lunch which he hated, he likes football but not playing it so he'd stand there watching them which DS1 would say was embarrassing. He then started saying he was “emo”, started listening to rock bands, wearing black, painting his nails , he tried to put eyeliner on, I sort of left him be though this has been the case for 3 years now! He dyes his hair black and has done for the last 2 years, maybe I shouldn't allow it but school allow natural colours so I don't know. Initially he did it on his own (in the summer before year 8) so I thought better I know? I do worry about the damage it's doing to his hair though.

Anyway, he did become friendly with some boys from drama club but never really hung around with them in school, DS1 said he'd see him on his own and DS1 never wanted anything to do with him in school. He’d constantly say we didn't care about him and I didn't understand him etc etc, that he had no friends, he was called weird etc. I may have posted something on here on a different account at the time I'm unsure. This was in Y7 and 8 mostly.

He cares a lot about his hair and looks. In year 9 things ramped up a lot, I guess because of puberty and this is another issue because he hates it. He's been crying more often and it's hard to tell him everyone is uncomfortable during puberty because he sees DS1 and he's very confident and has told him in the past to stop being dramatic (which didn't help!). His behaviour in school really slipped too, he was getting negative behaviour points, skipping lessons and giving attitude which is so not like him.

He began school refusal and I tried everything, taking his devices until he went and this would work but then he didn't go in the last 2 weeks. He didn't have any devices at all but didn't care he just said I didn't understand him and hated him. Summer was terrible I gave his devices back but they were arguing constantly, DS2 would complain about DS1 spraying deodorant in their room. Constant fighting and DS2’s attitude was terrible toward both myself and DS1. He cried a lot and seemed so angry. He stole alcohol and got extremely drunk.

CAMHS referral went in ages ago. When I last posted in September he had refused to go back after the summer. I finally had an appointment with the school and he was put on a reduced timetable. At first, just until break time and then it worked up etc to lunchtime etc.

At home, he was still the same though with his behaviour and to make things worse my eldest had issues with his behaviour too so it felt like I was suddenly juggling them both. It felt like eldest was trying to fight for my attention and he was getting himself unto trouble at school almost constantly because DS2 didn't have to go to school FT and when he got home DS2 would always be on his games which DS1 obviously would prefer too. DS2 seemed okay with the reduced timetable and went every day, he only had the last few days before Christmas off as he was unwell (as was I and DS1). The Christmas holiday was awful mostly due to his behaviour, I planned nice things even without DS1, so it was just the 2 of us, and he refused to get out of the car even after i’d booked things like bowling and the cinema.

Anyway, this week was meant to be his first week back FT, monday & tuesday seemed to go okay, he went to the library at lunch and it was all fine etc. Wednesday however I got a call shortly after lunchtime, he had been crying on a bench outside and wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong, just that no one had done anything. He came home early and refused to go in yesterday & today, he still hasn't said why he was so upset I even took him for lunch yesterday (eldest isn't happy about that either) but he still wouldn't say. All he's said is he's not going to school on a full time table, he wants the reduced one back etc. School have basically said no as he’d worked it up to full time and a reduced timetable can't be a permanent thing especially as he's in year 10 and GCSEs next year. I feel like serr back to square one

Thank you if you’ve read this far

A reduced timetable would surely be preferable to non attendance. He could take a smaller number of gcses as an adjustment if needs be. Has he ever been assessed for neurodiversity? The focus on appearance and emotional episodes rings bells with nephew diagnosed with adhd and as.

Can I reframe “school refusal” to “Emotionally Based School Avoidance” . This may be a case where he’s not being bad, naughty or defiant, it’s that school is scary, risky, and overwhelming.

There are some great resources here https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

You are not in your own, there are lots of us. DD missed nearly all of Y10 & Y11, she was late diagnosed with ASD, and the anxiety attached to that is what kept her out. She started Sertraline, and needed a lot if emotional support, but now at 19 she’s settled at college, happy, doing something she loved.

So what I would say is “don’t panic” getting his Mental Health sorted is key, exams can come later.

Unlike you we had a really supportive school who tired allsorts, they kept her on role, and let her take her exams. They have since completly revamped SEND provision.. you don’t need an EHCP to access extra support, they offer reduced timetables, on-site Alternative Provision, Alternative timetables etc.. they are doing an amazing job.

You need to get much now demanding with school and services, sorry to say it’s about pointy elbows .. I messaged CAMHS weekly for our appointment (and we ended up with the most amazing consultant), you need to make a parental request to the Council for an EHCP .. you probably won’t get a full EHCP (we didn’t), but the Assesment process along, with the Ed Psych will really help.

