To get annoyed that he never gets up with the baby..

[LilacPomPom]

Ok, before anyone says “red flag, leave him” - I’m not going to… just want some opinions.

DS is 20 months old. Usually sleeps relatively well but over the last two months, the sleep has regressed. Normal, yes… irritating, yes.

My partner does not get up for him aside from on a Wednesday and the occasional Saturday (if he wakes at all) whilst I’m working a night shift because he simply has no choice.

I work a long day (12.5 hours) on a Tuesday, too. I’m sat writing this, full of cold and feeling rubbish, whilst I’m downstairs with our DS at 4am because he’s woken up and refusing to sleep whilst my partner is fast asleep (he woke up when the initial crying started and refused to move). Partner also works, from home, and is quite flexible with hours. Today, he has to wake up purely to take DS to Nursery and then has told me he often goes back to bed when he’s dropped him off. He works late but that’s his own fault (he chooses to stay up late).

I have this long battle with him and just feel very annoyed all the time. Plus, I’m exhausted.

AIBU to get so frustrated that he just doesn’t get up? I know I’m the default parent but come on, this is every night I’m at the house.

You need to sit down with him for a proper chat. Tell him you are both parents so why do the early mornings default to you? So many men do this, because women let them. I count myself in this, and now 20yrs on, I can’t believe why I just did it and didn’t tell my ex he had to do his share (well I know why I didn’t as he would stonewall me for weeks if I said something he didn’t like, partly why I left him). Sometimes he would get up on a weekend, but only when he was feeling like getting up anyway. I’d keep calm, don’t approach it like an argument but ask him why he feels this is your job to get up.

Tell him you’re doing a rota and he will be taking his share of morning wake ups from now on. Honestly, with 20yrs wisdom, I can’t believe I just let my ex get away with it. It’s not just a mother’s job to get up with kids in the night and early mornings.

Yeh that’s shit. Can you speak to him tomorrow and tell him this is not okay and formalise taking a turn each? It’s shit but he maybe hasn’t realised

He believes he has his own routine. Usually, DS sleeps until 8:00-8:30. I take DS downstairs and play with him, breakfast etc. During this time, my partner will stay in bed before getting up, showering & then strolls down 1-2 hours later to walk the dog before heading back upstairs to go to work.

Well we all had our own routine before children. But when they come along, things change. He seems to be just continuing as before. Great baby sleeps until 8, but even then, why does he get to stay in bed another hour or two and you don’t? I’d be asking him these questions. If you don’t put a stop to it now the resentment will continue to grow.

Two things.
Don’t let it turn in to an argument. So start with that message. That you don’t want to argue but want him to listen. Then tell him how you feel. That working nights in a mix of shifts is horrendously tiring and you need more support.
Have a plan ready to present to him. The days when you need to know he is on early waking duty. Given your shift pattern this should be at least 50% of nights. Wear earplugs on those nights.

Sympathies. I had three under three and remember those feelings when I realised my day was starting at 04:00 again. I also worked mixed shifts but ex H did mostly early shifts so was gone by 5AM.

One day you will be dragging a teenager out of bed but you need his support right now.

I would ask why he feels his sleep is more important than yours. Why is it ok for only you to be tired.