Feel unwanted

[bunnny]

My daughter makes me feel really unwanted. She only contacts me wants to babysit. Today she has really upset me. My mum her grandmother is visiting this week this only happen about every 3 weeks so I call round with a cake for a couple of hours. Today after after my grandson for the day while she is at work all day for 12 hrs before leaving she told me I didn’t need to call round if I didn’t want to. I feel really hurt and rejected by this. My husband says I am upsetting myself. But I never go round other wise and am never invited.

Sorry you are feeling upset. My mum does a lot for me too but she would understand that after 12 hours at work I don’t capacity for a 2 hour visit with cake, not with anyone. Evening s are mad doing all the stuff it takes to be a parent and run a home and often catching up on work too. It’s exhausting- I don’t really do anything for me in the evening, although I may get to listen to a podcast when doing washing up! Sounds like you provide a lot of support which I’m sure is really appreciated - I hope you do get some quality time with your daughter occasionally.

I expect your daughter was exhausted after a 12 hour shift and just wants to flop out at home without having to host anyone and make conversation. It's hard working and having small children so I'd cut her some slack. You're her mother, it's not her job to make you feel 'wanted'.

I am so conscious of this with my mil and was same with my late mum. I always make sure I balance time asking for help with time that is fun or where I’m in some way treating them (eg they come round for Sunday lunch and play with dgc or chat to me while I cook for us all).

Your dd is selfish - she could easily consider your feelings and that you might feel used, the fact she simply takes your time for granted and doesn’t think about you.

What would you like to happen? Maybe a gentle word to let your dd know you feel like you’re only wanted as free childcare might elicit a recognition of poor attitude and a change of behaviour.

Isn’t she just exhausted after a long shift?

When you have chance, have a chat with her. Maybe its juts a miscommunication. It's hard because you probably don't want to invite yourself over but equally she might think you don't want to go over? Just talk to her. It's probably not how you're thinking it is and maybe the same for her! It'll save years of issues.

Her gran visits every 3 weeks and every time you go round too? Maybe she just wants to see her gran without you sometimes?

No point winding yourself up. If you want to see her more then talk to her.

It's awful she only ever contacts you to babysit. I get working is hard, but why can't she take you out one of the weekend days (if she literally has no days off, that is different, some people work several jobs I know)? I took family out for lunch wherever the family was going (park, zoo, whatever) and would buy a lunch of coffee as a little thank you for babysitting, and to be clear I valued parent/in law as people to enjoy their relationship with me, my partner and kids, not just as an unpaid nanny.
Other people are saying she might be tired after a shift, fine, but it's your 'only ever contacts me to babysit' line that is an issue,