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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think that I am, but I'll run it by you anyway.

54 replies

tiredemma · 13/06/2008 17:46

Just had an email from my best friend who loves to go out every weekend. Her partner is away on a stag weekend so she is planning a night out with a few friends, message reads

"Hi we are all going up the pub on friday and then back to mine after to continue. No excuses - get DP to babysit blah blah blah"

I am instantly riled- I will be the first to admit that my social life is non-existant - this being attributed to university/placements and working to survive and eat.

The 'no excuses' bit has pissed me off as, yes- I do make excuses not to go out- not because I dont want to (who wouldnt want to go and have a drink over wiping bottoms????)

Im also upset as I feel that they haven't got a clue about me. Im doing a 37.5 hour week on placement, 18 hours part time work over the weekend (im on a night shift tonight and back in to work again on sunday morning at 8am, also have 2000 word essay to finish off for monday)

Am I 'unreasonable' in not going out? I feel like a shit for saying no again but I honestly cannot be arsed- I hardly see my kids as it is.

OP posts:
WenchConnection · 13/06/2008 18:17

From a best friend I'd assume she was being pushy, because knowing me well she'd know I'd have to be forced out of the door and certainly thought I needed a break. Thats just me.

eenybeeny · 13/06/2008 19:07

well what have you decided? sometimes I have needed a push to go out but I have usually been happy I did. Though it does sound like you have an awful lot on. But it also sounds like she cares about you enough to bother.

WinkyWinkola · 13/06/2008 19:10

Well, "no excuses" does sound a bit of a dig to me. As if your reasons for not being able to go previously aren't valid. But don't get too irritated. Is your friend childless by any chance? My childless friends are clueless about my personal situation and don't understand why I can't just go out shopping and boozing at the drop of a hat.

Go out though. You'll have a really good time. Sounds like you're in dire need!

maidamess · 13/06/2008 19:12

tired, I have a friend who 'bosses' me into going out, and my back is instantly up when she asks me in this way.

Go out, forget that she wound you up, stop thinking about it so much.

(Well, Cod has a gaval, why shoudn't I ring my bell??)

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 13/06/2008 19:24

YANBU! She is bossy. I would tell her to stuff it. but then my worst nightmaare is a girly night out .I find it really irritating when people refer to 'excuses' (my boss does this) - it is bullying!. So just say you can't make it - give no reason or she will assume it is an 'excuse'.

suey2 · 13/06/2008 19:40

she misses you and knows you are knackered and could do with a night out, that's all.

cosima · 13/06/2008 19:46

no don't go. YANBU. Why does she have to organise something just cos her man's gone out? Can't she be happy with her own company? She sounds needy to me, and she's making you feel guilty about it . My so called BF does this all the time, I've decided to drop her.

I hate people when they so call 'host' events but the onus is all on you, instead of being an invitation that you can accept or decline at your freedom.

If you think you'll have a good time go, if you don't think so then don't and don't feel guilty.

I am anti social tho

seeker · 13/06/2008 19:52

OK - I'm alone on this one. I think she sounds like a really good friend who wants to see you and knows you are likely to be so tired and stressed that you will automatically say no and she's giving you a bit of a push. Get your glad rags on and go. You don't ahe to say long - but I bet you will once you get there!

Springflower · 13/06/2008 19:53

I'm with whoever said go if you want to and dont if you dont and ignore the way the invite was put. It does sound like you could do with a night out but whether this is the right one is for you to decide. I do think its often hard to go out and you have to make the effort if you want to do varied things and stay in touch with friends but you are the best judge of this.

cheeset · 13/06/2008 20:08

YABU, sounds like a fab mate to me. She just doesn't fully understand your situation. Don't beat yourself up, just go to work and know you are worthy of a good mate and know your'e due a damn good night out.

bergentulip · 13/06/2008 20:24

Why can't you go along for a couple of drinks, and then go home?

Chat a bit, relax, then get home to bed and rest.... best of both worlds.

QueenBhannae · 13/06/2008 21:02

It will get to the point where people stop asking.
Take some time out to relax.
Enjoy your well deserved night out.

IwantYourNickname · 13/06/2008 21:27

if you go you won't have fun because you will be worried all the time, but if you don't go, you will see that invitations will become less frequent. it's up to you! maybe you deserve a break after so much work. maybe you can do it another time when you feel more relaxed.

