To ask do a lot of bullied children then become bullies or is this a rumour

[Vibted7777]

I’ve heard it a lot

Completely disagree with this.

Bullies know exactly what try what they are doing and many do not come from difficult backgrounds.

Very true

I mentored a teen girl for about a year who came from a home where her primary caregiver was absent intermittently the first 2 years of her life. While her family life improved from 2-16, she struggled with healthy attachments and complained of bullying at school and she didn’t have any real friends. Repeat when moved to a different school. When we looked into it, it was more her own behaviors turning off would-be friends rather than actual bullying. As an adult, she has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. She still struggles to maintain friendships or romantic relationships with peers and has intense dependent relationships with adult authority figures like teachers, therapists, bosses, trainers, etc. I had to put boundaries in place because she expected me to treat her like she was the most important person in my life. She lashed out at my other mentees when I’d give them any attention, yet didn’t lash out at me.

when talking with her peers at school and her foster family, she would act in rude, disrespectful, manipulative and “mean girl” ways with her peers and foster siblings, but not foster parents. These same encounters would be described to me as “kids bullying her.” Some kids who believed at first she was their friend, later described her as toxic and mean when they would do natural things like stop and chat to another student. One student claimed my mentee was the bully.

I was privy to some reports from her therapist who seemed to believe she was severely bullied, so not sure if therapy was terribly helpful.

I believe that reports of bullying and who commits it are complicated.

My DSis, would come to me in tears when she had lashed out at an innocent victim at work, in a shop or even on public transport. You would say she knew or knows exactly what she is doing. Maybe she does, but she does not set out and plan to do it. No excuse! She was bullied relentlessly at school. We went to different schools. I had a wonderful time at school. It has impacted all of her life. She is a very angry woman. She has had therapy. Bit in answer to the thread question, she is the bullied that went I onto bully. It is a very complex situation.

I think the idea of bullies bullying because they themselves have been bullied is true. But it is likely to be early childhood bullying at home. From a parent, most likely. Or grandparent or sibling. Someone close to them - and maybe everyone at home. Living in a dysfunctional household is a terrible but not that uncommon thing. So children who are experiencing manipulative or abusive behaviour in their home and family life mirror this behaviour in other settings. It is how they have been shown to manage situations and perhaps they are also in some kind of fight or flight response.

I don’t think it comes from a child with a happy homelife being picked on by a child at school and then they themselves becoming a bully. It’s deeper than that. Bullying shouldn’t be confused with children having falling outs and exploring socially acceptable behaviour. Not everyone is their kindest all the time. It’s deeper and bigger than that.

Personally I can’t stand people who take out their issues and bad temper on innocent people.

I hope your sister is able to stop.

I do have a hell of a lot of sympathy for what she went through as a kid though.

Neither can I, she is a year older than me and it is as a result of being her victim and seeing her bully that I am the kind, caring person I am. I remember promising myself that I would never be like her and I told her that. It really is complex, I say again. A bit mad!

I think the idea is more bullies are like that because they have been bullied rather than all people who get bullied become bullies.

And I think when people say that they’re talking about home life, which is obviously a major factor in most of our behaviour.