Is this love bombing or am I self sabotaging?

[Squishymama]

I’ve been divorced a couple of years, EXHB who I was with for almost 20 years was abusive in every way other than physically, and tbh because of that I second guess myself a lot because people in my life question whether it was actually abuse or turned a blind eye to it at the time because it wasn’t physical. I left with the help of a DV charity and a case worker, but yeah.

Anyway, about a year ago I started seeing someone, he is an ex-colleague and my line of work is one where I keep in touch/check in/network with people so I’ve known him about 10 years and saw him as a friend I already knew so when we got closer and became a couple it didn’t feel “scary” because he wasn’t a stranger.

Now onto my AIBU, he’s so sweet and kind, knows roughly what went on in my marriage and has been so supportive and patient. He makes me laugh and makes me smile, turns me on and does little things which makes me think he genuinely cares. He’s considerate and affectionate and… I don’t know how to describe it; it’s like we’ve taken things slowly and I’m expecting him to hurt me and be an a**hole less and less.

The other day he seemed off and I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing and about ten minutes later I asked again (he just seemed off and quiet and looked sad) and then he snapped at me, something about to just leave him and stop going on. It’s honestly shook me, I spent the rest of the day feeling tense and like I couldn’t properly look at him, he did apologise later and say he was just stressed about work and he was sorry he snapped but I couldn’t relax. Now I’m overthinking in overdrive. Is he showing his true colours or was he just having a bad day and I’m being silly? Is all the nice, sweet stuff him love bombing me? I’m so confused because I feel so tense and anxious the last couple of days but then how unreasonable (and hypocritical) am I being to expect him to never be in a bad mood or be stroppy? All couples have their moments but that’s what my EXHB said when I tried to leave him.

Only time will tell

I don't necessarily think the nice stuff was him love bombing. However, he needs to communicate better. Why couldn't he just say he'd had a difficult day when you asked him what's wrong? Yes, we're all allowed to have off days, but that doesn't mean you get to be moody with your partner/bf/gf. I'd have a conversation with him when he's calm and not stressed. Explain how he made you feel and see if anything improves. If he continues to have moody episodes then maybe he's not for you.

On the flip side, if he's quiet in future, don't keep asking "what's wrong". Give him space and take yourself off and do something for yourself. If he's visiting you (assume you don't live together) then say to him "you seem quiet and as though you need space, maybe you should go back to yours because I find the silence awkward to be around".

I think it’s quite possible you annoyed him by pestering him. He shouldn’t have snapped but I can’t see why he would if he’d already answered and you kept repeating.

I think I’m still trying to navigate things, I agree I probably pestered him. But if you’ve not been in a DA situation I feel like it’s hard to explain the “playing dead” because somethings obviously wrong and they insist there isn’t and then explode when you get back home (well, my home, PP is right and we don’t live together), so you’re trying to fawn and smooth things over when you don’t know what you’ve done wrong. It’s brought a lot back tbh but I don’t want to say that because I don’t want him to think I’m saying he’s the same.

How many dates have you had?

Couldn’t tell you exactly, been seeing each other a year, been on dates, days out etc. over the winter we’ve been more “share a bottle of wine and a takeaway”. Is that what you’re asking?

ETA: Spelling

You've been with him for a year and based off of the experiences of one day you are questioning his motivations? You asked twice in the space of ten minutes if he was ok - you need to know when to leave people alone a bit. He snapped and apologised. It's really unfair for him to bear the burden of you potentially always thinking he is going to turn. As you said, it is unreasonable and hypocritical to expect someone never to be in a bad mood. I'm sure you are at times too. Maybe a bit of a reality check is needed?

I wpuld snap too if somome keeps on pestering me

Exactly why I asked here, thank you 🙏

As I said earlier I often second guess myself and doubt my judgement. I was living with my EXHB and engaged before I started to think “I’m not sure this is ok actually” and then I still stayed YEARS. I suddenly worried I’d been ignoring red flags but I don’t think there are any, really.

Thanks for taking it on the chin and in the way I intended. I am not being unkind in the slightest, but honestly I think - from what you have said - that you are overreacting. I totally get that previous circumstances can influence our future actions but it's really important that we're alert to that potential and it sounds as if you are. I wish you many happy years together - no red flags that I can see.

He's human OP and I don't think one instance of being a bit snappy is necessarily a red flag. None of us are sweetness and light all the time! Given your past experience, it's no wonder you felt on edge. I would just wait and see - if his behaviour does start to change then you'll know it's time to move on.

It does seem like you are probably overreacting based on your past experience. Probably this will happen again, so it might be worth you going to talk to a therapist if you can, to help you process and understand how your past abusive relationship is affecting you now (and prevent it impacting new relationships).

So sorry you were in an abusive situation and well done for your strength in escaping

If this is the first mood he’s had in a year, give him the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is allowed to snap on an off day and, until it becomes a trend, it’s not something to worry about in my opinion!

100% this.

OP have you had therapy after your abusive relationship? To ge ready to move on and into a new relationship you need to make sure you’re healed and not carrying too much emotional baggage because that’s not fair on your new partner.

One snap in a year isn’t an issue at all but maybe look at having a conversation about how you both deal with stressful situations better.

I did have a couple of sessions with a trauma informed therapist. It was the only thing I found useful after trying NHS talking therapies (twice) and the therapy provided by woman’s aid.

I hate to say it but NHS is either not accessible for me with my issues or I didn’t say the right things. And unfortunately it cost £80 a session private and I couldn’t afford it any longer.

You very likely have CPTSD and may well be hypervigilant as well. If your partner is otherwise as positive as you say, let him have one bad moment, but check in with yourself regularly. see if you can sit with yourself and notice how your body’s feeling. Emotions have to be felt to be processed, but in CPTSD you may not feel your body because it’s too difficult, so you might need to actually take time to sit quietly and just notice your own experience. Anyway, notice how it feels in your body to be in the relationship. Try to notice when you are walking on eggshells or reverting to other behaviours and sensations that were a feature of your marriage. Then you can assess.

And don’t rush things. You are allowed to be slow and gentle, to keep your own space and time for yourself. Just in case you felt otherwise!