DD relationship age gap.

[novablast]

My DD is 24 and she has recently ended up in a ‘relationship’ with a 36 year old.
He has two children to a previous woman. He only sees the kids every other weekend and lives alone where dd plans to move in with him.
AIBU to think they are at complete different stages of life and it won’t work and that it is a red flag he only sees his children two days out of fourteen? Do I have a leg to stand on by bringing this up to DD if she says she’s happy?

This is ridiculous. What is the problem with age gaps between two consenting adults?! And who cares why his relationship with his ex ended? Relationships end. So what?!

I didn't really answer your question above but really it depends on the relationship you are your child have as to whether you can express your reservations. Have they been together long? Have you met him?

Perhaps its just a bit of fun for now
Not every relationship is the start of something long term.

Whatever it really isn't your business.

Concerns around dating a man with children are not the same as concerns around age gaps

And one is far more valid than the other

It’s something she’ll have to figure out for herself. 24 year olds are all completely different. Some are extremely immature and others really have their shit together. If she falls into the latter category, perhaps she enjoys being around him because he matches her maturity level. He only has his kids EOW anyway so she also probably thinks it isn’t something she has to deal with a lot.

How is that co-parenting? Genuine question.

Why is s it a 'relationship', not a relationship?

Hmm I don't usually think much about age gaps. My husband is 15 years older. But it does seem on face value that your DD and partner are at very different stages of life...this could be difficult with there being children involved. But I think as always it's best to leave her to it and let her find out for herself, she likely won't thank you for saying anything.

I agree with you - my ex has the kids every other weekend and it definitely doesn’t feel like a particularly fair split of overall work but it is a common arrangement - in our situation it’s because ex lives too far away to do school drop offs and pick ups, the kids are young so I don’t want them confused about where they’re gonna be going after school and it is a split of their actual free and non-school time…

I wouldn’t think someone having that arrangement is an automatic red flag per se

This would bother me too.
I had an age gap relationship it didn't work and you are right about different stages of life.
Your daughter may come away from it herself once the honeymoon has wore off and she notices the age gap for herself.
Just always be close to her and there is nothing wrong in saying to her " are you sure about this" I don't think you can stop her though just stay close so she doesn't cut you off .

How is every other weekend a red flag? Sounds like a normal way to split time with the parents, if one lives too far away for the kids to be going to school from their house.

I would seriously get her to read the step parent threads on here, which will make her hopefully run for the nearest 24 year old ☺️

Personally I think you're right right to be worried! They ARE at very different stages. If he's someone who won't talk about why his relationship with the kids' mother(s?) failed, then he's very possibly the type to be thinking 'phew, lucky escape'.
He's also likely to be thinking 'look, I've still got it, I've pulled someone 10 years younger'
I've seen it all before, esp the bit where she becomes babysitter while he buggers off to do whatever.
Hope I'm wrong, and hope things work out, but in this case I take a cynical view.

I don’t necessarily think a 12 year age gap is bad in and of itself. If they find the gap is too big they will naturally part. I was dating a 36 year old at 21 but sacked it off as for me - I felt our ages but us not have much in common.

However I cannot understand why a young woman would waste her youth on a man who already has two kids. She can do better than that.

The age gap isn’t necessarily a big deal. There’s a bigger one between me and OH. The kids and all the possible drama/extra responsibilities that come with them, could be.

We all thought my friend was crackers when she got with an older man with kids. She said she genuinely fell for him and they seemed nice together.

They are still together now and it’s bee about 12 years - a lot of people who thought she was silly ate their words because their relationships with people their age ended whilst hers was thriving.

I think I can understand your concerns. Has she told him she wants kids one day? How does he feel about that as he gets closer to his 40’s.

I’d be pretty sad about it. I actually think 12 years is a pretty big age gap - it’s 50% of her life again and twice the amount of time she’s been an adult.

Also at hugely different life stages so I’d be worried about the future - eg does she want children of her own? Will he be able to support two existing children plus more? If she wants children when she’s 30 will he be up for having more aged 42?

I’d also just be a bit sad that shes in the prime of life and thinks her best option is a man in his mid-30s with a failed relationship and two kids.

This is so weird. Why do you think you’d have the right to know this? Her daughter is 24, not 15.

Bloody hell I thought the daughter was going to be 15 or something.

Everyone has a relationship history unless you marry your childhood sweetheart. I agree it's sensible to talk about previous relationships and why they ended but you'll only ever know what they choose to tell you. Very few people are going to say 'actually I'm a controlling twat and I drove them away'. Its something you kind of need to live into - as you get to know them better, you can judge better.

There is a 12.5 year age gap between me and my husband. I was 22 when I met him and he had 3 kids. We are still together 19 years later and have 2 kids of our own. My parents interfered and I’ve never forgiven them for it

What bothers you, that he’s 36 or that he has kids?

I’d be very upset if my dd was in this relationship. I’d be showing her some of the posts on the step parenting boards. Step mum is a rough gig and second families often suffer.

Almost exactly the same for me, although my mum loved him.,🤣
Almost thirty years and we are solid. We had a lot of chats early on about what happens when we are older and the age gap matters most. I always said if that happens we would have been together for decades which is more than most people manage.

I have no regrets

Have to say mine was a great dad, not a Disney dad and didn't treat me like a babysitter. We did of course work together to cover the house and child responsibility, but he has always been there for the children

I know at least 3 couples that have a 17 - 22 year age gap, now these are big!

One coupe just married 35/53, have a 5yo
One couple the F is pushing her husband around in w/c after a stroke since she was 48/68.
One couple married no kids 46/68 (M is fit & healthy for now!).

Nearing 20 years age difference is very noticeable but I think 24/36 is just about okay - still in the same generation at least.

The kids part I wouldn’t be happy with though. It’s not really what anyone wants for their daughter - step kids. It has a high risk of ending badly for her. But, she’ll do what she wants anyway, so you’ll just have to let her, be supportive and be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong.

Talking about her "wasting her life" and being "in her prime" is kind of gross