Defiant Toddler

[CanIJustSitDown]

AIBU? Please note I’m currently 8 months pregnant so probably overthinking and emotional about it.

DD goes to nursery 3x a week and loves it, she’s been in the toddler room since October and turned 2yrs the week before Christmas.
Every pick up this week, her key work has made a point of noting how her attitude has been ‘tricky’/ she’s deviant/ not listening/ doesn’t want to help tidy up/ doesn’t want to nap/ stamping her foot etc. This is just normal toddler behaviour right?
She is independent and we are fully in the ‘I do it’ phase but i wouldn’t say she’s particularly difficult.
Tonight on pick up I felt as though I was being berated over her ‘bad’ behaviour (again probably just over emotional).
She has other teachers in the room who absolutely love her and her ‘character’ so I’m not sure if I’m just reading into the delivery, but i feel like it’s pointed and we should be doing more to address it, again she’s only 2!

Ive been told she plays nicely with her peers.

Im also worried that big changes are on the horizon with the arrival of baby, so I’m worried now that her ‘behaviour’ is going to get worse.

also I don’t want to be making excuses but she’s cutting in her final back teeth which I imagine is enough to make anyone grumpy.

Am I just overthinking?

She's only just two, all sounds very normal to me. Is it the same person complaining each time? What does her key worker say?

They will be well aware of normal behaviour for that age group, it’s definitely more than that or they wouldn’t mention it.

Sounds normal to me.
Does she still need a nap if she's resisting it? Both mine dropped their nap at 18 months.

Agree. The ones like you describe your dd as are definitely the more problematic ones. I have a 3yo btw. They mentioned it to you because it does stand out.

Two year olds being difficult is completely normal. Some are more difficult than others and she may well be at the top end of difficult, but I think you'd know if it was at problematic/ND levels.

It's their job to deal with her behaviour at nursery. Next time they mention this ask what they're doing to address it. Don't let them put it onto you.

Every pick up this week, her key work has made a point of noting how her attitude has been ‘tricky’/ she’s deviant/ not listening/ doesn’t want to help tidy up/ doesn’t want to nap/ stamping her foot etc. This is just normal toddler behaviour right?

Yes all of that is typical behaviour for a two year old! The nursery worker doesn’t seem to understand child development. I’d be rather concerned about her being with my child.

She’s 2, about to have a sibling, it’s all normal . Just try to be as consistent as possible with behaviour and make sure that there’s age appropriate consequences especially being told a clear no when warranted

What twaddle! Two year olds do not need to adhere to any standard of behaviour, because they are @two. Anyone that tries to tell you otherwise is either ill informed or ignorant or both. A school nursery would never trot out such rubbish and they are dealing with children 3+ to nearly 6 years old in some cases. Private nurseries are horrible money making pits at the best of times, and your post really highlights this. I would be telling the staff if they are so untrained in basic infant development then perhaps they should not be operating as it does not actually instill confidence that they are dumping their ill informed statements on parents. If they can't handle how two year old behave find a nursery that can. Once your child is three move them to a school nursery where properly trained staff work and I can assure you, you won't have to deal with comments like that, that make you needlessly worried.

It sounds like typical toddler stuff to me, nursery workers should know what toddlers are like surely!
If she’s fine at home you need to question what’s different at nursery and what are they doing to manage her?
Also about the naps, she might just not need one anymore, in my experience nurseries like toddlers to stick to having naps so it makes life easier for the staff!

Do they ever give positive feedback?

The key worker sounds horrible, it’s a totally normal phase for a 2 year old. Your daughter sounds normal, key worker sounds like she’s read a childcare manual from 1975.

I thought all nurseries said things like “Sammy struggled with their listening ears today” - are they actually saying things like defiant and not listening? That seems weird to me.

Also, if she’s confident being so negative and nasty about your daughter’s normal behaviour with you, just imagine how she probably treats her when you aren’t there. She won’t be a kind and patient carer, that’s for sure. I’d move her to another nursery.

Some practitioners are bitter and enjoy giving unnecessary feedback (and I say that from having worked in a classroom, for many years)

She sounds normal to me.

If it's a private nursery they likely have very little training and may be fairly inexperienced so likely don't have a good understanding of child development.

That all sounds completely normal, especially with a baby on the way (she will pick up that something big is happening even if she doesn't understand it fully) and teething.

2 year olds aren't really being defiant, they are meant to be completely ego centric, impulsive etc. they literally aren't capable of following instructions all the time or being able to regulate emotions. I wouldn't be happy with that sort of language being used and with staff being so negative. It seems like they have unrealistic expectations.

Absolutely normal behaviour for a 2 year old. They need to give the kid a break, she's just finding her feet in the world and becoming a little person, its a process and they all go through their crazy stages!

It's a typical phase to go through yes, hence "terrible twos". I would guess they are pointing it out because it's a recent change in her behaviour and they just want to keep up communication, not necessarily because they think it's a sign that you're doing something wrong or there's something going on. Obviously she's learning and she will get things wrong sometimes so just keep the boundaries/expectations clear.

It's also common for children to feel anxious around the arrival of a new sibling and this can come out in their behaviour.

It all sounds pretty normal for a 2 year old. I’m sort of surprised any of that is particularly noteworthy for someone whose job is in childcare tbh and I’m not sure what you’re meant to do about this behaviour while she is in the care of others. She’s 2, you can’t punish her for it on your watch or tell her off.

While to an extent some defiance and stubbornness might be normal, the fact the key worker has mentioned this to you each day suggests its not normal.
Is this the first time it has been mentioned? As it may be that they are increasingly aware of the new baby arriving soon and acting out because of this.
If it's been going on for longer then maybe you need to speak to the nursery about what they are doing about the behaviour and what you can do to help at home.

You say this has only been brought up this week? As someone who used to work in nursery's, I think the key worker is just letting you know there's been a change in her usual behaviour in nursery. They're probably downplaying the behaviour a bit so as not upset you but want to let you know.

A new baby is on the way so it will effect her behaviour. They know it's normal behaviour and it's nothing they're not used to but they have to let you know when behaviour has changed.

Try not to let it annoy and upset.

Normal

She’s only 2! All sounds normal to me. (Mum of 3)

Sounds like a 2 year old! It’s not defiant behaviour, they are simply learning they can choose for themselves.