DH and financial issues when we argue

[soupbucket]

Had an argument with DH last night, which was over something trivial and seemed to escalate quite quickly and resulted in things being said to each other non related to the actual original issue.

One of the things my DH likes to say to me during an argument is that we are separating our finances going forward, I have no idea why he reverts to this in an argument and I want to call him out on it. It feels like he is removing all my stability when he does this and I really don't like it but I don't really know what to say or what to define it as.

We have a joint account and both our wages go into it and we pay for everything out of it, he earns an extra £1.5k than me a month but I do not earn an insignificant amount either. He actually has told me that he thinks this works really well for us and generally never follows through with these threats after the argument has been resolved.

I actually have no issue just having our own money and paying jointly towards the bills if that's what he wants to but I just don't understand this behaviour and why he does it or what he actually wants.

AIBU to feel like this or is there some underlying issue that I have failed to see?

Its childish and I want to talk to him about it properly but just wanted some works of advice on how to approach it.

Do you have children? Do you do a disproportionate amount of home care activities? If not, honestly I would agree and separate finances. In fact, I'd push it so he packs in this behaviour. What is this attitude? I subsidise you if you defer to my will - fuck that!
But assuming no children, everything else would be 50/50 too - eg your turn to clean the bathrooms this week, your evening to cook...

We have children and I do everything housework/cleaning/washing/ironing/shopping related. I sort all the kids stuff out and make sure they have everything they need. He cooks but I wash the dishes, he cuts the grass during summer and 50/50 puts the bins out. We both work full time.

Why are you doing everything (or the lions share at least)? That doesn't seem fair

Maybe the split of finances should include a cleaner

Once you have both calmed down I would have a blunt conversation that if he threatens this one more time you will end the marriage if he feels financial abuse is the way forward.

So obviously he thinks that he's the one contributing most to the family. That's sad because he only looks at monetary contribution. I would sit him down when you are not having an argument to ask him what this comment is all about ; does he feel resentful to contribute 1,5k more than you? In that case tell him to stuff it but write a list of everything child- house- food- related stuff you do and tell him what he needs to do or use his 1,5 k to hire someone to do it if he wants to play that game. Twat.

He thinks that you should fall into line because he earns more than you. This is common with men. Money = power, etc. It's a worrying trait and you need a serious conversation about this so that he understands how unpaid work contributes to the running of a family home.

I’d ask him, when he is calm, to cost up how much it would cost to outsource all of the unpaid work you do. Eg, daily nanny, daily cleaner, laundry service, household manager etc.

And then be very clear that next time he suggests splitting finances you will take him up on that, but also expect him to pay half of the market rate cost of the unpaid work which you’re doing.

It’s a pre threat to full on separation divorce.
It’s said exactly to destabilize you.
Best thing I did was call his bluff right down to division of assets. Suddenly his plan wasn’t so great.
Remember not 50/50, proportional to your income .

Given your update I revise my response. You both work full time, this is not fair. I personally don't feel he will get it till he he is made to. I'd draw up a rota for the household tasks - school drop off, cleaning etc etc then discuss how you are going to divvy them up. He does not respect the input you provide so why should you go above and beyond? Tell him at the same time you can split the finances too. In fact it will be help you because when he does his fair share you will have more time to dedicate to work and have the same opportunity to increase your salary that he has.
If he absolutely refuses state you don't see why you should do more than 50% so you need to look at which 50% he would like to outsource and pay for (and he needs to organise and manage it). Again, finances need to be separate otherwise you are paying for his share.
Obviously you can make your point and drop it, then each time he brings up splitting finances you can bring up splitting home tasks. But actually, I really would do this, as it really IS NOT fair and you should not be treated like a servant.