Annoyed work friend didn’t mention they got a promotion?

[Annei]

Going to keep this fairly general as to not include anything too outing potentially.

Context - Applied for a promotion at work, along with several others for a few open positions (around 4).

One of my coworkers, who I would also consider a friend, also applied for a promotion, although a separate role from the two I had applied for. We talked about this several times in casual conversation prior to the applications opening and briefly after we both interviewed before hearing back.

After not hearing back for what seemed like a longer than typical period of time I reached out and mentioned I heard another coworker got the role I applied for, just a rumor but seemed plausible. After some talk about that I asked whether she got the role she applied for as she did not offer this up, which she said she did. I also asked if she knew whether another colleague got the promotion for the other role I had also applied for, and again she confirmed she knew they did as well.

This is when I started to become annoyed that she did not offer up any of this information although we had previously talked extensively about the roles and our thoughts before applying. Along with many other things discussed before I brought up the two mentioned questions as I thought that if she had already heard back she would have mentioned this, as that was what the conversation was about.

I can understand the perspective that bringing up that she received the role when I did not could have been seen as hurtful / bragging. However, I felt that it was more hurtful that she just let me talk about how I had not heard back anything yet (a completely separate issue but one that has lead to me planning on leaving the company for other offers due to this, among other reasons during this process) under the assumption she had not heard anything as well. It felt embarrassing and I’m not sure if I should continue to consider her as a friend anymore after leaving the company.

I was wondering if this is something others would also do in the same situation and if I just personally differ in my reaction to this?

Hopefully this all makes sense but the whole application process was somewhat shocking as the department is under new leadership.

It wasn’t her place to tell you. Management put her in a really unpleasant position by not being upfront. This isn’t on her.

You have also put her in an uncomfortable position.

@Phonicshaskilledmeoff Definitely agree this is managements fault, with an extremely delayed response on their part among other things…..
Although my friend did ask first whether I had heard back or not. I did begin the conversation with what you could consider some office gossip I had overheard which may not be the best thing to discuss. However that is what made the interaction much more frustrating as after I answered that I had not heard back she gave no indication she had until I asked her the same.

No. I can understand why she didn’t. She is a work friend, going forward I would not be sharing information or questioning her on anything that she could not really answer. She could have said but at the same time, you should have waited on management and stopped fishing for info before the official announcement.

I can see why you are annoyed. I would be too but you know what they say- colleagues are always out for themselves because it involves a paycheck. Theres no friends at work.

My guess would be she’d been asked not to say anything before they’ve contacted everyone who applied.

I think that’s the conclusion I’ve come to as well that there’s just no friends at work. It was just a little surprising as I hadn’t expected that from her. Along with not understanding why ask and not tell if she had received the role?

I’m also very confused as to whether those that received the roles were told who else did or not, as I would assume they would have been told, however as said before leadership has been poor.

Conversation essentially went like this:
Me - Did you hear so and so got the promotion? (So and so being a coworker who has no relevant experience to our department and has instead worked in a different department for about the same amount of time as us)
Friend - No I have not! Really that is surprising?

• Again confused here as this is why I assumed she had also not heard back yet

Me - I know right very shocking! (We had previously discussed how I was considering leaving if I did not receive this specific promotion, although there are other reasons, mainly due to other opportunities available)

• Here I assumed the conversation was going to end as that’s all I knew and I assumed her as well

Friend - Have you heard? Me - No I haven’t, which is strange considering how long it’s been (and why I wasn’t sure whether the rumor was true or not of our coworker)

• Then there’s just some more back and forth before I decide to ask:

Me - Have you heard at all (returning the question) Friend - I have, about so and so, hopefully you’ll hear back soon as well.

• At this point I was very surprised and decided I’d just go ahead and ask about our other coworker and when she heard back and that’s how the rest of the conversation goes. I also congratulated her as she’s very qualified and capable for the role as well.

I think I’m just over analyzing this, but the hiring process seems to not have been handled very well by the management.

It hasn’t been handled well but that’s not your friends fault. I wouldn’t be going around telling people I’d got a job if I knew they hadn’t. And it’s not her place to anyway.

It’s not her fault you hadn’t heard anything.

She hasn’t done anything wrong.

No sorry this isn’t your friends fault. You’re angry because perhaps you didn’t get the role - and I’m sorry you didn’t - but it isn’t her place to tell you. Plus I imagine she would have felt a bit uncomfortable to say anything - sees as if you’re looking for a reason to cut the friendship as this isn’t her fault. She might have been asked management not to say anything (we have that policy where I work).

It absolutely is possible to have friends at work, you just need to be a good enough friend to not expect your friend to breach confidentiality, act unprofessionally and discuss topics that could put their new job at risk. If you would expect your friend to do those things then you’re right and YOU can’t have friends at work, but that’s not something everyone has problems with.

It happened at my workplace too. 4 of us with identical job titles used a background image on MS Teams, all identical, that read "Administrator". I then went on annual leave for 2 weeks. On our next MS Teams meeting after my break, one of the admins' background now read "Team Leader". Not long after, a redundancy round was announced, with a new corporate structure showing the team leader role on in, clearly 1 grade up from the rest of us, plus jobs that were earmarked to be axed. Thankfully, none of us immediate team got the chop but the atmosphere was bitter some time due to the rest of us not being informed.

Can you guess if it was public or private sector? Yes you guessed right - it was public sector.

I put YANBU OP.

Exactly this.

@InfoSecInTheCity If asked not to break confidentiality then why ask first if I had heard back?

Before this I would have agreed about having friends at work but now I’m not so sure anymore and if I should be more careful going forwards about who I consider a friend rather than just a colleague.

It’s helpful to see other perspectives on this as well as I felt that the interaction I had did not turn out how I would expect a friend to act. I understand it’s not her place to tell me, and that was never the aim of the conversation in the first place, which is why the turn in conversation left me questioning whether my friend knew more than she lead on.

I never expected her to tell me if it was confidential, as I was also waiting for something official, but assumed it was perfectly acceptable to ask her after she had asked me as well?

i would Have thought the answer to your first question is obvious - she was checking to see if if you’d been told yet. If you had, then she could assume it was ok to discuss her own position. As you said you hadn’t heard, she kept confidentiality.

i think you’re being really unfair on her. She didn’t deliberately try to mislead you. She didn’t gloat. She was keeping a professional relationship while blurring into friendship with you as much as she was able to.

i sympathise how your management have behaved towards you and I’m pleased that you appear to have other offers.

Try not to take this personally against your friend.

She was probably told not to talk about it until all candidates were informed one way or the other.

So I’d say it’s your employer who have fucked up here. They’ve chosen the successful candidates and made offers. They have asked the successful candidates not to tell anyone yet, as they haven’t yet notified the unsuccessful candidates. It’s normal to do it in that order, in case a successful candidate declines an offer or in case any issues come up in the reference checking or other screening processes. (And therefore your friend hasn’t told anyone, as requested.) But your employer hasn’t gone ahead and told the unsuccessful ones that they were unsuccessful.

Don’t blame your friend for this.

I completely agree with this. Your friend was finding out what you did and didn't know, so she could discuss as much as she could without breaching confidentiality. If you had said you had heard, it would have been a very different conversation.

She's done nothing wrong. And you are not just questioning her friendship, but the whole idea of work friends! It's a massive overreaction, and very unfair on your friend.

In my company it would be due to confidentially, would need to follow process and to be officially announced, so perhaps she didn't want to volunteer the information, but wouldn't lie to you when you asked?

I think you’re transferring your disappointment (and maybe embarrassment?) that you didn’t get the job, on to her.

She hasn’t done anything wrong.