Ended emotional affair, trying with my husband but wish I never ended the EA

[Prontehpronto]

We were talking for around 7 months for over an hr each day sometimes more, he would always call me first, and i would think about him all the time, I realised I needed to stop talking to him as what I knew what was an emotional affair would become physical, we would often gaze at each other and when we saw each other on our office days would always be around each other and accidentally touch often, legs under table that sort of thing, my marriage has been strained but my husband is struggling with alcohol problems and leaving his job so needed to stop talking to this man to focus on my husband for the sake of my children and because I feel sorry for him. Miss my EA partner alot, I cut it off my text after ghosting him for 2 days,he said he was surprised but understood, the ending coincided with his new job, my EA partner said we could continue talking but seemed a natural end especailly when the thought of him leaving left me feeling so sad, i knew it wasnt a healthy relationship, wish I never stopped talking to him, especially today when my husband said he felt sad and when I came home he had been drinking. I feel unimaginably sorry for myself, some kind words please, lots of things happened today, my immediate though was I would tell my EA partner, we never spoke about our spouses but just general life stuff, feel like I have lost a best friend, but if we continued talking would it have become physical? that would have ruined both our marriages and lives

Sounds like your marriage is over.

what does that look like for you? practically and financially?

you deserve to be happy and your husband is not making you happy

leave the EA person out of it for now. Just do it for yourself

Financially would be fine would just sell the house and split it, practically i have a 13 and 10 year old, don't want to upheave them so sticking around for them. I feel sorry for my husband and trying to help him and be loving and intimate but it's feels so forced, not sure how long I can cope bit what will my sons think of me, I know ppl say its worse for kids to see their parents unhappy and in a unloving marriage but is that worse then living in 2 households and knowing your parents disliked each other enough to divorce?

Op I think there's a few things here.

You're dealing with a lot and actually your dh isn't in a place in himself to give much to you right now as he needs to be focusing on managing his addiction. So your ap probably became really important to you as a way for you to cope, refill your cup and fill the gaps in the marriage where your dh isn't/ can't step up (at least right now). So you need to fill that some other way by leaning on good friends or counselling or support from a charity working with the loved ones of people struggling with addiction.

Does your dh recognise his problem and is he getting active help with it? I think if he's not addressing it then really you have grounds to take your dc and leave, growing up with a parent with addiction is really difficult. If he is actively doing his best and being accountable then that's different and really that comes down to your personal threshold of what you can sustain in the marriage and supporting him (and op if your threshold is maxed out, that is okay, everyone has a limit somewhere).

You need to let yourself recognise that your ap is the best illusion of someone rather than the full picture- you don't get him on his worst days when he's grumpy/ stressed/ struggling. So you've a rose tinted view of this guy at the moment. And that's an impossible comparison for your dh to win against even despite his issues. Does he have a spouse/ family?

You probably actually need to grieve the ea relationship to an extent.

What is it that you actually want in this? If your dh someone you definitely want to be with short term/ long term? If he can or cannot get his drinking under control? Is he abusive when he drinks? What's the impact of his drinking on your kids?

I think you can be lonely, in and out of relationships. Remember your EA was at work too so always on his best behaviour.. to know me.. come live with me.. I don’t know how to help with your husband but be careful of putting Ea Partner on a pedestal.. there’s something wrong with all of us

I've started therapy, realised the EA prob a wider symptom, my dh is trying but f I'm not around he seems to find his way back to a drink, I get the EA guy was an idealised version cos I only saw the good bots of him, he has a wife and 3 young children and the thoughtf what we had escalating and breaking that up mortified me, we were just generally talking over the course of a year not very often bit them suddenly over the summer it became every day and I don't even know when the switch happened, honesty shocked I've found myself in this situation, didn't know EA were a thing and how much I have been emotionally drained and affected by ending it, the EA guy was happy to carry on and called my 5 times when he realised I was ghosting him

I think as kids divorce does impact you but there's a difference between parents that don't love each other and ones that argue but clearly do still really love each other IMO. I think at your kids ages they will know that you are the former and that knowledge will be apparent the older into the teen years they get! That said, the grass is not always greener and some marriages just go through blips. My Dad had an affair which ended my parents marriage but he deeply regrets it now as an old man and wishes he tried to reconcile.

If you’re feeling each other up under the table at work, is it still an emotional affair?
what is it with mn that when a women does this is all sympathy, but if op posted that her husband was groping his colleague under the desk LTB would be coming from the rafters!

I think it's also important to remember that children who have a parent who struggles with alcoholism are significantly more likely to be more susceptible to alcoholism in later life. Add to that any level of trauma from living with a parent with addiction issues, as trauma links significantly with addiction as well. I think we can really tie ourselves up in knots about 'staying for the children' but actually your marriage is their blueprint for a healthy, happy relationship and in this case how to manage challenges/ be resilient/ navigate alcohol use as well. It's totally possible to seperate and explain that while you loved their dad, he wasn't able to be the parent/ husband you all needed and it was very sad that you had to split in order to provide a calm and happy home for them.

