Is the stepson BU? Or me?

[Beatriz85]

Long story short, my DH has a son (26yo) who he still helps out financially. The DSs works FT, is since (ish), but in my opinion is financially irresponsible. We now know he "previously" had gotten into gambling, he told my DH he has now quit but I have doubts. DH gives him £300 each month to help out, but also Ss calls asking for more if he gets unexpected bill (although thats rare).
I suspect he still gambles, and cannot fathom how a young man his age still needs bank of dad (and maybe mum - who knows). AIBU? I had completely different upbringing so not sure if this is normal or not. DH pussyfoots around him and doesn't seem to dare ask him questions around his lifestyle

If he's paying for his kid with his money then it's his choice. Unless he asks for your opinion or you are also financing this extra top up?

Whatever your private feelings about your stepson’s lifestyle and shortcomings, you would be unreasonable to interfere. It’s up to your DH to decide whether or not to support his child. Lots of young people still get financial help from their parents. If he’s bankrupting your family and not contributing adequately to any shared children, then you can object to that - but otherwise I’d keep your beak out if I were you.

It's hard to disagree with you. Utterly ridiculous that he's funding his son and totally shameful of the son to be taking his dad's money at 26. But, unless the money is coming from you or impacting any shared children, it's arguably none of your business really. That said, I'd have no respect for someone who was bankrolling their child at the age of 26 - I'd be questioning if he was right for me.

I get where you're coming from OP but there are Mumsnetters double his age whose hands are in the wallets/purses of their parents and inlaws.

Some people will take if it's on offer.

Thanks for the replies all.
I understand that is not my place to say anything, and the lad has 2 parents who are in a position to say something. Im not sure what I'm most uncomfortable about: that his and his dad's money is wasted on gambling? That the son is not prepared for real life? When is he going to "man up" and behaving like an adult? He has become too old to parent, let alone step parent. Dynamics not healthy either way.
I detest gambling (and the companies that provide gambing), I know couple of men whose lives have been destroyed by the addiction to betting, and perhaps i feel that stepson parents are enabling him by not stepping in. I mean, what are his future prospects if he continues this way?

but, this situation doesn't affect me or my finances directly, and you are right, I need to keep out of it.

His kid, his choice. As long as it’s not your money being used it’s up to his parents how they parent.

Two wrongs don't make a right 🙂
I know a family where the youngest daughter (maybe 40 - 45 at the time) was being kept by her mother because she was the favourite, I remember thinking it was awful as the daughter was also quite disrespectful to her mother despite being financially supported so much. Perhaps this experience is also clouding my understanding

Of course he shouldn't need it, but if his father wants to give it, that's up to him.

Some parents of adult DC see giving regularly like this as a way to manage inheritance tax - there's no tax on gifts given from income, whereas saving it up and giving it as a lump sum later may incur tax. One friend takes the view that anyhting he doesn't spend will end up with DC anyway, so he may as well have it now.

Regardless, I see this a lot in middled aged divorced fathers of adult children. I'm of an age where I know a few of them. Be it financially or practically, they can't say no to any requests for help from DC. They seem to feel an obligation in a way that men who stayed on the family home don't.

I don't think it's normal/usual for people to be giving an allowance to an adult in their mid-20s and clearly, your husband is fuelling his son's gambling addiction.

However, this is between your husband and his son, and while you can talk to your husband about your concerns, you can't intervene.

Thanks, I'm not even sure I can ir want to talk about it. My DH thinks gambling stopped a year ago, but when it comes to his eldest he buries head in the sand. I asked DH before gambling came to light where his DS was spending all his earnings if he still needed top ups, and DH said oh its cost of living he doesn't earn much (as it turned out his earnings were quite respectable but he was wasting it all). So I suppose I don't want to bring it up again and will need to leave them to it.

My DH thinks gambling stopped a year ago, but when it comes to his eldest he buries head in the sand.

His eldest? So there's more than one. Does he treat them all equally? Or is the money indicative of a wider difference?

Like you OP I utterly detest gambling, having lived for years with a gambler. It is so destructive.

Obviously you are in a difficult position because it is ultimately up to your Dh what he does with the money.

But he is arguing that his DS needs money becuase of the COL, if I were being asked for money from someone with apossible gambling problem and they said they needed help with living expenses, the help I would offer would be having a food shop delivered to them a couple of time a month and topping up their car with petrol. etc. i.e practical help that you know is being used for necessities. Would your Dh be open to that kind of suggestion ? (he must deep down suspect his son is gambling again)

We have had similar so I can fully empathise @Beatriz85.

My DP is much more willing to support his DC’s than I am. It shows a differing approach to money, which concerns me.
It reflects our upbringing too so some major differences. I want my DC’s to have to work hard, to value money and to gain self respect in their own achievements.
He gives money, bails out his adult DC’s and fills gaps.
He is happy to do that. I don’t want to be involved or for my adult DC’s to be accountable to me.

I don’t want to change my stance, he doesn’t want to change his.

This was much more unclear when we were first together and led to much bad feeling, my DC’s not supported financially, when his were. Some knock on to family relationships when we were helping with an unpaid mortgage (DSS and DSDIL) whilst seeing holidays abroad and private number plates for cars. His DC’s feeling I was ‘stopping their money stream, whilst I was unhappy that whilst he lived with me, I was paying all of the expenses on the house I own, but we share.

None of the choices we make are wrong, using our own money but it has led to serious conversations between us and an agreement that the finances, in our relationship are kept separate, he pays his way so that he isn’t indebted to me, our wills reflecting our views and lives.

It has been fraught and not something I’d considered when we met with two sets of DC’s.

ETA that one of his adult DC’s also had an addiction and counselling we received focussed on not enabling. So complex.