Scoobi6 · 13/06/2008 21:57

I understand how you feel. Have lost touch with some of my free and single mates since having dd... I don't have as much on as you do but do work full time and juggle toddler, dh, weekends travelling up and down motorway to see ever-insistent rellies, etc. I've tried explaining to mates that friday drinks after work in the supper-bath-bed-collapse period can't be done but they just don't get it.

If you feel obligated to go out to keep your friends happy, don't bother with it. But if you want to go out, do it the way you want to. Just go along for a couple of hours, or something? I've found happy middle ground with some of my mates now - we meet up in a country park, dd can let off steam and we can have a proper chat and catch up while we wander. Or I put dd to bed then leave dh in charge and go out for a few hours, but often I'll just open a bottle of wine and stay at home cos that suits me best.

BEAUTlFUL · 13/06/2008 22:07

Aw, that poor friend! She was just being charming & making you fel wanted. What was she meant to have said? "Sweet dear Lord, please say you can't come?"

BEAUTlFUL · 13/06/2008 22:09

"We are all going out for my birthday on, um, a night coming up soon, I'll text you the venue [cough] in a, er, minute... You'll hate it though, don't bother".

BEAUTlFUL · 13/06/2008 22:11

at everyone who considers this to be bullying. Seeisly. You can tell none of you had ginger hair at school. I'll show you bullying.

wotulookinat · 13/06/2008 22:14

for once I agree with iCod.
It's not bullying, it's heavy-handed friendliness. Maybe you've been a miserable cow lately and she knows it'll cheer you up.

wurlywoo · 13/06/2008 22:18

Sorry wanted to add my own view, YANBU definately, I have to do this frequently with friends, things are v different when you have babies etc etc or do other things in the evenings and you simply cant be arsed with the effort to go out.

Dont feel guilty at all. In hindsight like one of my best friends, maybe she was trying to help maybe you do need a night out, or at least a few drinks, switch off (if you can) from the daily grind??

Original poster
tiredemma · 14/06/2008 09:18

Decided not to go.

Had a horrendous night at work (residents scrapping etc).

Got home an hour ago and realised that DS2 has a party to go to at 11am for two hours, so I'll have to go along with him.
Also have to finish my assignment by tomorrow night- along with having work again tomorrow morning.
Im tired, feel pissed off and not in any mood to party.

Plenty of time to 'party' once I qualify im sure.

Great to see so many comments though- I was really undecided!!

OP posts:
KarenThirl · 14/06/2008 09:26

I haven't read all of this, sorry.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable at all. If you haven't got the time or energy to go out socialising there's not much you can do about it. A Good Night Out doesn't always make people feel better - I myself rarely go out because the practicalities and aftermath aren't worth the effort (I have ME and my son has AS), there's too much organisation to justify it.

For my ten pennorth, I don't think you're making excuses, rather that you have legitimate reasons why socialising to the extent your friend suggests is out of your limits at the moment. You seem to have bigger priorities and good on you for sticking to them. There'll be plenty of time ahead for big nights out if you still feel you want to, but right now you need to focus on what matters.

A social life is what you make of it anyway. Can't remember the last time I had a night out but it doesn't much bother me, I see real friends at other times, sometimes with kids and sometimes without - you make the best of things and there's no point IMO complaining about what you can't have, it just wastes energy.

Agree your friend sounds a bit juvenile. She should be respecting your life has changed and accept you for what you are and the choices you make. Your life, not hers.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 14/06/2008 09:29

YANBU.

Original poster
tiredemma · 15/06/2008 08:26

I think I was a bit of an arse regarding my best friend.

She phoned last night at about 6.30pm ( I had not spoke to her at all since I received the email)- she said "ignore my email, don't think that I can be arsed to go out and then have everyone back here"

I said that I was so tired and had an assignment to do anyway- plus work today.

So we chatted for a while and left it at that.
About 20 mins later she phoned back and said she re-read her email and realised that it was a bit 'forceful'- and she hadnt meant it to be.
So I get all teary (I am v. tired!!) and talk about how stressed/snowed under I feel.

She told me to take an hour away from my essay and run round to hers (around the corner) to have a coupe of glasses of wine- which I did.

She really is a great friend, I felt really crap about starting this thread about her last night- She is TTC with no joy and will have start IVF later this year- I really should stop moaning about myself and look at the bigger picture.

OP posts:
ScienceTeacher · 15/06/2008 08:31

Go to the pub but not back to her place.

posieflump · 15/06/2008 08:33

ah she sounds a lovely friend, glad you got out for a bit

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