I don’t know if I’ve been the issue or I’ve been unlucky with men or made bad choices… or a mix of all that. But then again I know people who have happily settled down with someone despite having issues and problems. I guess what i mean by that is I don’t think I’m particularly different to anyone else and I can’t really work out where I’ve gone wrong.
Anyway, here I am with a few relationships and lots of dates behind me, single parent to a 5 year old and been single since my child was 1.
I always hoped to have the marriage and the family and the home… obviously I have my wonderful child and I am lucky to have my own home. But I’ve never had the marriage. Never found the right person.
I used to still hope for it, still imagine meeting someone and have a genuine feeling of excitement about the prospect that I might meet someone. I had some hope and idea that there was a future there with someone one day. But now.. after the last few years… that feeling has just totally gone. I do want all that but I don’t feel the same about it, I have almost accepted that it’s a life I won’t have now. I know a relationship isn’t everything and I am th first to know there’s more to life and lots of other things to celebrate and enjoy. But I guess it just feels a bit like im living a life that I never ever thought would be me. I really enjoy relationships, I put my heart in. It’s great having dc to channel that love to but of course I am aware dc will rightly have their own life one day.
It’s not so much that I feel I’m 40 and that’s it. It’s that the feeling has gone. I just feel so utterly lacking in faith in men in a way I never did before. Not sure what I’m asking really. I suppose I’d love the hope to return. Maybe to know that it could still happen even though I can’t possibly see how anymore.