Is this reasonable in a marriage

[Lonely12]

I had typed a longer post out and then lost it. It seems like the mental load and actual doing things in my marriage is up to me.
im unhappy and trying to see if my marriage can be saved. But it seems it’s just up to me to organise doing stuff together.

our son has afrid and lives on McDonalds. Our children over the year have tended to want their dinner before my husband finished work and now I’m working too. We have got into a habit of me and my husband eating on an evening. To try and help our child we agreeed that we would try and eat at least one meal with our children partly in the hope our child might see what we are eating and want to try it and to spend time with our children. So far it’s not happened. It seems it’s up to me to sort it out.

Then my husband agreed when we moved house that this time he would help to make the house into our home, at our last house he would have been happy for everything to stay the way the previous owners had it for example carpet, colour of walls. Again it seems it’s up to me to think of the changes and make a start, otherwise it would take months. For example I buy the curtain poles and curtains and he would put them up. One curtain pole wouldn’t stay in the wall so needs some wood for support, the other pole hasn’t been put up, it already has the piece of wood there to support it.

I work three days a week and I have mental health and physical health issues.

How many days a week does your DH work?
What do you do on your days off?

What you are describing sounds like a typical 'too busy' working family. You and your husband have different priorities. Its not the end of a marriage - you can make it work to your advantage. Just don't expect any input regarding the home decoration. Take on only what you can do yourself. You've backed yourself into a corner with your son's food restrictions. Can you wean him off McDonalds and find home cooked foods that he will tolerate? Even if he eats mashed potato and cucumber every day (for example), its better than going out to buy a special meal just for him. Tell your DH that you want to make a time to talk and just choose one topic - your son's meal times for example. Be really clear about what you want to achieve. Start setting boundaries for both your DH and your son. In the long run, that will help your mental health. For your physical health, try and find a regular time to take part in a weekly exercise class. Learning how to set boundaries is really important, and is something some of us take years to learn. Good luck!

My husband works full time from home. I work three days, on my days off, one afternoon is spent with an appointment I have every week. The other I try and get stuff done at home.

Thank you. We have tried to get him to eat things we can make at home but he either doesn’t try them or doesn’t like them. He dropped the last of the food that we could make at home when he became unwell. I’ve tried and tried talking to my husband. Nothing changes. I’m in a lot of pain, part of reason I can’t exercise.

i don’t feel listened to and I don’t feel that he cares about how I feel. Three times I said that the frying pan was making the mince beef smell and taste funny, even one of our children said it smelt funny. My husband insisted it didn’t. I suggested getting a different pan and maybe that one wasn’t working properly on the induction hob. He said there was nothing wrong with the pan. Then yesterday he tried a different frying pan that we had from old house and the mince smelt and tasted ok. He said that it wouldn’t bother him if I didn’t believe him three times about the same thing. It’s not just this, been other things. Now our boiler has broken, so no heating and hot water till at least Thursday. Me and our youngest child really feel the cold and he knows this. I said a few times that it wasn’t normal to have to keep topping up water in boiler for it to work and it neeeded looking at. His response was the plumber was going to come back and service the boiler when it’s not in use and that it is normal. He has also said some hurtful things to me in the past

You need plasterboard fixings for putting up curtain poles ... neighbour had same problem, soon sorted.

You need to start doing it in front of him, then he'll announce he was just about to do it and take over. If he's anything like my dh anyway

Why do you need approval to throw away a frying pan?

“where’s the other pan?”
”I threw it out food tasted funny out of it”

You need to sit him down and tell him with specific examples (if you haven't already). When we discuss X and you say you'll do it and then Y happens that makes me feel ignored, unloved and frustrated. My need from you is to do what you say you are going to do/try and prioritise things that are important for me as well as you etc. repeated times of feeling let down are making me feel like our marriage either needs working on or we need to consider whether we should still be in this relationship if your not willing or able to show some willing.

Thank you for the replies. I’ve tried talking to my husband. I’ve suggested divorce and he doesn’t want to. We had couple therapy in the past. I’ve suggested having couple counselling and he said no we have already done that.

If I did it then he would moan. He complains if I’ve let the cats back out after they have come in

He can’t have it both ways though - either you don’t ask and he loses the right to complain if you decorate a room in a way he doesn’t like or throw away a frying pan. Or he wants consulting and he gets a say….

If you want a divorce you don't need his permission, it doesn't matter what he wants if you want to separate though.

You sound very passive. So what if he moans? Just reiterate that it was making the food taste funny so you threw it out.

If the boiler is broken can you not call a plumber?

No permission needed for divorce!! What do you want?!!!

I had behaviour like this on soem many areas and I ended up going into psychosis