Obviously your children could grow up to drink very responsibly or not at all. But these are considerations and conversations you'll probably need to have somewhere down the line to equip them. And realistically, if your dh did take accountability and step up and recover then who knows how you may feel then. But I think when you have kids, you can only try for so long to help the other parent before you have to step back in order to protect the kids from them (even if they can't see it at the time). It's a hard place to be in.

Think there defo something wrong with me and our EA, he must have known too that is was escalating with me because of our proximity and looks etc, but wanted to continue talking to me so is obviously a shitty husband just like I'm a shitty wife

I think the difference is that op has already ended the affair, is taking accountability and is navigating something really difficult.

Would you prefer a pile on? Should we just kick her when she's down instead? My response to a bloke would be the exact same unless he was still in the affair relationship.

Your marriage is already ruined. Your husband is an alcoholic and you are a carer to him, not a partner or a lover. I was 11 when my mother left my dad. We moved to a completely different country and while it majorly disrupted my routine, to this day I think it was the best day of my life.
Please don't fool yourself by thinking you are staying "for the children". You are staying because it is easier than making a change. That's all. But recognise the impact it is having on your kids to come home to a drunk dad every day and to witness continuous dysfunction their family life is.
It's not about two people disliking each other enough to divorce. It's about two people not loving each other enough to stay married. And one of them not loving his family enough to work on his addiction. What your son's will think of you? Hopefully that you are good loving mother. Why aren't you worrying about what they think of your husband?

I’d have posted this on the relationships board OP, you’ll get a lot of superior people on here telling you how evil you are.

I had an EA a couple of years ago so understand. Mine probably luckily ended because he had to go back to his home country to work. It’s taken me about a year to not think about him daily. Now it’ll be a couple of times a week. I had to have counselling. It’s really hard but you’ve chosen your marriage and so have to move forward with your decision. If you’re still working together, you won’t move on properly and so I suggest finding a new job or asking to transfer if possible.

I truly think most children would rather their parents split than to have to live with an alcoholic.

You don’t force your DC to live with an alcoholic “for them”, that’s ridiculous!

As a PP said, statistically by staying with your H you are increasing your DC’s chances of becoming addicts exponentially. Getting your H into rehab or splitting up would be the best option for the children, and preferably both if he’s going to have any care of them independently.

Do his family know he’s an alcoholic and has relapsed? Has he been to rehab before? Can you stage an intervention and get him the help he needs?

Two issues - one you’re grieving the end of your friendship, and two, your unhappy marriage.

You need to work to sort things out with your husband. Do you really want your kids to grow up with an alcoholic? You say yes not working , what is he doing to get another job? Does he want to stop drinking?

Staying together may not be the best option for the kids, if they’re living with an unemployed, alcoholic father.

Think of your children. They have an alcoholic father, which is enough to seriously damage most children. The last thing they need is a mother who is having an affair.

I understand the temptation. I do. But there has to be a point where enough is enough.

Of course you miss it. Life with an alcoholic partner can be hell on earth and this situation provided you with some joy, comfort and distraction. Alcoholics are not known for making their partners feel loved, safe and happy, so you took it where you could.
I know you think you did 'the right thing' in focusing on your marriage, but a marriage that needs the input of an EA partner as a prop to hold you up, isn't a good one, and unless your husband stops drinking immediately (no sign of that, is there?) the situation that meant you needed the other man remains unchanged.
Personally, I'd seperate from your husband and tell him if he stops drinking you can review the marriage at that point. Because, truly, your presence is going to have far less impact on whether he gets sober than you think, and you're sacrificing yourself for nothing.

Do you dislike him or is your marriage just going through a rough patch? The EA tells you you want more attention and emotional intimacy. Ideally from your DH. You are supporting him through alcohol issues and job loss. But is he supporting you too? Sounds like it is time for some very calm, mutually supportive but very honest discussions about what you both need and want.

Like you, OP, I think splitting up is not necessarily the best option. It can be so distressing for DC. Of course it is better than two parents at each others' throats but too many people on MN seem to think these are the only two available options. Working on your marriage is also an option.

Maybe talk with a therapist about what the EA gave you and how else you can find this in your life. You can get excitement and fulfilment in loads of things that aren;t affair-related. You can get a degree of intimacy from deepening close female friendships. And of course, making an effort to rebuild and improve you rmarriage. But your DH has to be committed to making a huge effort too.

EA guy is a bad guy - he’s cheating but he has young kids. You don’t want him. You need to totally block him - the pain of it will die; it may take ages but one day you’ll realise you aren’t thinking about him as much.

If you need support pay for a counsellor. Vent here. Unload on a friend. But keep that EA closed off.