School need to tell you, how they are going to create an environment that suits your Son, they are legally obliged to educate him. Do not offer to Home Ed, the responsibility is on them, and you need to push them.

The best thing you can do is not make attendance a battle ground, make sure he knows you are on his side, and realise there is no rush

Is the school in England?
I feel there's a push on schools to not keep extending part-time timetables. Which is why you might be getting resistance from school. BUT it doesnt mean strategies can't be put in place to support your child. And timetables should be built up gradually.

Ask school.if the school is connected to a mental health team, who can provide some therapy sessions.

I'd also look at private therapy, if you can afford it. They sound terribly unhappy.

Are there any subjects your DS really hates? Suggest to school you build up gradually on the timetable and try and get your DS to be involved in these discussions so they feel they are involved in the plans.

Have you looked at the Not Fine in School website and Facebook group?
Worth a look if not. It sounds like, ND or not, he needs some extra support and understanding from school and from home.
Try not to think of it as refusal, but that he 'can't' go rather than 'won't' go.
If you think he might be neurodivegent there are lots of resources - Missing the Mark - Eliza Fricker; Naomi Fisher courses (webinars) that might help explain what's going on
https://courses.naomifisher.co.uk/school

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

He may be struggling with self esteem and confidence by the sounds of it. And that although he's very close in age to his brother his brother would rather not know him at school. Sounds like his brother also needs some support to understand the impact of his behaviour on his younger brother (if he's that embarrassed by his younger brother at school and shows it in his behaviour towards him that must be very hurtful).
DS2 sounds misunderstood and miserable. Try to talk to him and try not to get annoyed with him. He needs help. Schools can very much lack compassion and understanding on these issues.
Good luck

That’s absolutely ridiculous from the school - if they don’t offer him a reduced timetable in a structured way, then he’s just going to reduce his own type timetable by not turning up.

I’m aware that part-time timetables are not meant to be permanent but the alternative in this case is non-attendance. From what you’ve said there could be some send needs so I would be speaking to the senco booking an appointment with his head of year and asking what strategies they will have in place to ensure his attendance if they are not prepared to go down the part-time timetable route. Essentially, you need to be the squeaky wheel and if necessary, the person who complains that he’s not getting enough support. If you don’t get anywhere, ask to see their complaints process and follow it, generally, this should get people’s attention.

Some FE colleges start at 14 although I appreciate moving isn’t ideal it’s better than not getting any exams at all. Also online school options.

I agree with the above comments. Your ds2 sounds like he has undiagnosed and unsupported Nd. He urgently needs compassion, support and to be built up. Find a way to separate ds1 and 2, they can't share a room. If ds1 says he wishes he could stay at home and play games instantly respond, "Well I'm really pleased that you're able to go to school and it's working for you." It's unacceptable to have one child bully the other for having a disability. Empathy needs to be taught and criticising stamped out if you want healthy, functioning adult sons.

I am guessing he was prem.
He is screaming out for neurodiversity assessment - ask school if they will accept him doing 4 or 5 GCSES (english, maths, combined science)
Consider home schooling him

Does your local council have a 14-19 study programme?? I had to withdraw my son from school completely aged 15. He was a nervous wreck worried about the upcoming GCSEs. I asked school if he could just take maths and English but they refused. He's been on the 14-19 programme and this year he's doing his exams. They are really supportive and have given him so much confidence. Small classes and they really are amazing

Have you tried moving schools? Would the school support you to get an CAHMs assessment or have they explained why it’s not appropriate? Are you certain your eldest son isn’t / wasn’t bullying him in school?

I think you should take your son out of the house and have a private chat with him about what’s really happening in school and why he doesn’t want to go. Ask him lots of open ended questions, ask him about his feelings, ask if there is anything he enjoys at school. Then you need to decide if the school’s the problem or your son is unsuitable for that school.

He’s 15 so he doesn’t have long left before he’s out anyway. In your case I’d take him to FE colleges now, start looking at courses he’s interested in, so he’s got something to look forward to.

You've got a few issues going on here.

Do you live in a 2 bedroom home? Is there anu way you could sleep elsewhere in the house? Sofa bed downstairs for example? So they could both have a bedroom?
They are so differnt to each other and need their own space. I think this should be a priority.

I dont think your eldest is being horrible as others have suggested, they share a room, go to the same school, ds2 was basically smothering him so his reaction was to be nasty to create some space between them .

I really do think you should pull him out of school and find an alternative arrangement. It would do them both good to not be at the same school and your son might flourish in a different setting. Alot of troubled teens find themselves in college when there is less pressure from the cool ones

What support is the school providing?

