Is it unreasonable to expect my older teen to be “thoughtful”

[badboss2020]

DD is 19 this year. She’s currently at college VERY part time. I work full time.
Im sick of coming home from work and having to spend 20 minutes just doing the basic housework. Dishes shoved by the dishwasher rather than being loaded. Washing by the washing machine. Bathroom with all toothpaste/toothbrushes out and empty loo rolls just left. Full bins overloaded instead of being taken out etc etc etc. nothing major, just basic day to day.

I get that it’s not severe behaviour but it feels so thoughtless? She just assumes I’ll do it. I’ve dared to pull her up on it and she’s now sulking because she “thought I’d be pleased that she has cleaned her room”.
I love her to bits but I feel really hurt that she just doesn’t think to do some basic bits to make my evening better.

Of course not. Why is she only attending very part-time? Does she work? Pay rent? Contribute at all?

Teens don't always see all the little bits that need doing. Have an open discussion about exactly what chores you want her to do, and how often. It's horrible that you feel invisible picking up the load, but it's not too late to teach her.

Definitely not unreasonable. Surely it’s part of respecting each other. She needs to realise she shares responsibility for the upkeep of your home. A really important lesson for her to learn for future relationships.

It’s not unreasonable. Maybe instil some house rules around these things. I think it’s vested to start these routes as soon as they are able to do it. I’ve got my 9 and 10 year old clearing their plates to the dishwasher and helping u load it etc. if I find a dirty plate or item of clothing I will call them to sort it so they generally remember. Now if I could get the 9yo to actually pee in the toilet not all down the side….

I would have thought OP that when she was younger she shoukd have been encouraged to help with household chores.
Certainly now she is an adult she should realise how unfair it is to expect you to shoulder all the routine housework. You aren't her servant.

I think you are a little optimistic that she will be that thoughtful however I would agree some things that she is to do eg dishes in dishwasher every time, cook the evening meal 2 nights per week.

It's not unreasonable to expect anyone to be thoughtful.

She assumes you will do it, because you do.

I mean that very kindly as I would also do it. You need to be very clear about your expectations of her - that you expect her to clear up after herself when you are at work and cook on Fridays and Tuesdays. And don't jump in if she doesn't do those things.

No, YANBU.
If I was your lucky daughter, I would be welcoming you with sterile clean apartment, food made and a bath run. And I'd be happy to be of service. 😁
(Brought up in another country, ages ago).

Have you taught her to do these things? Asked her? Teenagers are quite selfish. And I think humans are innately selfish, honestly.

I remember when I was a teenager at college, my mum got upset one day because I hadn't opened the curtains when I'd come down. I hadn't fed the cats and put fresh water down. It hadn't even registered with me that these were daily tasks. I don't think I even noticed if the curtains downstairs were open or not. I was in my own little world.

Now I have my own cats to feed, to put fresh water down, bargain with myself if I'll have my coffee first or scoop litter trays first.

At 19 she is on the verge of adulthood and no doubt expects to be treated as one with all the freedoms that brings.
However it also brings responsibilities.
Consider that she should be treated and behave increasingly like a flatmate.. sharing communal spaces means cleaning said spaces, does her own laundry, bed linen etc. taking a turn at cooking, shopping for ingredients etc.
Part time college means part time job unless there is a very good mitigating reason. And a modest financial contribution means she really is a grown-up!
Time for tough love.

If she has never done this before why would you assume she would wake up one day and start doing it? sure we can all go she is not a child but children can do jobs so should have been given jobs as they grew and unless they suddenly stop they would continue doing them at 19 not just ''well I just want things done by magic''

Growing up, have you expected her to put things in the dishwasher / wiped round the sink / emptied the bins / cook meals on a regular basis ?

If not, then she isn't going to suddenly notice these things without you pointing them out.

From your post
Im sick of coming home from work and having to spend 20 minutes just doing the basic housework.......... She just assumes I’ll do it.

Well, it seems she is assuming right.

I don't think I'd do any housework if I knew someone was coming to do it every day.
You need to set some rules or rotas and allocate tasks around the house.

But it would also help your case if you do^ notice when she has done something. A "your room looks nice, did you get all that done today?" is much more motivating to most people to do something tomorrow than that not being noticed, but the only interaction being "Why haven't you....."