Baffled by therapy

[BetrayedMandy]

I'm in therapy following an abusive relationship though I found out the extent of the lies and gaslighting afterwards. Lying about where he was and who with. I feel so stupid now. I tried hard to prove I was not a cheater. I was on edge all the time. Arguments and name-calling.

I did some looking around and found out where he was on those occasions and have photographic proof, I'm not going to do anything with that information but it clarified to me that I was not going nuts or in the wrong. All the time he was the one lying.

I discussed it in therapy and she asked why my boundaries are weak and why I am picking at scars. I'm not really, I feel vindicated now and know I'm not a bad person. I was made a scapegoat. She said he's still in my head if I'm doing that. I'm not now but I needed to prove my instincts.

I need to process this but she's trying to get me to draw a line under it. Eventually I will when my anger has dissipated though I need to process it first. I felt like she didn't understand and that she should.

When did the relationship end?

What kind of therapist is she? What kind of therapy is she providing?

Where did you find her? What are her qualifications?

Not every therapist suits every person, and not every therapist is good. It's fine to find another.

I don't think I quite understand your story. However I am shocked to hear that your therapist asked you why your boundaries are so weak - unless of course you had already said that.

I was also in an abusive relationship. It took 2.5 years and lots of therapy to feel like the abuse was in my past rather than in my present.

For me, as an autistic person, I found comfort in reading things in old chats that proved I was right and it was gaslighting. Some folks might end up paralysed and triggering themselves, ending up stuck in fight or flight doing this - that group are better not doing this. For me I found comfort in looking at it with fresh eyes and seeing the proof. I still have all the chats archived in case I’m ever doubting a thing, I have been known to search them and look for it. I was abused by a female partner who did attack via text a lot so it was all there in B&W once I was out.

Even if you’re not autistic OP the autistic survival guide to therapy is a good look at various types of therapy and why it may not work for some people.

She asked you why

that’s not necessarily the judgement you’ve assumed it to be

therapy isn’t judgemental, it’s exploratory.

don’t forget your therapist couldn’t care less if your partner cheated or not. She’s not there for that- she’s there to help you learn to help yourself.

and she’s right- your post screams you’re not over it. And that’s ok- that’s fine in fact- but you therapist can help you truly get over it.

I'm over him, but not over the gaslighting.

I had psychodynamic therapy which was all about the past which I found very helpful. Maybe look into that?

I don't think that way of saying it sounds non judgemental. I would think about changing to someone else.

I went through an intense period of reading about all sorts of info around narcissistic personality disorder and gaslighting and codependency and coercive control. It was important to me to really understand what had happened to me.

My counsellor really helped me to work through it. I was in such a state I didn't even know who I was at the lowest point.

I don't keep reading all that stuff now. I think it depends how long ago it was and how far along you are in healing as to weather it could be 'picking at scars'. But I don't think that language sounds great.

I went on a group course run by my local Women's Aid. It was specifically designed to pick apart abuse and the fall out it causes. It really helped me understand what had happened and why. It helped me with boundaries and ultimately, to leaving it all behind and rebuilding.

It was actually good to have the group setting as it made me realise it wasn't me after all, how shockingly common abusive behaviour is, and that it can happen to anyone irrespective of background or situation.

If you don't feel your counsellor is helping @BetrayedMandy it's OK to move on.

Therapists will ask challenging questions. Therapy needs to be challenging to help us move forward. But I think some of them become so accustomed to the process they lose sight of it being new to their client. Instead of phrasing questions so that it is clear their intention is to provoke thought, perhaps by leading in with "have you thought about why..." or anything like that, they sometimes revert to their own "short hand" which can sound judgmental.

Perhaps that means they have become jaded and no longer a good therapist and it's time to find someone else. But starting again with someone new can be problematic in itself. I imagine the thought of explaining all over again the hurtful things that brought a person to therapy would be quite off-putting.

There is nothing wrong with asking a therapist to clarify what they mean by a question. Although I know it might feel difficult to question them at all, especially in the moment when you are already feeling challenged by the conversation you are having. But doing so will benefit you in that you will understand exactly what you are being asked. It might also make the therapist realise the way they are phrasing questions is unhelpful.

It might help you to think of a few phrases / questions to use when you need clarification so you are prepared. Then rather than letting it slide or getting flustered and defensive (not saying you are, but I would be) you might pause and have a way of asking what they mean that you are comfortable with.

If they show any displeasure at being asked to clarify, find someone new.

One of the things he did was be horrible and then when I'd processed it and tried to talk about what happened he said I was ruining everything.

Sometimes therapists have to challenge us, but it’s a balance between you feeling challenged on one hand and you feeling comfortable on the other.

Sounds like maybe this therapist struck the balance wrong.

BUT if we just whinge to them and change nothing about our thoughts or behaviour then we actually won’t get better.

You can feel free to tell your therapist how the session made you feel and your thoughts around it.

I think that definitely counts as showing displeasure at being asked to clarify what he had said previously. Time to find a new counsellor, I think. Most will offer a free half hour chat to see if they will be a good fit for you. If you do decide to find someone new, don't see that half hour as solely explaining what you need help with; see it also as interviewing them. Although counselling is intensely personal so different in that respect to other services we pay for, we are still essentially paying them to do a job for us. Ask them how they phrase thought provoking questions, how they respond if a client questions them. Ask them how you can expect the process to actually play out in terms of what they will be contributing and what they expect from you.

From what you have said, this guy seems to expect his job to be linear - he tells a client what steps they need to take for the process to be successful and expects them to adhere to that without fail. But humans' inner emotional world isn't linear. Sometimes we don't even know why we find the advice given difficult to follow and that is when a good counsellor will dig deeper to help their client and also do their job well.

OP is talking about her ex there. The counsellor is female.

You have completely misunderstood the OP’s post.