I just can't get it right can I?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

40 years old, no children - last relationship was a short one with someone who had been an acquaintance for many years... part of the reason it ended was because we knew each other already and didn't really make much of an effort- most of the time was just spent at mine and I'd cook and watch TV and have an early night - we started to get on each other's nerves as it just felt so mundane so quickly.

I've now been chatting for a while to someone I've known since school, not close friends for years but we know each other's families and friends etc. (small town syndrome!). Also other reasons I've previously written about as to why I wasn't sure about going there. Had a coffee at mine Friday, drinks at mine Saturday and he quickly called round yesterday. (we kissed a couple of times but that's all)

He's now wanting to know when we can see me again - fair enough but I'm really busy this week and was only free tomorrow or Sunday. Tomorrow he's meant to be at football but has now decided to cancel so he can see me - despite me saying I don't want him disrupting his normal life for me and I can wait! (I also have ASD and need a fair bit of my own space especially with a stressful job). He has said we will go out on a proper date which is what I wanted but it all feels a bit quick.

I've been burned before more than once when jumping straight into a relationship but I feel like me pushing back a bit is going the wrong way about it and I'm pushing him away instead! I just can't seem to get my point across but I think it might be me! I do struggle with being assertive in general so maybe it's that but it all just feels a bit much!

What do you want?
Tell him/talk to him.

Hang on, you’ve said what you wanted is a bit more effort and not just dates in your house and now you’re upset he’s organised a nice date?

And he asked when you were free and you told him when you were free and you’re annoyed he’s picked a day you said you were free to see you?

I would say in future communicate clearly - tell him you don’t feel comfortable doing a proper date if you aren’t ready but suggest a more casual alternative (but not in the house to avoid old patterns repeating). And in future if you want time to yourself in the week, tell him you’re busy. You don’t have to be out or with other to be busy!

I knew he was busy tomorrow night which is why I said I was technically free - although I could go to a gym class if I wanted to. What I didn't want him to do is cancel his regular plans just to see me, as I don't plan on reciprocating!

If you feel like this already, it doesn’t bode well. Whatever happened to the excitement of a new relationship? You sound like you can’t really be bothered with him.

I think you need to be clear with what you’re wanting from a potential partner.
He’s not asking you to change any plans but he seems to like you and wants to spend time with you. That’s normal at that start of dating. If he wants to change plans to go on a proper date then let him. He’s not moaning about it and seems keen.

If it’s too much for you then cancel and try reschedule for another time.
You need to decide what you want though, if you don’t want to see him then don’t play games and make out you’re free the nights he’s actually busy.

You don’t have to cancel any of your own plans simply because he’s decided that he’d rather go on a date with you than to football - just don’t offer up your non-free days for availability and equally, don’t give him a day that you’re free on and then feel aggrieved if he suggests plans! If you don’t want to meet this week, just say “sorry, misread my diary, I’m actually not free after all - how about [days you are free and actually want to meet] instead?”

Do you actually want a relationship, or is it just something you feel you “should” try to do? Do you actually want to pursue a relationship with this man or is he just the best / only offer you’ve had in a while?

Sounds like you can’t be bothered tbh ! Let him go .

Maybe invite him to the gym class?

It all sounds like a lot of fuss and miscommunication regarding the arrangement of what is essentially your first date?

If you don't want to him to cancel something or you don't want to see him you just say you're not free.

But if things are moving too quickly you could say how you want to be cautious and not rush into things as that's been an issue in the past.

Otherwise just keep things chill. If things feel too anxiety inducing it probably means you're not really well enough suited.

So reading your other threads: this is the man who you used to go to school with, whose brother you dated previously, you aren’t really sure if you like or fancy him, you’re only a few weeks out of your last what you called a drama-filled relationship, and you’re definitely not looking for a serious relationship any time soon?

It’s not obligatory to date or be in any kind of relationship. You’re not sure about him, you think he’s moving too fast by asking you on a date, and you don’t want to give up your free time for someone. Just tell him you’re sorry but you’re not feeling anything romantically and have realised you’re too busy right now to get involved with anyone. There’s no point forcing this for either of you. Be single for a bit, it sounds as though you have work and hobbies to keep you occupied.

There’s nothing worse than a desperado. He’s seems to be one. Gives me the ick. Tell him once or twice a week for dates dinner is all u can do, but honestly if u see him too much u will tire of him too quickly and more time wasted for u both. Speak to him about expectations and why u have them.

Just say you want to go on the date next weekend. He won’t mind as he can go to his football instead.

You don't seem to like him very much.
Let him find someone that likes him.

And you can find someone that you like, and date that person instead.

I don't think you are in the right headspace for a relationship at the moment op if I can be so blunt.
How about getting your life in order first, what are your hobbies, passions, ambitious?
You may find you'll get what you're looking for when you stop looking....

You don’t have to have a relationship with anybody, why don’t you let this one go and be single for the rest of this year. Enjoy your own space, chilling out from your stressful job, doing things that you enjoy without the pressure of pleasing anyone. It will be such a relief for you, just to please yourself and nobody else.