Request alternative provision under section 19 of the Education Act 1996. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. The LA has a duty to ensure DS still receives a suitable full-time education. That isn’t the same as full-time school, though. It doesn’t have to be full-time school though where that isn’t appropriate. It could be part-time school and part-time alternative provision. Or no school and all AP. Education (not school) should only be part-time if full-time education in any form is not appropriate and it should be regularly reviewed.

Also request an EHCNA. You might have to appeal but you can get an EHCP for the needs you describe. IPSEA also has a model letter for this.

He's really struggling so I wouldn't try to force/pressure him to attend. He needs to know that he has your support. Short term, tell school he's not coming in unless on a reduced timetable and you won't force him. Longer term, I don't really know I'm afraid.

What is it about the reduced timetable that works for him? Is it avoiding the social issues and loneliness of lunchtime?

I don't think moving schools would help as he'd be in the same position and he's in year 10 so there really isn't long left. I don't think there are 14+ colleges.

I don't think it helps we live in a “rough” area and he refuses to go outside most of the time because of how he dresses and his hair etc as there are a lot of boys in tracksuits and things and he obviously worries about that, we only found out a few months ago. He's still also quite small for his age, most the boys in his year are also different and are more like my eldest. The drama friends seemed more similar to him but he didn't want to continue the friendships for whatever reason

The school have said there's no signs of ASD or ADHD but they agreed he is anxious, he was doing well on the reduced timetable, he was doing his main lessons of English and maths etc and then studying things he had missed at home on the oak Academy and was still doing homework. On Monday and Tuesday he seemed fine and went to the library at lunchtime which I think did help. DS1 was keeping an eye out for him and he did say he saw him in the canteen and he threw the food he'd just bought in the bin and went outside (he only told me this after DS2 wouldn't tell anyone why he was so upset) apparently DS1 was still in the queue and DS2 was quite far away so he couldn't ask him why or anything.

I know them sharing isn't ideal but I have switched the rooms around so they now have the bigger room

In our area there is 14-16 provision as part of larger college arrangements.

So this might be worth a few phone calls just to check.

Absolutely shocking that they won't continue the reduced timetable that he was doing well on if they acknowledge he's anxious.

By law the LA must provide an appropriate education if you do not withdraw I would be asking to speak to the head of children's services to ask how they propose to do this if the school removes the provision?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

They were quite short with me this morning and said it's only been 2 days, once he's back in the routine of it full time he'll be fine, he just needs to try but he wouldn't even get up and dressed today or yesterday.

I don't think there's any SEN but I think a lot of it is anxiety especially about how he looks because he does stand out but the school have said if there's no actual bullying then they can't do anything and DS has said there isn't

Poor boy, he sounds so deeply unhappy. I think being so close in age and so different, sending them to the same school was never going to work - he was being set up for failure.

I think a fresh start is now vital for him and a private assessment as it sounds there may be neurodiversity going on. I cannot see how this can ever improve if he is being sent back into a place he hates everyday.

I would say the very best thing you could do for those boys is ensure they have their own bedrooms. They both really need their own space especially the younger one. Can you split the bigger room in some way?

School need to put him back on the reduced timetable - do they have a pastoral area or hub where he could then go to do his other work if he is not coping with being in the classroom outside of Eng/Maths? It sounds like he isn't coping at lunch times, is coming home for lunch an option? If not maybe the library could be his space, that's where DS (ASD) spent all his lunch and break times.

He sounds very typically ND to me, schools are not qualified to say whether he has ASD or not and this is not an unusual age for the wheels to fall off if he does have ASD. I would tell him to go to whatever he was going to on the reduced timetable and then tell them he's not coping and needs to do his work where ever kids go when they're struggling/in isolation.

Did DS want to go bowling or cinema? They might be nice things for a lot of kids but maybe not him. If he's ND then the things he likes might be less mainstream.

I would also if you haven't already, start looking with him at what he's going to do when he finished school, try and get him feeling positive about that and hopefully see how useful it will be to have some GCSE's to his name. Hopefully he will find his tribe once he leaves school, I know this has happened for a few ND kids i know including DS.

Anxiety to the level you are posting about comes under the legal definition of SEN.

I wouldn’t rule out ASD either.

The school are not qualified to say whether he has ASD or ADHD.
DD was diagnosed by qualified professionals, with years of training.
School saw she was “anxious”, they did not see the underlying issue, as that’s not thier skill set

What they mean is “he is not showing signs, that they would recognise”.

Self-refer for an EHCP, get mailing CAMHS, read up on parenting a ND young person, and push school to provide the proper support

Change where he gets his education and find somewhere he can study part time, being away from DS1 might help foster independence.