To ask my partner to give up golf while he’s training for the marathon?

[NameChangedForThis2025]

Partner plays golf. To be fair to him, he’s not religious about it even though his membership is quite expensive, so he will give it up for other family priorities which means he doesn’t play every single week.

However he’s now training for the London marathon and he’s got to point where his long runs on a Saturday are over 2 hrs and then he has a recovery run on Sunday. So between that and golf that would be a solid 7.5 hrs of daylight time on weekends for his hobbies between now and April.

Would you suck it up for a few months on the basis the marathon is a one off and it’s supporting a big goal? - YABU

Or would you say golf needs to take a back seat during training - YANBU

Do you have children? How old are they?

I’d say good luck with getting him to agree. My DH plays golf and is usually out of the house for at least 6-7 hours just on one game.

What free time do you get? Are you left with children to care for?

Depends - is he a good partner/dad?
i’d be okay with picking up the slack while there was a deadline (obviously in this case it’s the date of the marathon.)
For every weekend from now until eternity? No I would not be okay with this if I had young children. Hobbies are important but so is down time so it’s about finding a balance that works for everyone. I have the most hobbies in our house but I do some of it early on a Saturday and Sunday morning before anyone else even wakes up so I’m not eating into family time.
and then a couple of evenings a week im out for a couple of hours. All works okay for all of us though.

Ask him if he can suspend membership at golf club for a few months whilst he gets the marathon training in. He'll be running around 3-5 hours training on a Sat as he ramps up for this depending on his pace.

I think its fair to discuss jmhow much time these activities take him out of the home, but you've not said what the impact is.
Fo you have kids, do they have activities that would be affected, do you have other interests

Oh yeah, sorry that’s essential info! One 4 year old. If we didn’t it wouldn’t be an issue!

I think its fair to discuss jmhow much time these activities take him out of the home, but you've not said what the impact is.
Fo you have kids, do they have activities that would be affected, do you have other interests

I don’t think you should tell him he has to give it up, that’s controlling - just ask him how he plans to fit everything in.

You need a discussion about how much time he can reasonably expect to be absent from family life / parenting responsibilities on a weekend and then he needs to decide how he spends that time.

Many people training for marathons who have small kids will get up and run while the family are sleeping, not expect the other parent to sacrifice more of their time.

Then YANBU. There is a limit on how much time you can spend out of the house doing hobbies when you have young children.

Ok thanks all, to answer some questions:

Impact is reduction of family time, reduction of me time. I’m perimenopausal and struggling a bit right now.

He’s excellent generally - no slouch on housework, brilliant dad.

He’s great at booking the first golf tee off and rattling around the course so he’s home by 12.30.

He’s aiming for just over 3 hrs so that would reduce the total time of long runs a little.

I wouldn’t just tell him to give up golf, it would be a conversation, but likewise he can’t just come up with a unilateral plan to fit it in because it relies on me to make it happen.

I’m just sense checking where other people would be at before I start the conversation. I suppose I’m a little irritated that he hasn’t done that and is just assuming it’s going to happen without planning or conversation, but that’s a petty annoyance.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about how the childcare duties while he peruses these hobbies are defaulting to you and how you can make sure it’s fair.

Is there an activity you want to start? Or meet up with friends? Spa day etc. It’s important you have your own time too and make goals for yourself. Either chat about how that can work with the current schedule or agree that after the marathon it’s time for you to pick up a hobby and for DH to become the default parent for those hours a week.

With anything like this I would say any adult can do whatever they like with their free time, however it has to be equal if there are children to look after. So it's fine for him to spend 10 hours of his free time training/golf as long as you get 10 hours off too (at convenient hours). If not, and he's expecting you to do all childcare while he trains then of course that's not OK, except maybe as a one-off.

Accidentally clicked on vote and can't change it sorry!!

You can change your vote.

I don't think the fact that he assumed he could have this time to himself is a petty annoyance - I think that's the entire problem. Doing things isn't an issue, the issue is assuming that your partner will just pick up the slack is very rude - he's treating you like staff. You might well be happy for him to golf and do a marathon but basic courtesy states that you discuss it first!!

My kids are 13 and 15 now and need no looking after and my DH and I still run things by each other, just in case something else is happening or we're inconveniencing each other in some way. That's how a partnership works.

I wouldn't suck it up no. It's taking over everyone's lives too much and you are being default parent a lot. Out of curiosity do you commit yourself to time consuming things and assume your husband will just pick up the slack?

It's definitely worth a conversation OP. I wouldn't necessarily phrase it as "you have to give up golf", but I would point out that this extra commitment means that you are doing more solo parenting, and if you get extra "me time" to make up for that, then family time is squeezed. See if he has any solutions. The important thing is that he recognises the issue and doesn't just expect you to pick up the slack by default.

Yeah I think the assumption is actually more of an issue than the practical impact for a finite timescale. If he’s otherwise an equal parent and “house-runner” hopefully he will see that making that assumption is a bit too close for comfort to “I babysit my kids”.

I would sit him down and say frankly I’m getting quite stressed out and resentful here. This family are significantly prioritising you right now and I really expected you to acknowledge that by now and explain how you’re going to make it up to me. I’m tired and worn out and if you aren’t ready to commit to spending a couple of months post marathon with limited golf and limited outings to keep up with parenting and the house while prioritising 7-10 hours a weekend plus lots if midweek leisure time for me, then I’m pretty unhappy.

and if the response isn’t receptive I’d say fine, since we please ourselves now I’ll be away on my own this weekend and you can work out juggling the family and your training without muggins here picking up all the load. I won’t be doing any catch up cleaning when I get back either. Someone in this marriage needs to care about me, and looks like it has to be me.

Well, he absolutely shouldn't be unilaterally deciding that you will be default child care for all that time. So I would absolutely be wanting a conversation about it.

I would let him come up with solutions and comprises though. I would set out why it's a problem for you then ask for suggestions on how to resolve.

Only until April I would suck it up if good in other areas.

Can he get up early and do his marathon training? I do my long runs between 5:30 and 8:30 on a weekend morning so I’m back and it doesn’t impact on family time. I’m tired but have to suck it up and get on with the rest of the day. I also make sure my husband gets a similar chunk of time for his support and hobby.

I think I'd just start a conversation about it... "I'm struggling a bit with how we will fit in time off parenting for you and time off parenting for me AND family time at weekends with your additional training commitments in the marathon run up. How do you think we can make enough time for us BOTH to get a break, get home jobs done (meals, housework etc) AND DC to get family time with all of us?". Put the issue plainly and then see what his reaction is. The obvious answer is give up golf (temporarily) but I'd want him to see that. If he can find another solution then that's up to him.

I think it'd be fair at weekends to get (not set in stone but approximately or the equivalent of) 1/2 a day each "off" to do whatever you want, then 1 full day family time. Or 4 hours each individual or non-parenting time and the rest joint parenting ie housework, home jobs or family time.

So between that and golf that would be a solid 7.5 hrs of daylight time on weekends for his hobbies between now and April.

surely that's leaving you more than enough time to do your own hobbies

Even if you see a relationship like a business arrangements and you make sure every minute of child-free time must be absolutely equal for both party instead of supporting each other, what's the problem?

He has ONE hobby (golf) - that's not much, most people have more than that, and is training for 3 months. Of course YABU

AS LONG AS he's not planning his runs at times where you are already booked for your own hobby and child-free time, and you are not expected to give up your own activities, why wouldn't you support him?

The whole point of not being a single parent is that you share child-care and you can still have a bit of breathing time and a chance to do your hobbies/ sport/ studies/ socialising whatever you are wanting to do.